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Should I give up on the relationship?
I don't know whether I'm being silly or over-reacting but I just need to hear what other people think. Been with my boyfriend for over a year, things have been good. He's everything you'd want in a man- intelligent, focused, funny, and he a always does his best in every situation. We have loads in common, we truly get on like a house on fire.
There's been a few things which I felt the need to bring up over the year- mostly about not spending enough time together and also he wouldn't be overly emotive which I sometimes found hurtful. We've worked through these, mostly the spending time together, and everything was great. He's a reserved guy so I wasn't expecting him to be all lovey dovey all the time but it's very rare he is. Also in the bedroom, sex itself is good....but again he's reserved, and a bit selfish....he's never made me orgasm even though I've brought it up. It's like he doesn't want to change, and rarely wants to change up the moves in the bedroom- sorry if this is all TMI! I don't know if he realises how big of a deal this is for me because he usually does take things I say on board but I feel I shouldn't have to say this. He's not very experienced in this department so it could be that either.
He admits he doesn't love me yet, but has strong feelings for me....at this stage I would imagine he should feel stronger but am I just rushing him? I really really like him, he's the first person I've ever been with that I've had no doubts about, and I'm genuinely a much better and happier person when I'm with him, but just sometimes I feel we are more like friends. I've never felt that passion/fire from him...the feeling of 'having' to be with someone. Do you think because he is so reserved and not emotional I should just give him time or should I stop investing in this relationship? Thanks.
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Maybe give some free advice about: Love Life?
You've been together a year and you are just not feeling it from him? I don't like the other answers. They all say to give it time. A year is a lot of time. So, so much time! He has yet to give you what you want, need, and deserve. Yes, it could be because he is reserved and not emotional. My soon-to-be-ex-husband is like that. We gave it 15 years of marriage. Neither of us fit what the other needed. There is so much hurt in the end of this relationship, it is unbearable. If you are seriously questioning if you should give up on the relationship after giving it quite a long time, then yes. You should. If he isn't right for you, there is a good chance you are not right for him. Give yourselves a chance to find the right people. If you stay together just because you think you should, it will lead to a lot of resentment and pain.
Sorry to be such a downer, but your post really says a lot and I think you need to move on with your life so you can be happy.
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I wouldn't give up just yet. Every relationship moves at it's own pace and has it's own problems.
It's good that you bring things up with him, even if it's thing you feel like you shouldn't even have to bring up with him. But the thing is, guys can't read our minds so we need to say things, even if we think it should be the obvious thing to do.
Sit down with him and talk more. Tell him what you need from him. You want great sex and even though it might not be what he wants to do, he should do it for you to please you. It's not like it's something so strange and unheard of to make him that uncomfortable. We've all done things in bed that was strictly for our partners pleasure only, because some things, we just don't like.
He seems honest and it's good that he's not saying I love you just because you have.
In most cases people would feel stronger after this amount of time but each person is different so I'd give that time too. Plus when he does tell you he loves you, you really know it's a big deal.
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I don't know your age. If this is high school age, well, few guys are willing to be seriously in love at that age. They are only just learning, even sometimes in college, it's still a matter of not knowing what they want. And no, what you share regarding the sex life is not TMI, it is a very important fact in any couple relationship at any age. The fact that you have brought up the fact you'd like him to spend more time on you, finding ways to get you to orgasm rather than be selfish speaks great volumes. A relationship to be successful need two important bases covered, one of which is being each others best friend, and from what you say, it would seem you're close on that minus not having much communication, at least what you require. the other important base is the sexual side of things, The two have to be a match there, have compatibility, great chemistry. If chemistry is missing, it's like kissing your own brother romantically. If on a scale of 1 to 10, the chemistry is not 8, 9 or 10, there will be issues, that may or may not be overcome. Also, the couple need matching libido's, this is how often one wants/needs sex. Some are happy with just a couple times a month, others with couple times a week and others daily.
Then is the matter of wanting to put your partners needs before your own, wanting to please them. If there is no love for the person, likely they won't be driven to want to please them or work too hard on trying new things. You don't always gets it with a friends with benefits situations which kinda sounds like where you're at for the moment. He may grow to love you and he may not. However, do not set your sex life aside and give up on it because a guy is perfect in all other areas. Long term, this is what breaks up marriages, has one or both partner cheat to get their sexual needs elsewhere, staying only for the frienship. The best thing is to find the man who can be both for you. For the future, I will add my test of how to determine whether a guy loves you or not. Good luck dear, and just follow your heart in this.
7 Questions to know if he really loves you
1. Does he say I love you. For some, it's a hard thing to say but they show it to you in other ways. When he says “I love you”, he is viewing that as a commitment to you. It is not a flippant phrase.
Saying I love you too early like during first couple dates is a warning about the guy. Its a very good chance he is needy and wanting a woman to be his mom. Other phrases from a guy count too, like you're awesome, I adore you. You're the woman I always dreamed of.
2. Does he make you a priority in his life? Guys have more than one priority...things very important to him but you should be one of top 3.
What he does for you or how he acts can't be faked easily because it's hard to lie with your body. Things he does without having to be asked, making dinner, picking up something for a collection you have, making time for you, even if it's a walk or a long phone chat. If the guy likes you, he'll make time for you at least a quarter of the time.
3 Does he tell friends about you and like to show you off? Have you been introduced to his family and friends? If he keeps you separate, he's hiding something or ashamed or fearful of something
4. Does he care about your pleasure during sex? Is he only into seeking his own pleasure or your's too. Does he open his eyes and want to have both your eyes connect while making love?
5. Does he respect and encourage you? Respect means, does he value your opinion, do you share decisions and treats you as a partner. Are you encouraged by him to have your own friends and hobbies outside the relationship and encourage you to seek your dreams and uphold you in that.
Jealousy is not love, it's control. It's okay to be protective, but jealousy shouldn't be what prompts the protectiveness
6. Do your friends and family like how he treats you? Others make a great gauge for judging a guys character.
7. Does he look at you with lust and passion in his eyes, with a hunger and thirst for you? Does he give you admiring looks, does he still want to sneak peeks down your shirt. What he sees is Very important since guys are visually stimulated. If he isn't looking anymore, he has lost his interest. All men because of this natural trait, will also view other women but do so discreetly, without being an ass about it. Don't expect a man to look at only you. If he doesn't look at other women at all, it may be a sign that he is gay. You do want a man who is visually stimulated by women.
How many points are true for you with your guy?
7 true He treats you as a Queen and he is an exceptional man
5-6 true He loves you. Just don't focus on what is lacking.
3-4 true He loves you enough to make the relationship work for him. If it's enough for you, then be content. If you feel like you're settling for less, let him go and look for something better.
1-2 true He's a douche-bag, a user or controller. Leave immediately.
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it may take time, he could have had a bad relationship experience in the past, or maybe a bad past in general. but I think you should talk to him about it if it doesnt change soon. do what will make you happy!
hope this helps~
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