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Do I need to disclose my past?
Before I met my current boyfriend, I was dating someone much older than me, with a lucrative past (he lied about his past, and even his age at first). My boyfriend knows about this guy, but not the details; certainly not his age.
He's never asked, but should I tell him? What if he doesn't want to be with a girl who has a stain on her past?
Thanks :)
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I think there's something to be said for the old maxim "Never hold back information....never volunteer information" in this case. Meaning if he ever asks direct questions about your old ex, give him honest and direct answers. If he never asks, don't feel compelled to tell him, and leave the past in the past. Which is where it belongs really, isn't it?
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As tough as it can be, the foundation of any good relationship is honesty. And by honesty, I do mean full disclosure of not leaving out potentially important things.
For example, on a much more intense level, my brother's first wife was a woman who had been molested as a child. He never knew that and it impacted their relationship and very likely had ended up being the cause for their divorce.
I suggest that you ask him if he wants to know the whole story. If he says he doesn't, then fine. If he does, go ahead and tell him.
We all have skeletons in our closets of some sort. If he really cares about you, the past won't matter. If it is a problem for him, as hard as it may be to accept, he's probably not the guy that is meant for you anyway.
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the only women who write in with fears of their dating or sexual past being a stain for them with current boyfriend seems to be the ones from India, or some middle eastern country where the mentality of men there is so backwards that women have to order fake hymen kits thru the mail to use and put inside so when he has her on wedding night, she bleeds fake blood and he is satisfied she is a virgin.
It really does not matter what your dating past is, who with, their age, rank or serial number. What is a woman becomes a widow. If her boyfriend going to consider her stained because she has a past with a man? Either you have a fear for no reason or the man you are currently dating has some crazy beliefs and may not be worth your time.
The only time something needs to be revealed is if your a carrier for HPV or Herpes. Although the majority of people today have it and don't know it because most never have the visual signs of it. But if you do know, then this is something you should reveal. Other than that, other details of your past are irrelevant. I was first married to an abusive man. Do you think I worried that some new guy would never have me because I used to be in relationship with an abusive man? nO. And no man that I chose to date had any issue with it when they heard. I also had dated both much younger and much older men after my divorce. that was never an issue for any new guy I met and certainly not the new husband i found.
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Why do you think this a 'stain'?
If you really feel it's a big deal that you choose to date someone older than you, then yes, you should probably mention that to your boyfriend.
However, it's really not a big deal. It's a a choice you made - maybe it wasn't a good one, but it sounds like that had more to do with the guy's lies than his age. It's not a 'stain' it's an error. Stop beating yourself up, and definitely don't let anyone else look down on you because you dated someone older! That's no crime. It doesn't make you any less worthy of love than if you only ever dated people your own age.
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For the moment if you are just dating and not into a serious relationship I see no reason to relate past relationships. We all have a past and they include past relationships. When and if the relationship becomes more serious you and he can discuss whether or not you wish to know about each other's past relationships.
My bet is if you are at the point where the relationship is headed for the alter your past dating and sexual relationships won't matter anymore. I doubt this other guy is going to say anything to your boyfriend for by doing so he will then be outed as the liar he was when he met you.
For now my advise is to follow your heart but I do not believe you need to relate your past to your current boyfriend especially if he has not done so with you.
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