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Boyfriend travels a lot, not spending enough time together
22/f, 28/m
I'm upset. My boyfriend and I have been together for over a year now and it has always bothered me about the amount that he has traveled. We do have communication and trust issues that we're trying to rebuild (due to his past mistakes), and we're going to our first couples therapy on Wednesday. However, I'm debating on whether or not to go at this point.
My boyfriend travels at least once a month. It's for both business and for travel for his fraternity (not college fraternity). Recently, I told my boyfriend that I felt that he travels too much. When he's back, he works during the day, comes back home, uses the restroom for 20-30 minutes, comes to bed and wants alone time for awhile, leaving me only 20 minutes of his undivided attention with him.
He told me today that he won't be here on Valentine's Day. He told me that it's because his fraternity brother is being ordained as a minister on Valentine's Day. I wanted to be okay with it, but I'm really not. He told me that Valentine's Day is a joke to most people in America and that everyday can be Valentine's Day to us. Which doesn't make any sense if I feel that he's absent or not here... But saying, "I love you" everyday should make it seem like it's Valentine's Day. I told him that sometimes it's not enough due to his daily schedule and he tells me, "it should be enough." Whenever I bring up this situation, he says, "I've been laying here with you for the past hour. It should be enough." Talking about something that bothers me, is undivided attention, but it's not any way for us to connect or bond. Then he would say, "You should focus and appreciate about what you have and not focus on what you don't have."
I don't want to sound needy, but 20 minutes of undivided attention per day is not enough. It seems like he spends most of his time on Facebook than he does with me, and according to him Facebook is "down time" for him.
Talking about it doesn't seem to help because I can see from his point of view, but he doesn't seem to understand that it's not enough time for me to feel emotionally secure in the relationship. He only has time to talk about this at night, and it's a long discussion, so he gets tired, tells me he's tired, and goes to sleep. Then he wakes up acting as if the conversation never happened.
I keep trying to have this conversation but neither of us are getting what we want. Me talking about it, frustrates him and makes him unhappy. Me not talking about it, makes me unhappy.
In the case of one, the freedom to travel and have their own schedule, in the case of the other, participating in their definition of a true relationship, with attention to time spent together, trust, and transparency. What should I do? What can I do?
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I'm sorry you are unhappy in your relationship. If you have only been dating a year and need couples therapy, then that's big red flag that this relationship probably has little longevity. Only people who have been together many years and have been through many things should need to go to therapy. Every couple that I know who went to therapy before marriage ended up getting divorced within 5 years. A therapist once told me that you don't really know someone until you've been with them 3 years. The first year is the honeymoon stage and everyone is on their best behavior. The second year, everyone slowly starts to show more and more of their true selves. And the third year is the test of whether the two people can still get along while both being who they truly are. From what you are describing about your boyfriend, he is starting to show his true colors. You have communicated your concerns with him, but he does not seem to care about your needs. He sounds self-absorbed and selfish. I think it is time that you moved on and find a guy that makes more time for you and maybe does not travel as much. You deserve to feel happy and fulfilled with a guy who shows that he cares about you. And believe me, they are out there. Good luck!!!!
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I'm with adviceman. If the two of you want to make this work, then a therapist is just what both of you need.
I will say tho, that no therapist in the world can make two people who are so vastly different from each other perfect for each other. If a therapist could magically make me perfect for just any old guy off the street, then all the guys I passed over in favor of the one who became my 2nd husband, could all have made perfect husbands if they'd only gone to counseling.
Only you and he know if you really have enough in common and are both 'in love' with each other, not love like a preference for a food or flavor.
There's a good chance from the things you say are going on, that both of you are making errors due to innocence and naivety and just not knowing any better, that are hurting the relationship. These are the kinds of things that a counselor can help with. There are also some wonderful books out there. I don't know about reading for him but I've just finished a good one for women called "What Men Say, What Women Hear". by Linda Papadopoulos. You may need to also do as I did before setting out to find Mr. Right via internet dating...I made a list of who I am deep at core, that which motivates me, my hopes, dreames, talents, beliefs, etc. I spelled it out for guys. Let them know what I was looking for in a positive tone meaning instead of saying, no chubby guys, be height and weight proportionate. Altho the most important things havent a thing to do with looks. If looking for a guy who can be future husband and father material as well, you'd want on your list, A man who loves kids and wants his own. If allergic to cigarette smoke as I am, you'd want "Non smoker'. Make your list and use this guy and every guy interested in you that you come across. You want some core must haves, the things that if he isn't a match for, it's a deal breaker. In the meanwhile, while making your list, go for counseling as you can learn things like how to fight fair, give and take and compromise, and what are distorted expectations of a relationship and what is settling for less.
