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I keep doing something I shouldn't... and I can't really ask for help?
I keep doing something I shouldn't, and something I don't want to do until I start doing it. And I shouldn't do it, but I do. I hadn't for months, but then I did it again today. I really don't want to ever again, and I hope I won't. I won't. But I might get caught, and if I do, that won't make a difference. It'll be over, I'll be screwed, and I really just feel dirty and bad, and I know I'll feel better in a few days, but I can't guarantee definitely I won't do it again. And even if I don't, I regret it and feel bad. And I can't ask for help, I'd be in trouble and all my actions would be misconstrued. Basically... I'm sorry.
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As Rainhorse68 said without specifics it is impossible to give you any real advice. Everything on this site is anonymous not even your parents can find out what you have written. If they have access to your computer and email then you might consider using a computer at the library with a different email account to contact us. I do not believe the libraries block this site.
As to your question and what you have written. At age 14 everything you do that you feel is wrong or dirty seems to be earth shaking and world ending. As someone who has raised his family and is old enough to be your grandfather I can tell you with utmost certainty it is not.
Not knowing what it is you are talking about I can't say how much trouble you will be in with your parents or the law if any.
Somehow I have the suspicion you are trying not to talk about something sexual or masturbation considering how you word things and you say "I really just feel dirty and bad, and I know I'll feel better in a few days, but I can't guarantee definitely I won't do it again." Could you be talking about masturbation?
If so masturbation is natural and everyone does it, including your parents although for them it is called mutual masturbation and it is part of foreplay. According to a recent survey 85% of us masturbate. For young people going through puberty it is healthy and normal.
Gee Mr. Avdiceman49 if that's true why am I being told it's dirty; it’s a sin and everything else I'm being told is bad about masturbation. The simple truth is as parents we are fearful that the enjoyment received from masturbation will cause our children to want to go further. So we tell them whatever we need to tell them in the hope that they will not start to masturbate. The fact is masturbation is normal, we all do it and it is a safe and pleasant way to relieve the sexual tension brought on by the new hormones of puberty. Oral sex, fingering and hand jobs are all forms of masturbation.
If I have guessed correctly stop feeling dirty you are doing nothing wrong you are a normal 14 year old girl. You can continue and you are not committing a sin in any of the standard religions. Just make sure that when you do masturbate you have complete privacy and you will not be intruded upon. If you can't lock your bedroom door then masturbate during your morning or evening shower in the bathroom when you can lock the door.
If I have guessed wrong and it is something else sexual; such as letting your boyfriend to finger you or going even further. Then I suggest that you stop that activity. You are far too young to be allowing anything like that as it is hard to call a stop to things in the heat of passion.
I believe in calling things the way they are. If you have a question I will answer it truthfully. I will give you both the pros and cons to each issue especially where sex is concerned. I believe you and those of your age need to have the information to make the proper educated decisions especially when it comes to sex. If you remember one thing I have written today remember this. Boys your age do not love like you do. They confuse love and lust to boys those two words are synonymous. If a boy ever says to you, “If you love me you will have sex with me or words to that effect,” he does not love you he lusts for you.
