|
Jealousy from her, or me?
F/18. You see I'm sharing an apartment with my best friend from six years (middle and high school) and its only been three months and a few weeks but I feel... strange. Its like I'm slowly getting to know her for real. At the beginning of the semester she dyed the tips of her hair blonde (I mean like yellow-yellow and not just tips, practically the whole half of her hair). She's the type of girl who's always wanting to do things right and is proper when needed to be. The thought recently occurred to me... that maybe... she's been trying to... I don't even know how to put it. It seems like she often tries to impress with her shorts and her dyed hair and her supposedly innocent acts where guys have flirted with her but she didn't notice. Sometimes I feel kind of bad and self-conscious when I'm around her and we're accompanied by people, because compared to me:
I'm thin and flat-chested, she has more body;
I'm shy and don't talk much or have a flirty/witty attitude of any sort, she talks much more than me and has a reachable personality;
She is way smarter than me.
She is younger than me by a few months yet she drives and I haven't gotten my driver's licence yet (I actually haven't had time to get something other than my Learner's Permit)
She has also done a few things I'm not very fond of. She takes a lot of the space on the cabinets in the kitchen and the fridge (we're two and the place is not that small so there should be enough space for both... yet there isn't); she's ditched me on various occassions for different things and different excuses; she's always interested in many guys and is quick to get all the attention.
I guess I just want to be mre upright and have more personality but I'm torn in two here: Who's really wrong? Me? Because of my image complex and posible feelings of jealousy towards her life and how she is able to do things I can't.
Or her? Because of the occasions in which she has not supported me/been there for me/ ditched me/comments on how I'm a 'twig' or 'boney' with a playful laugh that actually bothers the smithers out of me(yes I do not know if that Word even exists but in my mind it does)/shot down my dreams (she always has a "fact" or an "opinion" about my ideas or my style of dressing or... you get the idea).
I already said to myself that next semester I would start a new me and try to be more outspoken, confident, etc. I actually feel bad about
[ ]
Want to answer more questions in the Relationships category?
Maybe give some free advice about: Friendship?
Hi! Detailed post, well written with lots of specific issues. Let's look for a theme which might embrace them all? Are you creating a narrative here where you judge yourself and your happiness against who you feel you should be and the things you feel should make you happy....but are falling short? Well, what we THINK makes us happy is often in contrast to what actually does. Identify the things which comprise YOUR happiness. Focus on them, pursue them with all your capacity and secure them. Then the details of your friends life and attitudes will not seem so important to you. And you will envy nobody. X
]
You really do not get to know someone until you live with them. To me that is the real issue here, nt who is right and who is wrong. There is enough wrong to go around for both of you.
She is wrong for being insensitive and for taking more space than is her to have. I assume you are sharing expenses equally which means to the best of your ability the apartment space should be shared equally, kitchen, bathroom and bedroom if you share that as well including closets. The living room is a common area though space for individual items should be shared equally.
I will assume that this is the first time either of you have lived totally on your own without some type of adult supervision. This take getting use to. If you lived in a dorm you would have a dorm resident advisor to help over these hurdles. To resolve these issues and others what you need to do is what they would have you do in the dorm, have a roommate meeting each week. This would also be the day or evening you clean the common areas.
In this meeting you discuss any problems of the previous week and hopefully resolve them. You divide up the household daily chores for the week as well as who will do what of the weekly cleaning that day. These chores would be dusting and vacuuming the living room and any other common areas, cleaning the bathroom and kitchen. Once a month the windows and blinds need to be cleaned and the drapes need to be vacuumed. Make sure to dust over the top of the door frame for when mom or dad come to visit no matter how clean the apartment looks the first place we will look is the tops of door frames by running our fingers across them.
Fact of the matter is the apartment can be a mess, messy is not dirty. If I walk into my sons apartment and it's messy I don't have a problem with that. If I find dusty door frames, dirty dishes in the sink or a bathroom that hasn't seen a toilet brush; then we are going to have a discussion. Fortunately for him he has been to basic training in the Army and knows how to keep a drill Sergeant, me, happy.
