|
Suicidal thoughts - getting worse
I'm Kayla and I'm 23 years old. I have been battling with depression for a year and a half now. My life is pretty great actually. I have my very own beautiful house that I pay for, with the help of my 2 best friends, I have a wonderful boyfriend that loves me more than life itself, I have a college degree, a stable job, a car, a dog, everything people typically strive for. But somehow, I am just not satisfied. I think I hate myself and will never give myself the credit for my accomplishments. I hate my face. My nose is way too big, bigger than any nose I've seen on anyone. It's not little and cute like every other nose. It's long, pointy, with a huge hump. My hair is too dry, I can't do anything with it. My toes are all the same size and look ridiculous in sandals. I can't find any clothes I like to wear because I feel so ugly 100% of the time and no crop top or accessories can make me feel sexy. My boyfriend wants to have sex ALL the time but I never want to. I used to be 100 pounds like 6 months ago. I had a flat stomach, abs, bathing suit body to a T. Now I'm 130, my stomach pokes out, sometimes I look pregnant. I know most people think "oh poor you." but it's really messing with my head. I think about suicide on a daily basis. Everytime I drive, I think "If i just turn the wheel and close my eyes, I won't feel a thing". Everytime I walk into my garage, I think "All I have to do is leave that door closed and turn the car on and just sit here and breathe." Every time I'm at home and my roommates are gone (like this week, they're in New York; We live in Texas) I think "I'm sure I can guess the code on Caitlyns safe and get her gun. One second, boom, don't feel a thing". These are thoughts that bombard me every single day. And leave me with whatifs. I have never made an attempt. But I think that's only because I'm scared to feel pain. I would never drown myself, or set myself on fire, or jump off a bridge. Is this doctor worthy? Can I just get assurance that I'm not the only one who feels like this? Why am I not satisfied with my life? I know it could be alot worse. Please help me :(
Sincerely,
Sad All The Time
[ ]
Want to answer more questions in the Sexual Health and Reproduction category?
Maybe give some free advice about: General Sex Questions?
Yeah, pretty major problems there.
"I know most people think "oh poor you.""
Paranoid delusions. This is some really rather serious sh*t. Take this post you wrote and show it to a doctor.
]
Every life is very precious including yours :)
I lost my father 3 years ago to suicide and it was very traumatic on my mother and me both.
It drove a lot of the relationships that my father had with people away from us because they blamed my mom and me for him killing himself plus it drove away his side of the family and they also blamed him plus I beat myself up like I could have done something to stop him from doing it.
I was the very first one to see him that morning.
But I am going to tell you suicide is not the answer because it tears people apart and makes everyone blame themselves plus it makes everyone feel super depressed.
I am only 19 years old and I am wry depressed but I still hold my head high and like they say fake it until you make it.
Hope I was helpful and I will be praying for you.
]
You could talk to a doctor about this, but I completely understand if you don't want to. People don't want to talk to a stranger, all their emotions and all the many thoughts circling around in their head. It's hard for a lot of women to accept their bodies and how they look, that's just how we are made. You have to focus on yourself and nobody else. Maybe you need a day or a weekend to go camping in the woods with your friends and your boyfriend and see how much they care about you, how much they accept the way you are and the way you look. Look at what you have; you have all these incredible things, but maybe you need to take a step back and get away from that life for a few days to really see what you have. I, myself, have had body issues and feeling like nobody likes me, sometimes I still feel that way, but in the long run, that shouldn't affect the way you live your life. You shouldn't let that get in the way of being happy because there is so much more to life than looks and looking a certain way.
]
Hello Kayla,
You know, It's funny. As I'm typing this, I keep looking at where it says 'Your brilliant answer:'. I cannot even begin to think that my response to this would be brilliant, nor anything about me or my life. This is kind of ironic because I was just talking with my mom today about how I got high honors in all of my classes since childhood without trying. Even so, I have never once thought of myself as smart or helpful, and I know there is much more I could be doing with my life.
I'm not going to tell you to be grateful for what you have because I know exactly how you feel. I have been a self-harmer since I was 9 years old, and I am still struggling with my urges to this day. (Please do not come anywhere close to self-harming, because even if it helps you a little it hurts your loved ones much more.) Other than my parents' divorce and a nasty custody battle that left me in a pit of depression for a few years, my life would be considered very good. I have friends, family, and many things to be grateful for. And yet, I still feel extremely suicidal and have suicidal thoughts almost all the time. I notice myself feeling that pang of loneliness even when I'm surrounded.
So, let me ask you: Do you have anyone who can relate to your mental situation in a way that you would like? Or are you putting up a mask to hide it all from those who you consider your friends?
I am a very psychological person, and there is never a moment where I'm not thinking or putting myself in someone's shoes. I honestly don't think that it does any good, but I like to try to help people with what I can, when I can. So, from your situation, the above questions are the first questions that popped up. If you don't think you do have people you can relate to, maybe it's time you started looking for someone that could really understand how you feel. I'm always open to new friendships, so if talking to me is something you are interested in, please let me know. You are never alone.
Also, do you have social media of any kind? If so, are you very active with it? A lot of psychological problems are inspired from hidden peripheral things that go on in social media. (Sorry if that didn't make much sense, I couldn't really find the proper words to describe my thought process.)
I look forward to your response, should you grace me with one. I will keep you in my thoughts!
]
A lot of this seems to be wrapped up in your self image. Believe me, if your boyfriend didn't find you sexually attractive, he wouldn't be wanting sex with you at all, not just all the time.
Shall I describe myself in hopes it helps you? I am into my fifties so i have wrinkles and my skin is starting to have that 'old' look, my hair though long is half brunette and half silver now. In high school I weighed 110. Most my life about 115 but as a very fine boned small person, at 128 lbs, yes I now have some rolls around my middle and belly but I also have a bigger chest to go along with. My husband reassures me that I am still sexy. even takes pics of me to look at when I am asleep and he's in the mood. I still make him hard, looking as I do. I also have a big nose, the big hump or bump of a nose I got from my Jewish Father. I find all sorts of things that I wish looked different on me. But guess what, we are always more critical of ourselves than others. Many guys know that the model images of females in media is all false and very few humans look like that naturally without medical or photographic alterations. And these guys want the real female.
I suspect that your self image though is affected because your'e seeing it through a veil of depression.
Some depression is chronic and some is related for a short term to life altering events like losing grandma to death or losing a job but after some time, learning how to cope and recover from it and move on in life. What you are going through, constant thoughts of death, even if you could never bring yourself to do it for fear of pain, is not something anyone should have to live with. You will need a doctor, a professional to check your mental health out fully. Don't feel this means you're crazy or less of a human or broken somehow. Many people suffer from depression, and thre is much teaching and education on it so there's no bad stigma associated with it. get the medicine you need and hopefully training to help you deal with thought processes that keep perpetuating your problem and making it worse. Called negative thinking or stinking thinking, a good thing is to learn how to catch yourself the moment a negative thought hits and avoid dwelling on it, that only makes you feel worse. Even if you can't replace it yet with positive thoughts, you can at least speak out a positive phrase to yourself for your subconscious to hear. Eventually with proper training from a professional, you find that doing this along with medication will change things around for you and give you your life back.
So go see a professional dear. If you need to talk again, you may write me, but remember, I am no professional. I can only share what I know from my own life and having a daughter a bit older than you who suffers depression and needs meds too.
]
More Questions: |