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Controlling mother - boyfriend wants to break up because of her
I'm 20/f
My mother is very controlling. She trusts me and loves me and even likes my boyfriend.
But a few weeks ago when I wanted to go to my boyfriends house for a few hours she took offence. This was because she works all the time and was angry at me making plans on a weekend. I explained it was because I wanted to see my boyfriend but she said 'what about me'-me and my bf only see each other once a week (been together for two years)
So yes I've got another trip to see my boyfriend on a weekend due-been invited to a wedding. How do I make sure she doesn't get upset again? My boyfriend has said he's sick of not seeing enough of me and its because Im keeping my mum happy. She's nasty when she's upset. She'll leave me totally out of family conversations, make me feel guilty all the time and butters up my sister. Thanks
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God, i have a FEW friends that have this exact same problem and dont have the balls to tell mom to back off alittle.
Heres the thing ok, like the others said shes NOT going to change unless you start changing too. She has no reason to because you cave every single time she acts like a drama queen, she gets what she wants. Its like with any learned skill, you learned a successful way to get what you want so why would you alter that if in the end you got it??
you can still make plenty of time for her and do "mother daughter" things without her having to resort to her shitty antics and throwing is in essence an adult temper tantrum.
Your mother sounds like she thinks more with her emotions and not with logic and foresight, which i would mention to her. People who are ruled mostly by their emotions can be unstable, and sometimes dangerous people. They do nothing but live their lives around how EVERY SINGLE LITTLE THING makes them "feel" and not see things for what they are. She sounds like she is living her life moment to moment in her own reality and not considering others feelings at all and thats selfish.
your mother needs to get some hobbies and things she likes to do on her own that dont HAVE to have others in them. She obviously not ok with being by herself which in itself is a big problem, and when she cant get you to be with her she acts passive aggressive and knows what will hurt you and goes after your sister to spoil her or whatever.
For this, i would let it be known that she can do whatever she wants with your sister, you dont care, and if she thinks giving your sister things is going to somehow hurt you then shes wrong and its not.
let her stew on this for a while, if she tries to invite you things and then treats you shitty, pull her aside and tell her you will leave if she keeps on acting like this. and then if she does, then LEAVE. you have to show her that your serious. If she leaves you out of conversations then say "ok obviously im not needed here you seem like you got all the company you need so im just gonna go hang out with my boyfriend byeeee"
see? if she can cut you out, then you can do the same to her.
good luck and you can inbox me if you need more help.
; )
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Everything Razhie plainly stated about your moms behavior and your choices are true.
I will say shortly that some parents have a hard time transitioning from the parent of a child to a parent of another adult when the child turns 18. This doesn't sound like it.Your 1st statement was of mom being controlling and that my dear is one of many mental illnesses. There is medical treatment for many such illnesses which helps such peoples behavior to be modified to something better with the use of prescription drugs but as far as I know, other than a person having negative thought patterns due to it just being a bad habit instead of something wrong mentally, there is no cure for mental illness and controlling behavior more often than not is mental illness with no hope of the individual ever getting better. In fact people with such illness are known to destroy any relationship they are in, wirh no hope of having a close relationship of any kind, with family, friend or a sweetheart that lasts long term.
So to have hopes that Mom could improve in the future are pretty much non existant as you've already been told.
So Mom isn't going to change her stance. What needs to happen then to change the situation? Well, for one, realizing that the only person you have the real ability to control and change is yourself. And what changes could you make that would involve your way of thinking?
1. Your life is yours to live, not for someone else to live through you.
2. Others can not control you unless you have given in and given control of your life over to someone else at some point.
3. Caving in to the controlling behavior of another, their fits and tantrums, using their emotional outbursts to get what they want, is not helping them to realize they have a problem. It enables them to continue to remain stuck.
4. Choosing to take back control of your life has nothing to do with not respecting, loving or honoring a parent. The Biblical verse of Honor your Parent does not mean you have to give up living your life for yourself or even making your own choices and judgements in life. for example is Mom got so far behind in bills she decided to start robbing banks or convenience stores and told you that you need to help her do this or she threw a fit that you weren't honoring her wants and demands, then would you?....choose to rob along with her? Of course not!!! You know its not right!. Well neither is a parent using theatrics to prey on the emotions of their child to control their behavior. You need to see this for what it is. She is doing something wrong. Joining in, giving her control by not spending the little time you have with boyfriend is the second mistake, the one on your part. You know that saying, that 2 wrongs don't make a right. Its true. You can't prevent her making bad choices, but you can change yours.
