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My mom is in an abusive relationship. I don't know how to help her.
My mom and dad divorced 2 years ago and she has been in a relationship with this guy for 10 months. He was always kind of off but I never thought he would actually hurt my mom. He has bipolar depression, drinks a lot, and does drugs. My mom is an alcoholic and when she drinks, he beats her. These 2 people lived with them and they told me about what he does. He would drag her by her hair across the floor, he would throw bottles of liquor at her, he also smacks, kicks, punches, and grabs her. She would stay the night at his house over the weekends and her room had no bed, she would have to sleep on the floor like a dog. Everytime she would try to sleep, he would bang on her door until she finally let him in and then he'd hit her. She has pictures of the bruises and cuts.
He is also verbally abusive and calls her names like bitch, fat, ugly, whore, and c*nt. He uses her for her money and once she gives him what he wants he kicks her out of the house and calls her multiple names.
She is "too in love" to tell the police. She is afraid he will hate her.
My dad, siblings, the 2 people who live with them, and I went to the police to report it and they said nothing can be done unless she files a report. We are trying to help her with her drinking and she won't let us do that and just says to take her back to him. She also says she deserves to be smacked. I really have no clue what to do. I really need help. I don't like seeing my mom like this.
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You need to talk to somebody. Talk to the police chief, he can give you afvice on what to do, also get other people invilved, because thats your mom, call a hotline for domestic violence, and convince your mother to file a police report, because if she dont this jerk will continue to hurt her and it coukd result into tragedy.
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Your mom is sick. She has a disease called alcoholism. Unfortunately she has to WANT help in order to get better. Check your local newspaper for the closest Al-Anon meeting. The people there are going through the same thing you are. When you are alone with your mom ask her if she would consider going into an rehab facility or to an AA meeting. There are also agencies that help battered women in the event that she would decide to get away from him. Perhaps you could contact some of these agencies and get some information for her so that she knows the emergency numbers and who to call if she is ever in danger. Ask her if she is willing to see a therapist. She feels totally worthless right now and a good therapist will not only address the addiction issues but will help her rebuild her self esteem as well. Make sure she knows that she is loved and that she is important to you and your siblings. If you really feel that she can no longer make rational decisions and she is a danger to herself or others you have the option to have her involuntarily committed to a psychiatric ward for 72 hours for observation. However if you make this choice you do risk alienating her completely. This would be a decision best made with all family members in agreement. You could also stage an intervention, where ALL family members come together and encourage her to get help for her addiction. Sometimes this works, sometimes it backfires badly. You are the best judge of your mother's personality and whether or not this might be an option. If you choose to try this you have to take her away from this man to a place where all of the family members are gathered. There is usually a neutral third party such as a minister or advocate from an agency present as well. In the event she agrees she must be taken IMMEDIATELY to a facility or hospital for help. If she is allowed to go home for any reason he will make sure that she doesn't follow through.I hope she will get a moment of clarity and realize that she really needs help. At any rate please go to the Al-Anon meetings, they can better help you decide how you want to approach her. Even if she totally refuses all help Al-Anon can help YOU to understand how to deal with the situation. Best of luck to you and your mother!
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Unfortunately, there is not much that you can do to get her to press charges or stop seeing this man. Her choices are her choices. One thing that you could do is talk to her about establishing healthy boundaries. Tell her that even if she wants to stay with this man, she should consider staying with some relatives for awhile. This might give her the space she needs to think more clearly. Even if she sees him during the day, if she went home to a safe space at night she would have time to herself to think. Dating an abusive man is terrible, but living with an abusive man is even worse. Try to encourage her to stay with relatives who are more stable. Another thing you could talk to her about is the money that she is giving this man. Tell her that she earned that money herself and that she should not give it away to someone. Tell her that she deserves that money and that she should spend it on herself. If she disagrees with these ideas because she is in love with him, tell her that love is not the same thing as respect. She may love him and he may share those feelings for her. But, if he doesn't also show her respect the relationship is unhealthy.
Also, tell her she deserves some "me time". Tell her to go shopping to spend some of her money on herself, or to spend a day at the spa. Time to yourself can work wonders! When a person loves themselves, they start demanding respect from others.
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