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Difficult to answer with no specifics. The site is completely anonymous so you might post a another question if you like? Nobody will know who you are. All cases are particular in some way. Regarding breaking the compulsion to do this deed, it is difficult as you rightly say. Saying we won't in advance does not have any real power to deflect us from the action. I promise I'll stop smoking cigarettes all the time, swear that one will be the last one. Hasn't worked yet!! The denial has to be treated step-by-step. "I choose not to do this right now. By my own frre will" has to be the mantra. The question of how wrong is what you're doing needs to be addressed too. Is it immoral, unethical or illegal? The acid test is asking the question. "Suppose everyone, everywhere agreed this was a good thing to do and accepted it as a maxim? Would that make society a better thing, no different or a worse one? Not much escapes this simple test. For example, if you are tempted to steal something? If everyone decided that taking something which you are not entitled to, either by stealth or force, was a good idea would society be better or worse? Clearly, the answer is definitely worse. Is what you are doing truly wrong, or do you jus believe it to be wrong? Does it offend you own values, or the conventions and values of society as a whole? Next, why does the habitual deed compel you? Is there some physical/tangible and measurable gain to you? Does it provide some gratification or emotional sense of satisfaction for you when you are doing it? Or do you feel compelled, strictly speaking, against your better judgement, knowing there is no emotional aor material gain whatsoever? It sounds like the deed is destructive, or at least self-destructive from how you speak. So, first step is to evaluate the issue. And decide on a course of action. Alcoholics don't get much pleasure from drinking after a while. The don't want to do it. But stopping without help can be next to impossible. Don't be ashamed to ask for help. we're human. You seem to have a deal of remorse, yet again the remorse is not sufficient to deflect the next occasion. Think about this statement. "Our drives are stranger than we often admit. We may sometimes seek loss as well as victory. There is a pleasure in the pain we suffer. We are driven by impulses we don't understand and do not always welcome." That is being human. Now you probably won't find anything like that on an 'inspirational quotes' website, true! But anyone who disagreed must be a either a very, very good person indeed. Or so entirely without conscience they never question their actions at all. You've acknowledged the fact that this IS a problem (at least to you), and that's a very significant first step indeed. Don't be afraid to seek help.
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You give little for me to know what your problem is, only that it is something you repeat, try to resist, eventually cave in to it as willpower to resist fails. And you believe or know having been warned by someone that if it happens again you'll be in the kind of trouble you dont want. Most destructive repetitive behavior will affect jobs and relationships, so I assume its something that affects your ability to do your job or something you do on the job, or it is something that destroys trust in a relationship, hurts the other person, etc.
You already realize its something that needs to stop and that is good. Some people have an issue and don't see it as a problem or if they do recognize it as an issue, dont want to change it or fix it and seek help to stop it.
I will say that my opinion is that most repetitive, bad, destructive, hurtful behaviors, just can't be stopped by sheer willpower. It would be nice if that were so, and if so, you would not be here now sharing your issue. You did say you can't ask for help. I do not know if you meant us or if you meant professional help, but in most cases, whatever the situation may be, it involves negative or destructions patterns set in place that need to be dismantled before you can break the bad habit or destructive behavior. I also happen to believe that people who do seek professional help aren't always helped because just someone talking at you and giving out medications only helps a very slim amount of the people seen. I don't know if this is why you feel you cant ask for help. But I do know personally people who have been helped by something called CBT cognitive behavioral therapy and some psychologists do use that with patients now, many are trained to use that now with patients and there are books for individuals to learn how to understand what is really causing them to repeat an unwanted behavior, identify the cause, which usually starts with negative thought patterns, and involves the subconconscious mind too.
If just a bad habit, depending on what it is, hynotism can help break that. But in all other cases, one likely will need to try CBT. You may not think of it as a mental disorder and It may not be but anything that involves negative thoughts, that comes from the mind either the conscious or subconscious and without going into it, there are reasons under which your subconscious mind will cause a person to do something as a sort of self fulfilling prophecy or to help you obtain that which you think about and dwell upon the most, believing that the constant thoughts means it is something good you need or want and will force your actions to make it come true and actually happen whether in truth that thing is a good thing or a bad thing. thats the problem with the subconscious that all of us have and it holds us back in life from trying or causes us to do things that aren't helpful, a waste of time and sometimes really bad and destructive and it all starts somewhere in the mind. And thats why i mention CBT as the best chance you have of finding a way to stop what ever it is you are doing, along with the professional help of someone who uses that therapy.
There are books available. Just to give you a better idea, take a look at this website, check out all the links, read the comments of people helped/cure from all sorts of problems. And good luck. Don't give up cus nothing else has worked so far. You want that last thing to try or you wouldn't have written us. So try this link and you might ask there also for Dr.s in your area who use CBT.
www.feelinggood.com
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