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My dad had an affair
Today has been a really big mess. My dad's mistress sent a text to my mom, it was a picture of my dad naked. He has been having an affair for a year. She wants him to leave us and move in with her. he says he's trying to end it with her and that she's been blackmailing him for months. I'm 19 but I still live at home, it is REALLY breaking my heart. My dad is my hero, the kindest most giving person ever. Finding out he has done this is just....devastating. I feel so bad for my mom. She doesn't know if she's going to leave him or not, and that's beside the point. I don't know how to think of him now? I feel so hurt whenever I look at him. He keeps saying when you lov esomeone you forgive them. It was a YEAR it wasn't a one time thing. He also gave her thousands of dollars, which we didn't have to give. There are a lot of other horrible details as well. I don't know what to do. How can I trust him again? He didn't even hang out with my little brother as much during the time because she would get mad. I know he didn't cheat on me but it sure feels like it. My heart hurts. He doesn't even seem like the same person. I don't know what to do. She also keeps messaging me trying to upset me. She has threatened to show up at our house. My head is throbbing I have cried so much.
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Let me start off by saying I am so, so, so very sorry that you're having to go through this. I've been through this same thing when I was 1-3 years old. My dad knew my mom was cheating on him with the neighborhood, but he wanted my sister and I to grow up with a mom, so he allowed. It's horrible situation, no matter what age you are. You're father needs to understand that an year affair has much more of an impact than what a one night stand or one time thing would, so "when you love someone, you should forgive them" isn't really the best thing for him to be saying to try and help his case. If he was a loyal man, he never would have cheated on your mother in the first place. Block his mistress or tell the police. It might take you a few years to trust your dad again... things like this tend to ruin multiple relationships, not just one. The best thing to do is try your best to talk to him, but give yourself time when you need it... it'll be hard. I hope this at least helped a little.
~ Mandi
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firstly, im so sorry your family is going thru this right now, it must feel so gut wrenching.
I agree with the not taking sides thing the other poster here said but i would also be asking the father what he told his mistress to make her hate you all so much (depending on what it was she was saying to you) and now that your family knows about this, what really is left to blackmail him over?? It kinda doesnt make sense to me after this point. just that shes harassing you all for no reason.
whatever she says, dont let it get to you, stay calm because shes just looking for you to fuel her anger and justify in her brain why she should be allowed to act the way she does.
Keep the messages from her and record all interactions for proof later should you have to take her to court.
When you answer her back in these messages stay calm, do not curse, and say things like an adult would. AKA "excuse me your being unreasonable, you are not welcome at our home and if you show up i will notify the police"
"we have no interest in any further communication so i would appreciate it if you would stop calling, emailing, texting, or messaging any of us. thank you.
then ignore her from that point on so that the court can see that you asked/told her nicely that you wish to have no further association with her.
You father obviously doesnt realize the effect her would have on you all when he did what he did, and sometimes parents arent perfect. They are people too, they make mistakes just like everyone else, and sometimes before you realize it you find yourself in a situation you never thought you'd be in, doing things you never thought you'd be doing. ((((not that im defending what he did AT ALL here))) because if things were this bad your parents should have gone to counseling or made the choice to part ways in civil manner. Sadly, alot of people arent capable of that and think they have to out right do something hurtful in order to break up because they havent been happy for a long time.
I dont know anymore about the situation to be able to say "this was along time coming" but i know enough to know that your hurt, this will pass, and youll all get through it if you can manage to pick yourselves up by the boot straps, stand together as a family (with or without him in the picture) and bond and learn from this and just try to take it slowly. Move forward and if you have to, live day by day and soon days will turn into weeks, and weeks into months and maybe someday youll be able to understand why this happened.
You still have to live your life for you and no one else. Things are probably much more complicated for them then you can understand right now so just give them some time to sort things out and try not to give any snide remarks unless your asked for you opinion. Im sure their aware that your very hurt right now and just cant deal with you at the moment. try to be there for your mom right now.
good luck and feel free to inbox me if you need more help. ; )
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First let me say how sorry I am that you are caught up in this. Your father is still your father that will never change or will the love he feels for you. What has happened is really between him and your mother though it is understandable why you feel as you do.
As I said whatever is happening is happening between you mom and your dad. If they are going to get through this they are both going to need all the love you and your brother can give them. You will only hurt yourself more if you try to take sides. You should also not allow yourselves not to be caught in the middle between them. If either mom or dad asks you to take their side in this you should tell whoever asks that you love them both and will be there for both of them. This is the best advice I know of to keep you from being any more hurt then you are.
As for the threats and texts from the other woman. You are of legal age so either you or mom can go to the district court and request a peace order against her which will require her to stay away from you, your home. As for text messages contact your carrier and see if and how you can block your phone from receiving calls and messages from her. I know it can be done I just don't know how to instruct you to do so.
I know this is hard on you and I wish I could tell you things will get better. I can't for I don't know that. What I know for certain is that this is between your parents and does not change their feelings for you or your brother.
The one thing you can do to help yourself is to contact a good psychologist for talk therapy for both you and you brother. Talk therapy with a psychologist will give you and your brother someone to talk openly to and say how you feel knowing what you say stays in therapy and never gets back to your parents. The psychologist can also help you deal with whatever is happening. Your parents health insurance should cover the cost of the therapy sessions.
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