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Can't get past girlfriends past and am extremely jealous
My girlfriend of almost a year is the girl I want to and am planning to spend the rest of my life with.Shes perfect to me. But here's the thing, when we met she had a boyfriend, a fat, immature, poser(he's white and says the n word,wears a SnapBack,says eminem is the only good rapper alive,etc...).I convinced her to break up with him and we fell in love.Now I lost my virginity to her but she lost it to him.When I imagine that guy on top of her, I get insecure,mad,sad,jealous,etc..She says she regrets it,I believe her but still. Now the other day she told me this guy we both know was hitting on her and I laughed about it...then she told me "have you seen him in sweatpants ,looks like he has a 3rd leg or a really big water bottle in there.." Ever since then I haven't been able to look at her out of jealousy and insecurity, I mean why would she tell me that,was that really necessary,I'm confident with my size but it's not a damn 3rd leg.... So how do I get over it and just move on?plz help
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ALRIGHT FIRST , IF your girlfriend doesnt like you for your personality and for who you are then she doesn't deserve your beautiful soul . And jealousy is normal but dont let that emotion overpower other emotions . And at the end of the day its she's your's and no anybody else's . And dont worry about how you look what should blow her mind is your soul and how you treay her
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There is something else at work here that you are not telling us about or you are not being truthful with yourself about. Today just about everyone is going to have a sexual history. Statistically speaking people in the 18-25 range it is 86% or higher that they will not be virgins on their wedding night or when they meet their future spouse.
I've been married going on 44 years. The first thing my wife said to me was I could look at the menu but I could not reorder. I would say if your girlfriend is looking and not sampling or placing an order; you have nothing to worry about when she makes remarks like the one you write about.
There's something else going on here. Something you may not be fully aware of yourself other than it is giving you reason to look for an exit strategy. This is the girl you say you want to spend the rest of your life with. Before you make that commitment you best find out why you are looking for an exit strategy.
I would suggest you find a good psychology you are comfortable enough to talk freely with. Show him or her what you have written to us and go from there. If your employer has an Employee Assistance Program (EAP). Contact the EAP assistance center and ask for names of Psychologist. By going through EAP most programs will pay for the first several visits in full which may be all that's needed to find the answer you looking for.
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I'm going to start off saying that I don't think it's right that you're holding her past against her.
It doesn't matter what kind of guy he is, he's in the past.
Some jealousy is normal, but it shouldn't be something that goes to an extreme or something that you always think about.
I don't think it's wrong of her to joke about that either. I think she's comfortable enough with you to tell you things like that. I mean obviously if she wanted him, she wouldn't make a joke about him.
If you don't want her making comments like that, then talk to her about it. You don't need to point fingers at her or tell her that she's in the wrong, just tell her that it's a preference for you and you don't enjoy hearing comments like that.
I read over Dragonflymagics advice and I liked it. I think you need to find where this jealousy is stemming from and if it's just because you're insecure and not confident enough yourself or if there's actually a good reason to be jealous.
The only good reason I can think of is that you said you convinced her to break up with her ex. So maybe you feel like she can easily be swayed. But if you know she's not that kind of girl, then you need to work on this yourself.
Because her comment about another guy isn't a reason to get like this unless you're insecure about yourself. And if you are insecure, then this is something that you need to work on yourself and not be holding it on her for this.
You do seem like a good guy and if you love her, don't hold her past against her. You obviously don't want to feel this way so just work on yourself and your insecurity and it'll go away.
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I've attended a class which went over the topic of jealousy in relationships. What I was told is that jealousy is nothing more than an indicator that something is wrong and that some investigating is needed to determine what the underlying issues are. Same as an indicator light on your cars dashboard. If you ignore it, something is going to get worse. If you look under the hood or have a mechanic do it, you'll discover what is wrong.