5. To bring in a bible verse again, the Bible also states that at some point when a person is full grown, they will leave mother and father and cleave unto their mate. In todays time, many do not marry, but the choice to be with someone, dating only or living with is much like the same commitment. It takes leaving the parents to the empty nest syndrome and starting your own life. So don't feel guilty. Thats EXACTLY what mom is hoping to achieve and has done so well in with you, getting your emotional reaction to hers as in your statement "How do I make sure she doesn't get upset again? Do you not realize that she has trained you like a lab rat by the conditions and responses she gives when you do something she wants and what she doesnt want?
Part of why its hard for you is that you live at home still. Being there still, you are unable to see or feel any real difference to when you became an adult at 18, things haven't changed at all in your life.
You may just need to make the break away from living with mom to Really be able to start your own adult life. YOu haven't yet. You may be afraid to also. But unless you want to end up 50 yrs old, still single and catering to all your moms wishes, still living with her and not having a life of your own, then you need to make the break now because she is not going to give up the controlling behavior. You need to stand up to her. THIS doesnt mean you reject her, just her controlling behavior. You can still love her but not allow her to continue to raise you and make ALL your decisions for you. She can train you to think you have a choice still, after all, with something like choosing which dinner she cooked one night or some other such small thing that has nothing to do in the long run with you taking control and making the big decisions for your own life. I hope my spelling it out, helps you even better to see what Razhie was saying.
GOOD LUCK!
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Your boyfriend isn't wanting to break up because of your mother.
Your boyfriend is wanting to break up because you are not making time for him, are cancelling plans, and don't appear to value the little time you can have together.
Your mother is abusive, no doubt. That's on her. But your poor treatment of your boyfriend is on you. You are choosing to let him down, and if you can't make any other choice, then you probably should break up. If you value keeping your abusive, controlling mother happy over your relationship with him, then you shouldn't be in that relationship.
I understand it's hard, and it hurts, but you need to understand your mother is not going to change. Why would she? She is getting what she wants. She gets to control you, watch you feel horrible, and soon, she'll even get you to abandon your boyfriend for her. She's getting everything she wants. So she is going to keep on doing what she is doing.
She is NEVER going to 'not be upset' about you being an adult, and making choices about your own life. She will ALWAYS punish and abuse you. How long are you going to allow it? How much are you willing to give up to try - hopelessly try - to keep her happy.
If the only way she is happy, is when she is abusing you, then she doesn't get to be happy anymore.
Seriously, you need to grow a pair and accept your mother will never, ever be kind to you. She will punish you, and give you the silent treatment, ever time you do something for yourself. You will never be happy if you live trying to keep her happy. It's time to tell her that her emotions are her own problem, and she needs to learn how to handle them without abusing her adult daughter. It's your time to handle your own feelings of guilt, without giving in to her abuse and control.
You deserve to live your own life, but that'll never happen unless you make it happen. Stop waiting for her permission to be happy. She is NEVER going to give it to you.
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You are 20 years old definitely an adult able to do as you please without consulting your mother or having her permission. If your mother is controlling you it is because you are allowing her to do so.
This is the biggest problem young people have today. For various reasons, usually monetary they chose to live at home with their parents, by doing so they continue to allow parents to parent them. In your case your mother parents as she did when you were younger by controlling what you do and when you do it.
Reading back on your past questions your younger sister has moved out of the parental home and is sharing a flat with others which concerned you at that time. At that time you said you were working and happy with many friends.
The quickest way to stop mom from controlling you is to move out of her home, I'm assuming you live with her although you don't say so. If you do live with her then this is the best way to start putting a stop to her controlling you. If you cannot afford a flat on your own then consider finding a flat with a roommate of possibly moving in with your boyfriend and sharing the expenses.
If you are already living on your own, or not, then you need to have a talk with mom. It is a discussion many young people need to have with parents who refuse to let go. The discussion goes something like this.
You start with, "Mom I love you but I cannot live my life for you and you cannot live your life for me. I have a boyfriend I love who I hope to marry someday and your monopolizing of my time is ruining our relationship. I also have friends that I want to be with. While I will always be there for you and I will always make time for you I can no longer or will I be with you every free minute we have. But I will always be just a phone call away if you really need me in an emergency."
This is a hard discussion to have and of course you put the above in your own words. You may want to have your boyfriend with you for moral support though it is a discussion you do have to have with your mother one that my son had with me when he was about your age.
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