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He was with another woman....and never told me
I have a dilema.Its bugging me.Pricking at my gut and wont leave me alone.I have been pursuing this guy for a very very long time.We will be moving in together soon.We are in a long distance relationship.During our time,we never said we were boyfriend and girlfriend,but we have been flirty and the whole bit. I was on his Instagram,and found a photo of him kissing another woman,who was at the time his girlfriend.Even on Facebook,it is listed and posted that he was in a relationship with her. This lasted from May 2013-January 2014. He and I talked so much during that time.Never once did he tell me about her.He took time to post on social media about his relationship,but never to me.They photos of them kissing,having fun,the whole bit.Its as if I never even existed.Obviously,Im deeply hurt. Im hurt because he already knew I loved him,he already knew I cared and had feelings,and yet still he went to be with her. Why didnt he tell me?
Why was I left out in the cold?
Why did he lie?
Should I mention this now? Or should mention it when I finally get there to see him.
I have know about this for 3 months,and it bothers me at my gut every single day
Am I wrong because I felt this?
Was he right or wrong?
Just because we didnt make a full commitment to one another,we did confess we had feelings for each other and liked eachother.
Please,my gut is punching at me.
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Maybe give some free advice about: Love Life?
You will have to decide for yourself what you want to do based on what criteria you have for a guy you date. If you've never given it a thought other than "I want him to be attractive and a nice guy", that's not good enough. What character traits go into the making of this 'nice guy' you are looking for?? I know you think he is the one for you, so though hurt, you may be willing to overlook some things if he says 2 simple words, "I'm sorry." But words like that or 'I love you' are just words unless the person speaking them can prove over time that they mean it by how they back up those words with the right actions. And this is what helps build trust with someone over time, that they can back up their words with action, that they are consistant, and that is how you get to know who they are at core, their core values. Right now, if going by his actions to determine what his core values are deep inside, you already know they are not good. Yes, you heard me right. There's something wrong with his values. Right now you're thinking of yourself, and not focusing on where he was messing up with the other girl. I understand the two of two made no commitment to each other verbally. What if he had done that, and yet still had the relationship with her at the same time. See what I mean about words backed up by action. Now here's something else to help you see what's going on here. If you feel you can't totally blame him for anything because of no promises made, then pretend for a moment you are that other girl. During the time he made a commitment to date you, he also went on line to seek out a new friendship with a girl and he flirts with her. If you were her, and your boyfriend is flirting on line with another woman, would you think your boyfriend was really a great catch, one of the 'good' boyfriends, a keeper?
Now you need to decide whether flirting on line is really cheating or not. If you are okay with that, no need to bring up how you were hurt, because if it's really okay with you, then it wouldn't be something that hurt you. If you are not okay with it, well you can bring up the conversation and listen to his side of it without dramatics as already said.
No matter what explanation he gives, put yourself in the other girls shoes and then decide if what he is doing is still Kosher with you. If he says, "Well, I discovered we didn't have enough in common so I was gonna dump her once I found someone else." If you were the other girl, would you want to fight to get back a guy who couldn't be honest with you, didn't feel romance with you, doesn't have proper social ethics and possibly doesn't wish to be monogamous, either in dating or marriage. Doesn't sound like a keeper to me.
Too many women are willing to settle for less and will put up with this nonsense so young men grow up into older & older men who still haven't the faintest clue what women really need and want from a guy and what they won't put up with because women have been willing to take whatever scraps of attention the guy will toss her, much like a pet dog sits under the table expectantly looking at you, waiting for you to toss it some table scraps. You need to give serious thought to what you want from a man, the man who you will hopefully end up long term, maybe life long with. He has to be great enough boyfriend/husband material right now without a single change made, because changes for the better are not 100% for sure going to happen.
So the only thing you can count on right now is where he is at right now as a man with whatever morals, character and beliefs and values he has if any.
