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Frustrated over my boyfriends lack of opinion about our relationship
So... my boyfriend and I (I'm a 21 year old female in Australia) have been together for 13months(which isn't really that long) but I have known him all through highschool etc. and he is actually my older brothers best-friend. In fact my brother was the one who found out he liked me and encouraged us to get together (weirdly my brother was dating my now boyfriends sister at the time just to make things more random. They've since broken up and my brother is now dating a close friend of ours from highschool and we all hang out together.We are all in our 20's)
Problems started around our 1 year anniversary with the relationship were I basically had our first fight (and by I, I mean that. Just me. I got really upset because he rejected me sexually ON PURPOSE and he told me I was being irrational for getting upset.) and after a few days apart we slept together and things went back to normal.
For the past three weeks we have been on a break. One which I instigated as I've been focusing a lot on my health lately, quit smoking started sports etc. All of which my bf is "supportive" though I get the feeling he is sick and tired of hearing me talk about it. Hence I withdrew and stopped talking about it. He recently quit his job and is figuring out what he wants to do with himself.
So I figured a mutual break would do us both some good.
We have still been talking. But everytime we broach on the subject of our relationship things get awkward. Also the last few weeks before our break, sex had become awkward. I have always been a very confident sexual person whilst my partner wasn't. Though we managed to get past this early in the relationship its becoming a problem again. and sometimes mid-way through sex we both just stop and cant get into it again.I haven't enjoyed sex with him since before our anniversary and have become less confident in the bedroom because of this.
My bf is a very steady person. who enjoys his routine and doesn't cope well with change. Whilst I am a strong opposite constantly seeking out new experiences and challenging myself. My partner often says he would like to join me if/when I travel but he never makes plans for these things and I have never seen him take any initiative. Lately I have been trying to get his opinion about us as a couple and what he sees of our relationship in future. Its not so much that I'm planning to get married and have babies(actually I'd rather be travelling) but I want to share my experiences and journey with someone. Thing is that I want to take his opinions and goals into account because I want to support his growth as much as my own. I consistently get the feeling that I'm being needy and nagging him. I don't know if I am demanding too much from the relationship or he is just being square. For instance if I ask him what he thinks about us in a relationship hes says "I don't know. I mean I want to stay a couple.But yer" But it feels like I am just part of his routine now. As I said my self-confidence is starting to drop because I feel he just doesn't care.
I'm the main person responsible for decisions in our relationship, though I've always tried to keep it 50/50 and give him chance to make the choices.
A lot of our early relationship was me needing his help as I moved into the city for a new job and we actually broke up for a few weeks, as I thought it would be to difficult to manage and he was the one who argued we should continue it so I said we could try. It worked out and I have since moved back home and am about to start uni.
I was kind of hoping maybe he might instigate some changes in our relationship but he hasn't. I have tried 'being there for him' when I moved back but I just feel motherly (he's the type of guy who'll let you make him lunch, dinner and do his laundry etc. even help out with paying his phone bill because he doesn't know how) and like I am being overbearing. So I stopped and started focusing on myself and things have progressed to this stage.
I have no idea how I should be approaching this situation and I'm starting to feel like our relationships already over.
I would really like someone elses opinion about this. Should I confront him again? Am I doing the right thing giving him some space? Has anyone been in a similar situation with a partner and it did/didn't work out?
Your honesty is welcome guys.
Thanks.
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You like to travel o my God me too. I want the same thing you are looking for. I want someone i can travel with and explore the world with. I feel you should talk to him again one last time and see what happens and if nothing changes then you need to let that go. It's not good to be in a relationship just because you are used to it. You need to branch out and widen your horizon. Go to college and see what's out there and whose out there. Trust me when i say that when you go away to college you will find so much more than what you thought you was looking for. You will find someone who wants to be with you just as equally you do with him. You need to have someone whose in the relationship with you and will treat you with respect and like a queen. It seems he just wants you around so you can mother him back to health and fortune. Which is fine but if he don't help you then that's where the problem needs to end. U have to ask yourself are you worth way more.? And that answer better be yes. Im sure you are worth way more than that. He needs to be on his own and learn to get up and do for himself. Letting others do for him wont get him nowhere. Go to school travel the world and trust you will find someone either at school or from traveling and this will become nothing but a distant memory.
I hoped i helped. E-mail me if you have any other questions. :) God Bless
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I hate to be the bearer of bad news but yes, it is over. He isn't showing any signs of not wanting to lose you, or putting any effort into the relationship to make sure that he doesn't. The fact that things got weird with your sex life all of a sudden sends up some red flags as well. I am guessing the only reason he is still keeping you around is to do his laundry and whatever else might need fixin'! You sound like a smart young woman and you have made a lot of positive changes in your life already. I don't believe this is the right guy for you. I think there is someone out there who will appreciate you for who you are and not just what you are willing to do FOR him. If you stay in this relationship you will never need to have children because you will already have one! Good luck!
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