As for the other problems part of them is as you feel a bit of jealousy or maybe envy might be a better word. You have a bad self image. There is nothing wrong with being thin and flat chested. I know a lot of men who like flat chested women' myself among them. My wife was a large A or small B when we married. Childbirth caused her to become a large B or small C all depending on the cut of the bra.
The other issues need to be discussed with her as she is wrong to treat you this way. After all you have been friends for a long time and you are roommates as well. She has no reason to insult you , hurt you or demean you in anyway. It is just possible with her new found freedom she is not truly aware she is doing so. Talk to her and make her aware.
As for your self image problem. Most colleges offer free counseling for students through the psychology department. I would suggest if your school offers this, ask at the student medical center, that you make an appointment. I can tell from your writing that inside you are a beautiful person. So you're skinny and flat chested, big deal. Let your inner beauty come through. Make the best of what you have by dressing appropriately. Get a hairstyle that highlights your face. Get makeup tips from the cosmetologist at the makeup counter at a good department store. Wear a pad bra if you must though I don't think you should or you need one.
If you are really are concerned by being flat chested consult a BOARD CERTIFIED PLASTIC SURGEON. in most states any doctor who did a rotation in Plastics can call him or herself a plastic surgeon. A Board Certified Plastic Surgeon is someone who has done a Fellowship in Plastics and past all the requirements to be certified by the College of Surgeons. If you do elect to enhance your breasts you don't want the telltale circles that would be seen in low cut dress or bathing suits. You want the device placed under the muscle not on top as many are done. My wife had this done after a mastectomy and I cannot tell her real one from the rebuilt one neither can any of her doctors. Thats how good this type of surgery is. It was also about $10K. Something to think about but not a necessity.
]
Well, you are roommates, so you need to talk to her if you are feeling crowded out of the shared space. That is one, real problem you should address now, before it festers.
But your body image issues are an entirely different problem, and you are right: That is mostly on you. She can't help how she looks, and like you, she is young and is going to experiment with sexual attention and guys. It might annoy you, and you are allowed to be annoyed, but that annoyance is yours to handle, not hers. She also has every right to exist, to dress the way she likes, and to be not interested in guys who are paying attention to her.
If she calls you names, ask her not too. If she takes up all the space the fridge, let her know it's not working for you. If she has opinions on your clothes or appearance, smile and let it go or else tell her to shove it.
Don't wait till next semester. Tackle some of the issues right now. The kitchen cabinet for example. There is no reason to procrastinate on that. Even if you two wont remain as close friends as you once were, you can still be respectable roommates.
]
Ok, it sounds like there could be a little bit of jealousy going both ways here, and like most females the passive aggressive approach is famous.
By her cutting down dreams that youve had, shes trying to keep you under control and below her for some reason which says to me jealousy somewhere we just dont know where yet.
You've openly admitted your jealous of some of her attributes which is ok because thats natural. its a "the grass always looks greener somewhere else" type of thing. Im sure you have good things about YOU that she probably doesnt have and wishes she DID.
If shes ditched you on a few occasions that that says "i value other things and other people more than out friendship" to me. So i say, GO make that time if you can to get your permit and become more upwardly mobile. Develop your own life because you two are not attached at the hip and you will one day have to stand on your own just like everyone else weather she is still in your life or not.
Making comments that your body looks this way or that signals she might actually be jealous that you are more thin then she is and she doesnt like that so shes turning your natural thin build into a bad thing. (which TRUST ME it isnt cause when you get older and have kids, youll still look amazing and she probably wont ; ) hehehe)
Try having a talk with her about how you feel when it comes to agreeing to store things where in the house since you deserve to have a say in it too. maybe try a gentle "hey can we talk? i noticed that it seems like theres not much storage space here and there and IM THINKING if we do this or that, it might help leave more open space for this or that" THIS WAY she will be forced to either agree or cut down your idea as a friend and thats not very nice, and see how she reacts. best friends dont usually want to cut down each others suggestions right away.
If she DOES have a bad reaction you are well within your rights to say "ok well it was just a suggestion, we DO BOTH live here so i thought i would help organize" it will make her feel bad/guilty before you approach her come up with a solution FIRST so that your ideas and suggestions dont come off as abrupt and she doesnt feel attacked or like she has to put her defenses up.
good luck sweetie ; )
]
More Questions: |