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What can I learn from this?
The hardest part about life is going through pain, but pain is often necessary. I question the relationships I have with people. Why I am constantly left disappointed? Well, I think I have found the answer. It is because I have no control over what people do or say to me. I often wish I could change people, maybe if I tell them how they hurt me they would change for the better. In my mind I have expectation of them and they are completely inconsistent to who the person actually is. I constantly look for someone I can depend on but I have attracted unreliable people. I am a reliable and considerate person shouldn't I attract reliable and considerate people? What am I suppose to learn from this?
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Want to answer more questions in the Relationships category?
Maybe give some free advice about: Friendship?
We often have little or no control over events external to ourselves. We cannot influence others except by force (physical or emotional), or with their cooperation and consent. But how YOU react to them is and will always be YOUR choice. Because by the self-same token, they have little or no influence on you. Nobody hurts or humiliates us without our consent then? Nobody drives you mad unless you give them the keys. We can only be let down if we have high expectations. Your expectations are based on what, exactly? Were these high expectations warranted by anything except your own 'wishful thinking'? If so then YOU are trying to project your will onto them...against their will...contrary to their true nature. Which we agree(?) is something we cannot do. So make sure your expectations are built on real premises. Or have no expectation and let them write their own narrative....then evaluate and decide. In an ideal world like would attract like. In reality consideration often attracts users. Reliability often attracts infidelity. So you must be discriminating in who you allow into your confidence and who you allow close. Those who have let you down have simply been consistent to their true nature, and inconsistent with YOUR expectation of them. I can see your wish that letting them know how they have hurt you would improve them. You are crediting them with empathy and compassion they do not posess, I think? Letting them know how much they hurt you will in such cases increase their power and diminish yours. Is their anything to learn? Perhasp that your sphere of true influence contains only yourself. But when all is said and done, that is all it HAS TO contain. How you react....YOUR choice. Always. Re REPLY. OF COURSE YOUR PROBLEM IS SPECIFIC AND UNIQUE. YOU ARE UNIQUE! ELABORATE AWAY BY INBOXING ME IF YOU THINK I MIGHT SHED SOME LIGHT. X
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You are right about the fact that you have no power or control over people to influence or change what they do or say in any situation to any person including you, but its not just you. What we are talking about is the 'free will' that our creator gave all of us, that means we have a choice to seek Him or not, He will not force us in that. And there is no such thing as selective free will where you get control in certain things but in others God or people can make you change. Nope, we all do not change because of external influences. They can only give us an example to see something we want to be like and then internally when we want to change, we will, until then no change.
When you say you look for someone to depend on, I need to make sure you do not mean someone to lean on, someone to make you whole. If a person feels weak or incapable of handling things in life and is looking for someone to take care of them...that will not work. What does work is when two perfectly whole capable people come together and do not need to lean on each other, then the marriage is balanced cus one or both are not constantly trying to seek or find something in the other that they themselves lack.
It may be more likely that you are saying that you are looking for someone who isn't all over the place as far as the convictions, views morals and beliefs they say they have. You are looking for someone who is consistant and not changing what they believe every day to suit their mood or ulterior motives. I have a 2nd husband whom i have total trust in because he has proven himself to be totally consistant in who he is at core, it never wavers. So of course he is reliable and considerate. MY first husband was not like that. So if the people we are choosing for friends or partners always end up the wrong choice, then it only makes sense that you lack ability to discern or sense or spot certain traits in a new person that you didnt like in the last person. You may not catch it at first, but people cant fool you for long because it takes great energy to keep up a false identity. Usually by the third time meeting you should be able to spot an unwanted characteristic in a person and then must never get back together with them. There are lots of self help books for learning how to deal with different personality types, study of personalitys, study on do s and donts of dating, how to spot destructive things in relationships. If you put search es in youtube lets say with a short phrase like destructive behavior in relationships, you should get a lot of hits with articles to read and video to watch. Study and research on this topic is very helpful. Was for me. I find the study of people and relationships very interesting and am always open to learn more.
I have no idea where you are meeting the majority of these people so perhaps you are looking for them in the wrong fishing hole so to speak. I'd like to be able to offer some real helpful suggestions but without some examples of what is actually happening where you say they were unreliable or where you meet people, or an example of friends and also boyfriends that leave you disappointed. otherwise I literally have no clue what is going on and if there is anything you can do to improve your situation. I'll be waiting to hear back from you.
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Maybe that you have to learn to rely on yourself before others?
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