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Why can't he develop feelings for me?
About a year ago I met the most amazing guy. We clicked immediately, and he asked me out. We dated for several months, but broke up when he had to change states for his job. We considered doing long distance, but ultimately decided against it (I could tell he didn't really want to).
We remained friends - with benefits. We've been visiting each other every few months or so. We discussed getting back together if we ever found ourselves in the same city. Then, he mentioned that although he had strong feelings for me, he didn't know if he could ever love me, and didn't want to break my heart again. He eventually confessed that he never had feelings for me; which makes very little sense to me because he really seemed like he did like me. He claims that he loves spending time with me, but that's it.
He is a very emotionally distant person. He has trouble opening up and dislikes talking about his feelings. I know he's been hurt in the past; every girl he has had real feelings for has hurt him, but he claims to "get over it" very quickly. He does not attach emotionally to anything.
He calls me his best friend. We talk daily. He encourages me to date and meet other guys, and it hurts. He talks about his future, and I'm not in it. I'm a little hurt because I'm blindsided; we seem to have the perfect recipe for a wonderful relationship. I want to be with him and he thinks he can't love me - I don't understand how someone could even come to that conclusion, especially when we are best friends and are sexually involved.
Any advice?
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Honestly don't know what to tell you I'm only responding to tell you that the same thing just happened to me if it makes you feel any better to know your not the other one with this issue. Best of luck
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And I agree with the other 2 advice givers.
I want to point out a phrase you gave us: He does not attach emotionally to anything.
It doesn't matter if he used to before being hurt or if he's always been that way, but a person unable to connect emotionally to another is not relationship material. It takes 2 things to have a solid foundation for any relationship, the emotional attachment of being best friends,and being sexually compatible. Both are a must in relationships yet there are many marriages even with only one, best friends with no sex anymore or sex partners who never bonded in friendship. So I'm sorry but I have to disagree, you do not have the "perfect recipe for a wonderful relationship". When your heart is attached to someone, even if it doesn't work out or isn't the best situation, it's still going to hurt to not be able to be with them. The hurt doesn't mean that he is the right one for you, it's just that as humans, it takes a while to recover from disappointments and heartbreaks.
The option inside of him to heal or change his disposition, lies entirely with him. There is no outside influence that can change that. So to be blunt, all you have is an occasional sex partner with him. And there is nothing you can say or do to influence him.
If you are still puzzled as to why the sex part has worked out for you if he claims to not love you...well...there's a major difference between men and women. At least for the great majority of men and women although there are a few who are different, but men do not need to be in love to want sex or for it to be terrific because they are drawn to it by feelings that are not love based but sexual attraction based so they can Lust after a woman but not love her. There are some exceptions in guys, but most guys are able to engage in sex with or without love, until they do find love. Females on the other hand, have a much harder time engaging in sex if they don't have feelings of love for the guy. This doesn't mean that there aren't women out there who just want sex for sex sake and don't really want the love and relationship. Unless humans are a hermit by nature, most of us like a certain amount of social interaction with others, talking to and being around other people to whatever limit we're comfortable with. So he may enjoy the social interaction with you which you misunderstood as him having feelings for you since he did ask you out but remember this, humans do not seek out other humans for relationships that they are not sexually attracted to looks wise. We can hope that once they get to know us, that there is more than the sexual attraction and they have the ability to become ones best friend while at the same time sexually wanting the other. It doesnt always turn out that way. A few months together should have been enough time for him to fall for you in other areas besides sexually. Like your personality, your peculiar traits, your morals and beliefs, mannerisms, etc...the whole ball of wax and that is where love starts.
If this man was in love with you, he would not have been able to leave your side and either would have begged you to come relocate with him or not taken the job. It doesn't take long for a man to fall in love with a woman. He doesn't need time to think it over slowly. If he is ready to find a mate for life and is open to the idea, then he will jump at the first chance when he meets the right lady. My 2nd husband proposed 3 weeks after I first learned he existed. Adviceman on this advice site, has shared his story and it was equally quick for him. I know its so for many others. If you still feel strongly that there was a solid friendship, I can tell you from experience with my ex, that a person can fake it for years to get what they want and need. My ex not only was not treating me as one would a friend but he quickly turned to complaining about our sex life and I am no sexual prude. We were not a right match in many ways. And yet so many young couples in church actually told us that they felt we were the ideal couple and they wanted to be married as long as we were. He faked the friendship for 30 years before I left because he was also abusive. It doesn't take something so obvious to show there is no real friendship dear, so I hope you realize for all these reasons, that there is no chance. Take time for your heart to heal and then maybe get some books on the differences between men and woman to help you understand better for the future...something like Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus is a good start and also you may want to study the do's and don't of dating and relationships for the future to have a better chance of knowing what's really going on and not ended up with that 'blindsided' feeling simply because you were not well enough informed on mens and womens natures.
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I agree with Rahzie.
He's telling you what he wants, and even though it sucks, there's nothing you can do besides believe him.
The only other thing you can do is sit around and wait for him to maybe change his mind. But who knows when/if that will ever happen?
You like him a lot but talking to him every day and sleeping with him won't help you move on. And the best advice I can give you is to move on.
You have to respect his feelings and his wishes that he doesn't want to be with you.
I don't know why he doesn't have feelings for you, some people just spend time with someone and get involved to find out it's not the right connection. The only thing I can say is that you have to take care of yourself on your end because you can't change his end of things.
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Stop talking to him daily. Stop sleeping with him. Stop relying on him for an emotional connection he has straight up told you he will NOT be providing.
Stop holding on to this fantasy. It's disrespectful. Pay him the respect of believing the things he says and then decide, in light of the truths he has told you, whether or not there is enough here for you to stick around.
Hint: There isn't.
You aren't blindsided - you may have been once, but this has been going on for months now, so you know the score, you just don't want to know it.
The reality here is that he IS NOT OFFERING what you want. He has told he will not offer it - ever - but you keep acting like something is going to change if you just keep on doing what you are doing. That is definition of crazy.
Do you think if you keep calling him everyday he is going to suddenly change his mind? Do you think if you keep sleeping with him he is going to change his mind? Cause he isn't. That's crazy thinking.
You need to disentangle yourself. You need to distance yourself emotionally. You need to stop being a doormat. He is getting what he seems to want from your relationship, all the while telling you that he will NEVER give you the kind of relationship you want.
You have to end this. There is no good outcome for you. There is no path here to success for you. All that is left for you is to decide how much of your time and energy you are going waste on him.
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