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Why am I feeling like this, and what do I do??
(Sorry this is long, I'm in desperate need of help)
I'm 15 with very severe anxiety. Well, straight to the point, I feel like I'm being watched. I saw my dad looking at pornographic photos a few days ago (And a few times before that months apart), and ever since, I've felt weird. I felt like this before that, but now it's worse I think. I feel like my dad is a pedophile for some reason, but I think it's just my bad anxiety. For example, I don't want to go to a male therapist because I'm afraid of being molested. I have crazily bad anxiety, so..
Also, I haven't been raped before or anything nor touched by my dad. But I just feel like there are cameras in my room or something and I get scared. Also in the bathroom when I take a shower, I'm scared of a camera being in the mirror or somewhere. I also lock my door everytime I go somewhere, shower, etc. What do I do about this? Is it just my anxiety? I feel unsafe everywhere. Whenever I see my dad or come out of my room, I feel so weird and I avoid him or don't talk to him. Please don't tell me to discuss this with him or seek professional help, I'm just hoping someone can help me.
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Fact is, a lot of adult men look at porn. An awful lot at some time time or another. Unless it features images of children engaging in sexual acts, or explicitly nude it does not indicate they are paedophiles. Porn pictures are normally obtained with full consent. It's rare to get an opportunity to film or photgraph people having sex WITHOUT their consent. And the fact that porn models 'pose' and 'act' for the camera means solo shots are normally obtained with full consent. True, there is cctv and hidden camera footage 'out there' on the internet. But that certainly doesn't mean your dad is obtaining it of YOU. Your dad has not indeed raped you ortouched you in an unwanted way. Not been inapropriate in any way? And until you spotted him looking at porn you seem to have had no reason to suspect he ever would? So. You've got some anxiety worries? Bordering paranoia at times, eh? Often goes hand in hand, all about threats really. You see general threats and personal threats all over the place I guess? I assume you don't have a high regard of porn yourself? Don't really 'like it' and don't like the idea that 'guys like it' either? So seeing your day looking at it has really 'messed your head up'? And you're heaping all the negative feelings you associate with porn on dad. I absolutley promise you, there's no link between looking at adult porn and abusing/molesting children. Paedo's don't want to look at sexually mature women, it doesn't 'turn them on'. The rest of us guys don't want to look at pictures of youngsters and children engaging in sexual acts. It's pretty disgusting to us. And in case you're feeling that at 15 you're not exactly a 'little girl', not a child (which paedophiles want to look at). That you might visually appeal to normal well-adjusted guys (especially when you're all dressed and made-up?). Well...you might well do. But THIS guy knows you're 15 and even MORE significantly...he's your father. And he's extremely unlikley to want to approach you for sex. Again, it's termed incest and it DOES exist. But it's actually pretty rare. And I feel sure you'd have spotted a lot of signs long ago. He'd have done stuff you didn't undertand, but kind of 'felt wrong' and upset you when you were younger in all probability. I hope you feel better. This has all come about because you saw him looking at some porn hasn't it?. Really, if every adult guy who looked at sexy pictures of women and porn occasionally was a dangerous sex offender in the making, we'd ALL be! Me included. It's really just entertainment sweetheart. The models aren't forced into anything. They're either normal people who want to do it (amateurs) or professional adult actors/actresses who choose to do it and get paid handsomely too. I hope you might feel a bit better if you read through my reply? X
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In all honesty if I told you that you didn't need professional help I would be misleading you. There's no shame in having a therapist or psychiatrist either or asking family to take you to one.
I'm sure in the case of a therapist you can find a female one if non-trusting of males. The thing is you sound like you have an anxiety issue undiagnosed and untreated that has intensified and you need help and sooner the better rather than suffer in silence and have it take over your life. Right now it's controlling you and not you controlling it.
Secondly, you are definitely paranoid and NOBODY is watching you, nobody is molesting you nor will a male therapist. If you think you are being watched, filmed etc. or afraid someone you know will assault you sexually than you do indeed have problems and likely a mental health issue that needs to be dealt with as the paranoid beliefs aren't real.
Do the right thing be brave and explain what is going on to an adult and get help. Nobody will blame you but if you wait it's to your detriment as this can turn into a real crisis and seems headed in that direction. Something is WAY off here and not normal behavior but it can be dealt with. You just need to take that step.
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Dear In desperate need of help.
While I can't tell you exactly what's wrong, it's obvious that you're in a world of hurt. If you were my grand daughter, I would have you see the family physician. If your doctor is male, you can ask that a nurse be present during the examination. You should be as candid with the physician as you've been here in writing your question. They can make a preliminary diagnosis and perhaps prescribe something to give you some relief and then refer you to the place where the most effective treatment is available.
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