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Housemates making me feel left out
So the other day I moved back in with flatmates while I'm at Uni-into a house.
There are 3 boys and 4 girls (including me-girl).
So the other three girls are really cliquey and I'm feeling very left out. For a start contact over the holidays wasn't much with them-because I'm always too busy to keep up with conversations on messenger.
But they're all turning 21 and I'm the young side of 19. So now for one of their 21sts they've planned to take her to see a musical-I'm not involved...
I am trying to be in the kitchen/lounge all the time but I still feel left out. What can I do to improve this?
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Want to answer more questions in the Relationships category?
Maybe give some free advice about: Friendship?
I remember being the new girl in a quad and I ended up fitting in better once I started putting myself out there more: inviting them to things, planning game nights or movie nights, baking for the house or picking up some neat new treat from the Asian Grocery nearby, sharing crazy online videos, putting up a big message wall (dry erase or chalk or just paper like I did) where everyone can say positive things to each other. They are still my best friends, so those little things made them see that I was interested in being involved, and I think it was a worthwhile risk in my case.
With the one girl's 21st coming up, maybe you can think of some way you can make your own celebration for her with cupcakes or decorations. Worst case scenario it falls flat and you'll find friends elsewhere.
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I can understand why you feel left out, but I suggest seeing them as flatmates and nothing else. You don't owe them your friendship, and it doesn't seem like they are willing to offer you theirs. Aside from standard responsibilities like paying for rent/utilities, keeping noise levels to a respectable level, having a reasonable agreement on guests, cleaning, etc., being a friend and feeling included isn't necessary (though it is nice).
Now see what you can do, without being too eager to be included. Try to be friendly, strike up conversation, ask how they are doing, etc., and maybe if they see how you are, they would want to include you more...or at the very least have a friendly rapport with you in the kitchen/lounge areas. You could also ask if they would like to hang out sometime- maybe go out for dinner, movie, drinks, etc. They might feel like you are distanced from them, and uncomfortable to invite you out because they are unsure you'd even want to join them. From the way things sound, however, maybe they really are cliquey and you'll have to focus on finding your own friends and having your own social life, separate from them. It wouldn't hurt to try reaching out, but it's best not to keep your hopes up, in case they end up not reciprocating.
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I didn't think that people who rented a house together had to become close friends. Friendly as far as moving together in the shared housing, but becoming friends, no. If these girls were all close long time friends of yours and have changed, thats another story. If thats the case, you must realize, you cannot make them change.
A person becomes a friend with someone because they have personalities and other things in common. If you are friendly and smile and compliment them and invite them to accompany you to somewhere you want to go, and they don't respond, at least know you've given it your best.
If it's new friends you're looking for, I suggest you start looking elsewhere on campus, not among roommates. If you are too busy to get on line with them, you're probably too busy for cultivating other new friends. Look at your schedule closely and see if some time can be carved out just for that purpose, of making new friends and spending time with them.
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