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I would suggest you go to the couples therapy if he is willing to go. His willingness is a sign of commitment; one you should accept for what it is.
In therapy the therapist can work with you point by point. We are only hearing your side of the problem and what you say you hear from him and what you see in your relationship. In a situation like yours it is imperative in order to give advise to have both sides of the problem or issue(s) in front of us.
From what you have written you are constantly hitting him with multiple issues at one time. Understandably given the time you say you have to talk with him you believe this is the best approach. Trust me when I say it is not.
In our almost 45 years of marriage my wife has learned that I can handle only so many things at one time. While family and she come first, problems outside the house such as work related problems and other stressors also affect me at home. I was also a volunteer firefighter before I retired and sometimes a bad call would have its effect on me for days.
My wife learned to prioritize any problem, whether it be a problem between us, such as me spending too much time away. Yes, I traveled for work and when I came home I would then go to the fire station to decompress. A problem with my son or anything else. I would or we would resolve that problem and move on to the next one.
This is what a therapist will do with you and for you. The therapist will listen to your problems. Find out which one(s) are the most important to you to resolve first. Then prioritize them and help you work through them.
Couples therapy is not a magic bullet the therapist does not wave a magic wand and make all your problems disappear. It takes time and effort on your part. If the two of you put in the time and effort you will have a successful outcome.
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ok First off.....your only a year in and your going to go to couples therapy??? yeesh!!!
Honestly it sounds liek your trying to make something work that just cant, he doesnt value the things you do. Like simple holidays such as V-day, and typically MOST men use that excuse when their just being lazy and dont wanna lift a finger. So i think its up to you to decide here just how much your willing to deal/put up with in order to be with him.
He sounds like he doesnt reallyyy want to be tired down, hes traveling WITHOUT YOU btw (my hubby travels for work too and he FINDS a way to bring me AND our 4 year old son WITH him. Even if it means buying tickets at his own expense.....so im not really sure what to tell you there.
He shouldnt be OK at this point in such a new relationship with just blurting out that he wont be there for vday, and nor should he be ok with making plans that over lap that day and dont even involve you period.
Next, if you cant even have simple trust in him then im sorry but its over. No relationship can withstand time if you cant trust. thats one of the main foundations of a long term relationship. theres no way around that one, and it concerns me that this is an issue THIS early on. the "honeymoon phase" of a new relationship should still be there and its not.
Lastly, he doesnt even value the relationship enough to allow you to address important shit here.....now ask yourself how long do you think you could put up with that?? a week? and month??
your sort of putting yourself through this by allowing him to treat you this way. You need to demand respect as a women and as an equal partner if you want this to work and you havent, and he knows it because your not putting your foot down on anything.
my husband has tried to use the "well everyday can be vday if we want it to be" you know what i say back to him when him or any man says that to me?? "BULLSHIT" flat out, calmly and looking them square in the eyes with a serious face. i will repeat myself if they try to defend this stupid way of thinking, the next time shaking my head.
hunny, hes simply just not making time for love. hes disinterested and maybe he needs time to figure out that you dont treat your lady like that. leave him for a while, gather your thoughts, ask yourself if this is what you really want from life, and then go from there.
See if he contacts you, asking to come back or if he simply allows you to walk away. this will be the true test of his resolve to want to make things work. Stay calm, tell him things arent working but you wish him the best and want good thing for him but you simply not a good match at this point. see what his response is. this is another test.
more importantly DO NOT let your emotions over whelm you here. this will cloud the real issues your trying to find a solution for and will in the end only damage things. be kind, tell him its not his fault that he travels so much but that you need more then what he can give you emotionally as a partner. Youve tried talking to him about these things, he doesnt want to address them so its time for you to leave peacefully. A lady always knows when to leave.
He just has different priorities then you, but you deserve someone who wants to give you more time......dont forget that...good luck.
; )
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