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Unsociable twin dragging me down
So I have a twin who doesn't really have any friends because she's super shy and quiet.
We go to different universities and recently it was our birthday.
A friend from my uni suggested me and her do something to celebrate our birthday like a nice meal out.
Only thing is my mum said I should bring my twin to the meal. However I know its harsh but I don't think I'll have as good a time since she's quiet.
Like we're 20 and its not my responsibility anymore for her to make friends is it? I've been doing so all my life-making friends then she tags along and I've had enough!
What should I do?
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Does your twin *want* to do this?
If not, then explain to your mom that you are bnoth 20 and you are not the same person and you choose to celebrate your b-day in different ways.
If so, well … that's trickier. She's going to a different university: she doesn't have friends there? I'm saying that you need to turn her down, but maybe it can be done gently. If not, well then you might have to be a bit harsh about it.
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Ask your twin what she wants to do and make a compromise.
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May i suggest two different events. For something like a birthday, or other celebrations like when she graduates college, celebrate just with her and with family. Do your own preferred place to go or way to celebrate on a separate day and time. It doesnt matter which actually falls on the actual birthday or not. My daughter recently had birthday last month and has shared on FB of 3 to 4 more birthday celebrations for her she attended besides the time I spent with her on her actual birthday, the last occuring just a week ago with a few friends who weren't around a month ago and still wanted to treat her out for her birthday almost a month later.
The thought is what matters, not the actual day.
Now I would assume that Mom and the family planned a family birthday event to celebrate the birthdays of both of you, if mom didn't then I can see why she may have made that suggestion to you.
However, I would draw the line at Mom expecting you to invite her along to your own separate celebration with your friend and expect this despite the fact the whole family including you gathered to celebrate the birthdays.
In this case, Mom would only be enabling her to continue to stay shy or have what many call today social anxiety. I know how that is, I used to be like that. No one can change your sister but herself. I had to get to the point where I was sick and tired of being so shy. Still scared but wanting to do anything to get over it and here I am today, able to talk to strangers I meet, I always make the first move rather than wait for someone else to speak first.
I would have to agree that at this point, the tagging along thing needs to end, its one thing when she was a grade school kid, even middle school. But by high school, the parents should have been seriously urging her to learn to get over her shyness and anxiety. That is the best thing anyone could do for her. Allowing her to tag along instead of teaching her how to overcome shyness is simply crazy. It doesnt help her as a person at all. What your parents suggest, still allowing her to tag along with you and friends is only enabling her to remain stuck. It will affect her in more areas than just having friends, it will affect her ability to land a job. the more secure outgoing person will win over someoone with same degree and skills who appears wimpy, too shy. It will affect her ability to attract a mate in the longer run as men as drawn like moths to a flame by the self confident woman, and one so shy at her age, is not going to catch any attention. Humans are humans. They do not wish to interact with someone who is going to make them have to carry the whole conversation or drag words out of them.
Example: when dating after a divorce, I met at a coffee shop with a guy whose profile sounded pretty good but when I walked up and asked if he was John he only nodded. I pointed and asked if he'd like to sit there, again he nodded. Once seated I asked what he would like to talk about, He just shrugged his shoulders. to this point, not a word was said from him. So I carried the convo, told stories and only got an occasional yes or no from him...nothing more. I was looking for a new mate, and living day in and out with someone who will not communicate at nearly age 50 was not something I intended to get stuck with. I told him right then we were too different and I was not going to work with him. This is what your sister faces if the parents keep enabling her and she isn't tired of being so shy.
You might ask her if she really wants to learn how to get over being shy. I did it. there is a step by step plan on how to do it. Its simple and she can move along at a pace that she's comfortable with, she is the only one who will be pushing herself to do the next step but she has to want to. So ask her as soon as you can if she really wants to learn how to overcome this, how badly does she want to overcome this. Give her the situations I mentioned where her shyness will affect other areas of her adult life. Either she's going to have a long lonely unproductive and unhappy life or she is willing to do whatever it takes to get beyond this. I find most social anxiety doesnt need a dr.s intervention. It isn't an anxiety that is evident in other areas of life, like over worrying about family members, about school, about a test, etc.... that anxiety needs a Dr. If thats the case, bring that up to her and to the parents. She'll need the encouragement now as an adult to go see a Dr for it. I don't think the birthday here was the issue. But I understand the resentment you can feel building up in you, as its gone on long enough and it isn't your fault as much as your parents and sis herself for allowing this situation to get to this point.
So write me back. Let me know if she wants the plan to overcome shyness and I'll give it to you to give to her. Thats the best thing you can do for her as your twin sister. Do let this slide. remember, the parents are going to eventually be gone some day and the only family still around is siblings and cousins your age. You do not want to find yourself the only one taking care of a sister at late 40's on, who still suffers social anxiety and expects you to find her jobs, find a boyfriend or husband for her and find her freinds.
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You should find a way to celebrate your birthday that includes your sister.
Really. I've got seven siblings. I'm not besties with most of them, but on their birthday I'd make sure I'd acknowledge that and spend some time with them if I was able too.
Maybe this meal suggested by your friend isn't the right time or way to include your sister, but seriously, you need to suck it up. It's not your responsibility to make friends for her, it is your responsibility to be decent and sisterly and celebrate her birthday with her.
If you are looking for excuses to reject your sister utterly because she has a different temperament than you do, stop that. You are becoming adults now, so it's time to figure out how to be kind to the person she actually is and stop whining because you think she wants all your toys. She probably doesn't want you to make friends for her, but she probably does want you to be make time for her, on the birthday you share.
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