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Staying the night at his place-how to get mum to agree
18/f
I want to stay the night this weekend at my boyfriends house.
My boyfriend has commented recently that I never go to his place (20 mins by train) but he always makes the effort to come to mine.
We've never stayed over at each others homes before. We've been dating for 7 months.
My mum is pretty strict. Whenever I even suggest that my boyfriend wants me to come to his house just for the day, she'll say "Well I'd prefer it if she came here for the day"
But I can't allow this anymore because it's making my boyfriend upset and his family think I don't like them.
How do I encourage my mum to let me stay over at his house? I mean his parents will be there, I'll bring a sleeping bag, I know I'll be safe but she is highly overprotective!
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You know you're an adult and could do it if you truly wanted. The reasons you gave for wanting to sleep over were that your boyfriend is upset and his family thinks you don't like them (which honestly sounds questionable, because I can't imagine parents who would say, "I'm offended because my son's teenage girlfriend isn't sleeping over yet." I really don't believe they feel that way.) And on the other hand, you're using your mom as an excuse to turn down an invitation, which is fine. But aside from what your boyfriend wants, what his parents think, and what your mom says, get really clear about what YOU really want.
Your mom cares about you and has been around longer than you have, so it might be wise to talk with her about what's worrying her. It is likely sex. Even though you're an adult, it takes a lot of growing up through adulthood to really know what you want in a sexual encounter and, more importantly, to be able to express your preferences to someone you really like & love when they don't match perfectly. I'm really glad my mom talked to me about how to take the time to check in on what my body & soul felt before getting pushed too far, to know whether I was doing things for me or to please someone else, and to say no to things I didn't want without being afraid of making the other person feel rejected or being worried I would lose my crush's affection.
I completely understand wanting to get your mom's approval, because she wants what's best for you and you want her to trust you. But to show her that you can be ready to take care of your happiness in a vulnerable situation, you need to be in tune with your inner voice, be brave enough to speak up to her about what you do and don't want, and not require any one else's approval for your adult choices.
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The fact is that legally you are an adult when you turn 18 in the eyes of the law and your parents no longer have any say over anything in your life. That is the legal stand point of the situation. The reality is that most all parents have a house rule that goes something like this: "If you live in my house you live by my rules." This rule trumps the law for this rule says; you want to live here, drive our car, have money for school so on and so forth then we as parents still have the right to have a say in what you do and how you do it. This rule literally puts you between a rock and hard place.
In reality this is the time when parents have to back off an let you live your life with guidance form them. Guidance meaning we inform you if we do not agree with what you want to do and explain why. It does not mean we forbid or threaten you in any way. In order to learn we need to make mistakes this is how we learn the best. Hopefully the mistakes are little ones that we as parents can help you correct.
What your parents are worried about, even if his parents are going to be there is SEX. What happens when his parents go to sleep. Here again legally you are entitled to a sex life, you’re an adult no and entitled to all the privileges of an adult which include a sex life. This being said the House rule comes into play here for the parents to try and blunt you having any sex life until they feel you are old enough or married.
What you have to do are what all teenagers who turn 18 need to do. You need to remind your parents that you are an adult now. That you love them and you respect them and you want to continue to respect them but you need the space that your age entitles you too. Yes you will make mistakes and yes they will always know where you are going and what your intentions are. Yes you will listen and consider any advice they wish to offer but you have to start making your own way in the world otherwise how will you ever be able to make your way in the work and have a family of your own.
I'm not sure who told my son to have this talk with me but he did. It was the mature thing to do. He also had other things he was doing that I had no control over such as enlisting in the Army Reserve so he had something to add at the end I could not argue with. The fact was that he approached me with a mature reasoning for why I had to let go.
Fact is we as parents don’t ever want to let go of our children. For fathers and daughters it is the hardest thing to do. For no matter how old you get no matter when you have your own family in dads eye you will always be his little girl that is just the way life is.
To cut moms apron strings takes showing her that you are a mature person. This starts with having an adult conversation with her. Put what I've said in your own words and if you are going away to college in the fall add the fact that you are to the conversation about going to your boyfriend. She needs to learn to trust you for she will not be at school to watch over everything you do there. She has taught you well and now is the time for her to let you prove that.
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I would explain the situation to your boyfriend and his parents about it being an issue with your mom and her thinking that you'll use it as an excuse to do something you shouldn't.
Have them speak to your mother about this visit being supervised and nothing more than you visiting his house like he would yours. However, his house is farther away making sleeping there necessary.
Your mom is concerned you're going there to lets be honest about it sleep with him. As long as you and everyone else can make her sure this won't happen maybe she will change her stance.
Then again, at 18-years-old you are legally an adult and can make your own decisions by law that your mother may or may not agree with. At 18 it's time for her to realize you are a grown woman and can be trusted to do the right thing in all situations.
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Depending on where you live, you may already be of legal adult age and the age of consent (if you were wanting to become sexually active) In most places in the USA it is 18, a few states earlier, in the UK most places are at 16. Its 18 in Australia too. If you are truly 18, then you are old enough to make your own decisions.
This is one of those situations thats hard to go through, especially if you really love mum and have a terrific relationship with her. You don't want to risk hurting or angering her and causing trouble to your relationship.
If you are living with mum, I can understand that parents of adult children can still demand that their house rules are obeyed as long as you live there...but thats "House" rules..whatever takes place under their roof. So she can say she doesnt want your boyfriend to come visit.
However, when she tells you that you may not go stay with him and his family for a visit, that is crossing the line. She may or may not realize she's doing this, trying to continue the raising/training mother role but it is time for her to switch roles to becoming more of your 'sounding board' than mummy with rules and restrictions for you.
You are right that you can't allow her to give you orders anymore. So you need to have a talk with mom. State that you are an adult, albeit a young one but still, you need to experience making your own decisions from now on. If you want any of her input, you will ask her for it. If you do not ask, it means, you do not want it. You still love her, cus she is mom. However this is about more than just the issue of you wanting to go visit the boyfriend, which you are going to do, this is about taking over the running of your own life. You will obey and house rules while living under her roof. But the authority to enforce any rules ends at the edge of her property. Anything where else you go, anyone you w ant to visit, any classes you take or any direction you decide to go, are all your choices from now on.
Moms have difficulty with this transition more so if they have poured their entire life into their children and have no life of their own..thats not your fault. Also, first child to become an adult or independant or leave home has the hardest time of it. I was the oldest and it was harder for the parents to both let me leave than with siblings.
So don't be surprised if mum takes it really hard, gets angry or makes ultimatums in order to try to retain control. Once parents recover from being faced with having to go to this transition, in the end, they love you no matter what and will come around. Mine did, all my friends parents did.
So go visit the boyfriend and his parents and enjoy yourself dear.
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