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humorist-workshop
Advice about my sister and her boyfriend please.
My sister and her boyfriend lost their 3th apartment b/c of poor money management skills. She has the money to pay the bills but doesn't. She and her boyfriend are big spenders. She likes to buy random things while he uses her money for video games and huge flat screen TVs. My sister works full time while her boyfriend is a stay at home dad. My sister has two kids. One from a previous relationship and the youngest one is his.
Her boyfriend's family took them in at first but they got kicked out. From his dad's house and from his older sister's house. My sister said it's b/c they were charging her rent and for babysitting and constantly yelling at her boyfriend to get a job. She said he can't get a job b/c his driver license is suspended and no one can watch the kids.
One day, I went to a dentist and came back home with my mom, suddenly they are at our house with their stuff. She said they are going to stay with us for free for a few months to save money and find their own place.
Since they have moved in without notice, I notice a few things:
The boyfriend doesn't watch the kids, although she claims he does. They make my older niece, 8, take care of her sister, 2. When the 2 year old cries they ignore it. If she doesn't stop they make the 8 year old hold her. The 8 yr. old admits to me that she dislikes her sister and wants to get away from her.
After my sister goes to work, he keeps finding excuse to leave the house to go somewhere in her car, she leaves him her car and carpools to work with my mom, and don't come back for hours. We live a few blocks from a police station and he's driving without a license. He's going to get arrested again. I have been babysitting the kids since they got there. When he comes back he plays video games all day. He doesn't even stop to feed the kids lunch or dinner. I make it for them.
We have a hallway bathroom but he uses the one in my bedroom. It's making my mom feel uncomfortable. He's walking in and out of my bedroom without asking or like it even matters. She watches the news a lot and is paranoid that he's going to hurt me or worse. She wants me to lock my door at all the times now.
I am starting college part time next month and going to work full time. I'm worried about what's going to happen to the kids when I'm not there. Like who is going to feed them and watch them? I told my sister about her boyfriend being irresponsible and my concern over the kids but she always makes excuse for him and brushes it off. I know it's their business and I don't want to get involve. I'm only worried about the kids.
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This is a case of relatives abuse of you by assuming you will step in and do the things they don't cus they are lazy, bad at money management and what ever other issues they may have.
However, because there are children involved, I am another in agreement for calling CPS Child protective services. The welfare of those kids is important. Your sis and her boyfriend are not only not providing and seeing to the very basics of care for the kids but foisting it off on you and mom. You and mom never agreed to do so but simply did it cus they weren't. In fact they or not providing the roof over the kids heads, not feeding the kids which are some of basic needs, another is clothing a child. Children also need attention, love and nurturing which they are not getting from their parents. I know its hard to call in for help when it involves blood relations, but sis knows that and is using that angle to take advantage of you guys by forcing their way into your home and life without any concern of how it will affect you. I'd say they both need to see psychologists cus there is something deeper going on inside them that mismanagement of money is not the original cause of. If the two of you say nothing to officials, you enable them to remain stuck in this rut in life. Their issues are not going to come to light unless you guys report this to authorities now. And this has to be done now...today.
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GiddyGeezer is correct; child protective services (CPS) is going to have to be called. You do not have to wait for you mother to call, you can call and you should. First and foremost are the proper care of those children. Like all children they did not ask to be brought into this world. Your sister and her boyfriend(s) brought them into this world. They are responsible for them and they should be their first priority. Not out buying random things and video games or having others be responsible for them. Is your sister getting child support for the first child for its father? If not make sure to tell CPS as the father is required in almost every state to pay child support.
As for her boyfriend driving. His license was suspended for good reason I'm sure, he should not be on the road. If he were to be in an accident and it is found that your sister voluntarily left her car for him to use; she would be wholly responsible for all cost involved as the insurance company would not pay. I suggest you advise the local police station and let them arrest him for driving without a license. Let it be a lesson to him and a wake up call to his responsibilities to himself and others.
As to your sisters money management skills. Some people just cannot manage money. Money literally burns a hole in their pocket. You could offer to manage her finances for her. She would need to have her paycheck directly deposited into a checking account you and only you control or bring her check to you un-cashed each payday. You would give her a weekly cash allowance. She could not have any credit cards or even the Debit Card that comes with the checking account.
You would pay all her bills and her rent. Part of her allowance would be for groceries. You could speak with the children's doctors where if she needs to have them see the doctor you could arrange for the doctor to directly debit the account for any co-pay.
Once you explain the reason I believe the doctors office or billing office would make this arrangement with you. You could do the same with her doctors. This would not be new to some doctors as there are patients whose finances are handled by conservators. For the pharmacy copay they would probably have to call you to get the Debit card number unless you were willing to allow them to keep it on file.
This looks like a huge burden on you. It is and it isn't. Once you know what her bills are the monthly revolving bills can be paid on line from the bank's online bill payment system. You set up each payee with how much and when you want the bill paid and the bank either sends a check or makes a wire transfer. For the other bills you can still use the bank to make payment but you will have to set them up individually and enter the amounts each time you have a bill from one of them. This is how I pay most of my bills.
I have my checking account linked to my savings account just incase I make a mistake and do not put enough funds in the checking account to cover outgoing payments or my use of the debit card. In this way I never overdraw the account.
Since starting this decades ago I rarely write a check and the post office is not getting rich over the half dozen items I mail a year.
This is the type of help you offer your sister. You do not offer free rent as this is an enabling benefit she does not need. I would also suggest that she take parenting classes, something I believe CPS is going to insist upon.
As the saying goes advice is easy to give. Getting someone to follow advice is something like getting a horse to the water, you may not be able to get it to drink. Still you must try and in this case if only for the benefit of the children.
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Unfortunately your mom allowed this situation to happen and she is going to have to be the one to stop it!She needs to give them a deadline to move out and stick to it. Whether they are still with you or on their own, child protective services needs to get involved. It doesn't sound like the children are being cared for properly. An 8 year old is FAR too young to care for a 2 year old! I know your mom is trying to help but what she is doing is enabling them to continue their immature and irresponsible lifestyle. They need a dose of reality and they need it now! As far as the boyfriend walking into your bedroom tell him it is off limits as of right NOW! Tell him he is NOT welcome to use your bathroom and it is very inappropriate to walk into your bedroom. You MUST get your mom to back you up on this! She must tell him if he does it again he will be asked to leave her home immediately and the police will escort him out if necessary!It sounds like there is a certain element of fear where this guy is concerned (perhaps coming from all the females in your house.) I don't like the sounds of what you are describing. Your mom really needs to take action to remove this guy immediately. A judge will grant a restraining order if necessary.Your mother has to let him know she means business!She should tell your sister she and the children can stay a little longer if need be but the boyfriend will have to live elsewhere in the meantime. If your sister gets mad so be it. The children are the important ones in this scenario. Whatever you do don't try to confront him alone or without the support of your mother. If he gets physically or mentally abusive to anyone in the household do not hesitate to call the police. You really need to impress upon mom that she HAS to get him out of the house! Good luck!
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