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To reconnect or not to reconnect. It's complicated
So my father is possibly about to be released from prison after 15 years. He was charged with first degree sexual assault and breaking/entering. He was or is suspected of the same against two others. He's never been violent to me (or it was only when I was too young to recall). However he has with my mom, her children, and his first wife knows (or knew, ill address that in a bit)) he was/is a violent person.
First some background: I'm the bastard child of my parents who were married with their first spouces when I was conceived. My dad is a bit of a player, he went to his home state then back to his first wifes house. Somewhere he hooked up with another lady and they did drugs together. The first wife was hooked on my dad for some reason, my mom was too but got over him over the years. The first wife hated my mom and still does(Blames her for dad going to prison ?!?!). My mom had two sons before me and dad had two sons and a daughter.
I've been reconnecting (or rather connecting since we've been across the country from eachother all the time.) I haven't talked to my dad in a while after things got a bit heated and my parents are no longer talking after moms boyfriend moved in. Originally he told her not it was OK to have a relationship. He called me up to tell me this. He talked to his first wife the same way he has to mom in the past. My mom used my facebook to look at first wifes feed, which mentioned dad quite a bit.
I've been talking to my sis lately. I'm not certain but I think shes in denial about dad or isn't aware of who he really is(I think his sons have a similar sentiment as mine towards dad, one of them telling him they want nothing to do with him). I've been wanting to reconnect with some family after Ive been a shutin for 3 years. I'm dreading any future talk about dad, or why i would be reluctant to have any relationship with him, any more than a few phonecalls per month once he is out. I don't fixate on him, but I would be lying if I said I didn't feel any disgust/shame/resentment. The recent drama with him has me doubting if he's changed.
The strange thing with Firstie is, I found an old newspaper clip where she said he was a bad guy, and claimed there was an order for him not to come near her or her kids. However the sentiment appears to have changed.
The heart of this is:
Should I write him out completely or remain in some contact? I've read that some contact lessens recividism. Should I stay in touch with his other kids and his family? I feel like I don't really know him but hes still my dad. I'm planning on moving and I'm not sure if I should tell him exactly where I'd be. How should I approach any conversation about dad?
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Maybe give some free advice about: Families?
To make it easy, my sentiments are exactly the same as advicemans, and I too am curious as to why you have been a shut in.
As for connecting with any half siblings, those who carry the same blood, yes they are family and your siblings and if you do get along with them, then connectin with and seeing them is no problem. And there should be no guilt over being willing to have half siblings in your life but not the man whose sperm created them. that is two quite different things. Now just so you dont get this wrong, there is no law or biblical rule that you must stay in touch with any children he sired. You certainly owe nothing to any of his past wives. Just as with your own circle of friends, only associate with people what you get along with and treat you well. His other children are not him. they are just as separate an individual from him as you are. Only form a relationship with them if you really like them, other wise don't.
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From what you have written I will be brutally honest with you. From the standpoint of being a dad or father he is not in any description of the word. I mean biologically he is you father. For he supplied the sperm you were conceived from. Again being frank mom could have gone to a sperm bank to conceive you, that would not make the sperm donor your father.
A father is someone that is there for you while you are growing up. Provides a loving home. Nurtures you and guides you through the pitfalls of childhood. He is not someone who does drugs, sexually assaults people and goes to jail for 15 years.
If you want to consider him your dad/father that is your choice. Bear in mind one thing though. You say you recently have been connecting with him. There is a reason convicts are called cons. You say he is going to be released soon. If he is being paroled he is going to need a place to stay. Generally with a family member. You say his son wants nothing to do with him. Fifteen years is a long time and you just recently start to connect with him. Even if it is you doing in attempting to connect; I question his motives.
What concerns me more about what you have written is you say you have been a shut in for the past 3 years. I would like to know more of why you have been a shut in. It is possible we can help you get out of the house and live a good life. That is the purpose of what we do here. Write us again and let us see if we can offer any help.
As for your biological father it is your choice. If I were you I would follow your brother and have nothing to do with him. From what you write he has never been a real dad to you.
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