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coming out
I have come to realize that I'm lesbian. I feel like I need to come out because it feels... Stressful to hide who I am. I don't know how to come out to my family or some if my friends. I don't want to hide this from them. Please, help me?
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Let me start by saying I agree with everything the previous two advisors have written. What bothers me is not the fact that you are a lesbian, there is nothing wrong with being Gay or Lesbian. I am bothered by the way you have written it; "I have come to realize that I'm lesbian." The words "I HAVE COME" make me think this is a recent decision of yours that you are a Lesbian.
My concern is you just do not wake up one morning and decide you are gay. According to the most recent science on this Doctors and Scientist now believe that homosexuality is the way you are born. That it is in the DNA. That long before puberty hits you would know you were different than your friends.
If I knew your age I might be more comfortable with your opening sentence. For it is very natural for both boys and girls just entering puberty to experiment sexually with the same sex. While I do not have any scientific statistical data to back up what I am about to say. It is my guess that nearly 70% or more of those of us who are now adults have at one time or another experimented sexually with our same sex. It is safer to find out about sex and sexuality with someone of your own sex and parents rarely question what goes on behind closed doors with teenagers of the same sex.
If you believe you are a Lesbian because you have recently had a same sex encounter this does not make you a Lesbian. It makes you a normal teenage girl experimenting with her sexuality. The fact that you may have liked it is still normal and may mean you could be leaning toward being Bi.
If you are still in High School I urge you NOT to label yourself as putting any label that is anything other than normal is dangerous to you. If you have known before puberty that you were different then you could be a lesbian. Still given how your friends and other kids at school will react it is much safer for you to stay in the closet and not subject yourself to the hate and bigotry that kids can put on you for something they truly don't understand and something that is really entirely normal for you.
As I said in the beginning there is nothing wrong with being Gay or Lesbian. For those who are it is there normal. It was how they were born. Many people today are learning this, still there are some out there who don't understand and that hate is passed to their children. Until these children learn better teenage Gays and Lesbians are safer keeping this information private. In short I am concerned for your safety if you are a high school student.
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You're quite right that supressing the desire and 'living a lie' (to coin a phrase) is guaranteed to cause great stress and anxiety. Equally, the fear of confessing all is causing you stress and anxiety too, eh? If you are sure this is your true sexual orientation right now then facing up to the fear of confession, taking a deep breath and just saying it is by far the lesser evil and once you've done it you will probably feel a lot less anguish and find it very liberating. Is there a way to soften it? Well maybe. How about saying that right NOW you only have a strong emotional and physical attraction towards girls and you feel tired and stressed about hiding it and it's getting you down? You feel the need to be open and honest about it and to pursue same-sex relationships without concealment and guilt? Go from there. Close friends and family will want you to be happy ultimately. And if that means same-sex relationships then so be it. There may be an initial 'shock' reaction but be firm...you are not asking their PERMISSION TO BE who you are, you just want to be open and honest.
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Think of who your most open minded family member is. Even if there is only one. If not a parent or sibling, how about an aunt or cousin who is not homophobic and actually supportive of that.
You'd want to have this positive person at your side for moral support when bringing up the revelation to the rest of family. Having a supportive person speaking up for you is more likely to keep things from becoming an all out hate fest at the worst. Having someone other than you to call them to account for their beliefs or stances and reminding them that you are still daughter and sister and your sexuality has nothing to do with that. More of the young people are supportive these days. If you hang out as a group, choose your most likely to be supportive friend to tell first and get them to agree to help you present the news to the others.
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