The problem with jealousy is that people do not want to dig deep into their own psyche to uncover and discover what might be causing their jealousy. Jealousy usually has at it's roots, a fear of loss. It can cover many things, a fear of loss of life, loss of job or means to an income, loss of someone in your life. For some reason, you fear losing your girlfriend. It can be a rational fear, or un-rational. In myself, and in others who have shared with me, I find that most these fears have no base in reality. But I am no psychologist, I have simply made some observations in life. If you take the time, you may discover what is really at the bottom of your fears that cause your jealousy. However, if you do, you'll realize that it means there are some adjustments or changes you personally need to make in your thinking at the very least, or perhaps in your behavior as well. Not picking on you sir, it's just human nature to prefer to not know that something inside us needs improvement, so we tend to point the finger at others and say its their fault we feel jealous. It is your choice, if that's what you end up preferring to do but you will never get past your jealousy.
You can't go tearing apart everything she's ever done or said and find fault there. When she made her comments about the '3rd leg', and you laughed, that encouraged her to joke with you even more. If she really was impressed that way about a guy, she honestly wouldn't be confessing it to you man, think about it. Would you go telling your girlfriend that some girl hitting on you had boobs the size of bowling balls if you really wanted to get involved with that girl? No, you wouldn't. If the other girl meant nothing to you, you'd have no problem joking about how she looked, and joke to the extreme like that. Most women in truth are an average size inside unable to accomodate someone the size of a water bottle. I don't know if there's a one in a million men, porn star that size but its highly unlikely. It is either impossible or a man smaller than that still is too big and it would be painful to her. I can attest to that, a man too long for me, well...it was very painful every time we tried. He hit some nerves that sent horrible charlie horse cramps down my legs. I gave up on him. Men get too whacked out about their size, comparing theirselves to others and believing themselves to be lacking somehow. I've dated enough men and have not found them lacking in penis size, just lacking in personality, maturity, their core values. I find it ironic that the very thing you may be fearing, that she will be easily stolen away by a guy she finds to be 'better' than you, is the very thing you did with her and the ex boyfriend, whom by your description, you believe to be of lesser quality as a male than yourself, so you convinced her to leave him. Perhaps the fear you might have buried in your subconscious, that you may not even be aware of, is that some guy will be able to do the same thing you did, and convince her to leave you. And you fear it will be over penis size. If you believe her to be that shallow and she is, why are you with her. If she is not that shallow, and yet you still think this of her, then my opinion, she could do better by leaving you. And perhaps, that is your true fear, knowing deep down that it is penis size you are lacking but some other personality traits. I am sorry to make it seem I am attacking you. That is not my intention. I am truly trying to be helpful in getting you to really want to do some honest self examination. For all I know, you might be a great catch for a boyfriend. But if so, then how would you explain away the jealousy you are feeling otherwise. I wish you the best. The fact you wrote asking for advice tells me, that there is a good chance for you to do the right thing, face your fears, and come to grips with your thought processes that have brought you to this point. Good Luck.
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Well first off, its normal to feel some envy because he was with her first, but imagine the shame she feels from having been with him and consciously made the choice to have sex with that guy. to think back on it now is kinda like "ewww" i think we all get that. However its HER shame/embarrassment to feel and not yours to harp on or hold over her. He was a bad decision obviously and im sure she knows that so i would just let that part of this go.
secondly, theres no reason to feel anything about the guy she mentioned that had a "water bottle" in his pants. honestly the average size for a man is 5 to 7 inches and anything bigger then that would just hurt most likely. So even if she looked at him and that looked appealing to her, if they WERE to actually do anything, it would probably hurt terribly and thats the truth lol. ; )
Its up to you to get over the insecurity your having about her past, the thing she said about that guy, and what her motives might have been for saying it. She might have just been thinking out loud right at that given moment and didnt realize it would make you react the way you are now (or feel the way you do). If she has ONLY YOU in her heart and no one else and your sure of that then whats there to be afraid, jealous, or insecure of? nothing is going to happen is even she says something like that out loud. It sounds to me like YES maybe she could have just kept that thought to herself but maybe since she feels liek she can be herself around you she made a thoughtless off handed comment. thats all. everyone says things they dont mean sometimes and usually when i hear another female friend of mine saying something like that about a guy its usually to make fun of him! lol.
good luck ; )
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