Lastly, I will share that the internet, or even phone calls, from a person you've never spent time with in person, is nothing more than theater of the mind. A person can easily hide things from the other on line, pretend and take on a role like an actor on stage. Also, this is not the venue in which trust can grow. I found my 2nd husband online dating. I literally had a few hundred guys write to me. I learned quickly that no matter how much I liked them on line, it was important to take a relationship from online to face to face asap if I wanted the relationship to have a fighting chance if he truly was the good guy I felt he was or to meet and give him the opportunity to show me who he truly was at core, his true colors...and if it was anything at all that i wasn't willing to live with one year let alone til my dying day, then I dumped them if dating, or if just meeting first time, told them I wasn't interested after all. If a guy has major problems, he is not going to be willing to work on them and will be pointing the finger at others and saying they are the ones with issues.
I understand you have feelings for him, whether he has any for you remains to be seen. Unless the man is polyamorous, one usually doesnt have deep feelings/love for two or more at the same time, and one who is truly poly and understands the concept knows it calls for total honesty with everyone involved, advising both his other girlfriend and you that he is polyamorous, so that if you can't handle him openly having relationships with more than one female, and being okay with you having other guys you love as well, then he is not polyamorous, and in my book, should be avoided.
It's possible for men dating, to have conversations occasionally with females he knows, co workers, a girl he grew up with who is a close friend still but she's also in a relationship and there is no romance between them. If he has nothing to hide, he will explain to you who these women are, how he came to know them before I can discover about them or have to ask. He will also let his childhood female friends, or any female friends know that he has found a woman or is married to her so that they are aware of you. I hope this gives you something to think about and helps you sort out some issues cus frankly, I'd be leery of moving in together with someone like this.
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I can understand the way you might be feeling. maybe somewhat cheated?? could that be a good term? For, he may not have purposely LIED, but at the same time you were having a long distance relationship and you both have personal "needs" (i think you might know what i mean here) that need to met. AKA some sort of personal close attention that only someone who is actually THERE with you can fill.
On the other hand, maybe what you viewed in the pictures to HIM might not have been that serious, since like the previous poster said, you never set down boundaries. Its kind of unfair to try to pin him with purposely not telling you about her or vis versa. You have no idea what he was thinking at the time and he cant read your mind. This is why long distance/online relationships can fail alot of the time. Not only are boundaries NOT set, but hes having fun without you as well.
Maybe the relationship was already "over" to him and he hadnt told everyone else yet and deal with it. AKA explaining to people WHY him and this other girl broke it off, explaining to family, or explaining to HER that it was over if there WAS something between them.
Whatever the case if your going to be moving in together you DEFINITELY need to confront this and sit him down and talk about this. i would say over the phone and NOT online. Things can be misunderstood and that is NOT the place to really get a read on someone elses feelings.
Try not to be on the defensive when doing this, just ask as though you you NOTICED that on his timeline hes kissing another girl whilst during this time being evolved with you. then LET HIM EXPLAIN, listen to him, HEAR what he has to say about it, and most of all stay calm. If someone feels your attacking them it usually wont end well and they will close themselves off from you.
Look (or listen over the phone) for him WANTING to explain and reassure you about the whole situation to make you feel better and if he sounds like he doesnt care that you noticed and doesnt think its "that big of a deal" some key statements will show you his true colors on this, and on his boundaries about other women in general.
This will give you grounds to take some time to think about what you really want with him and then go from there. he should be willing to answer any questions you have about her as well as his questions about your past. Its apart of getting to know each other, and theres no reason for anyone to put up walls or get defensive.
good luck ; )
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I have a feeling you thought you were in a long distance relationship and that he didn't. After all you neither or you thought the other was boyfriend or girlfriend. Therefore, if that commitment was never made he's done nothing wrong by pursuing a relationship with or kissing someone while abroad. It's hard to tell why he didn't mention it to you.
If someone is a close friend they will talk to you on social media a lot and sometimes if it's a male talking to a female or vice-versa can come across as flirty when not intended.
I think you have strong feelings for him which he may not have for you. Right now you feel hurt but really cannot claim to have been in a relationship without either of you believing the other was their boyfriend or girlfriend. You never set up boundaries
You have feelings and a crush that runs deep. Right now you need to tell him your true feelings and how you felt crushed when you saw the photos and other girl. Let him know you wish he had told you.
Perhaps if it's out in the open you will be able to do something about your relationship. However, he may just see you as a close friend or may not want to be involved romantically.
If you are to live together you need all of this stuff to come out and be dealt with or it will be a giant elephant in the room. You'll resent one another and it will not end nicely. Talk to him and get all of this out.
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