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the sex toy talk
My husband is a bit old fashion and doesnt feel we need anything in the bedroom thats new, and we barely ever have sex yet he insists hes happy. Well im pretty UNHAPPY, and want either more sex, or be allowed to use toys if i feel. He does not agree with ANY kind of toys.
I recently discovered the newer toy called the sybian, its uses nothing but vibration. I know that they retail for about 1400 bucks but i found a way to make my own for a fraction of the price! the only problem is i cant tell my husband....
my question is, is it better to own a toy like this and never tell him (risking him discovering it because they arent that easy to hide if your place isnt that large) ORRRR tell him, make the thing anyway, and risk him feeling sad, and or calling me a sex addict because i want it more then he does??
how do i have this talk with him and what can i do to turn him onto toys or at least be OK with them?
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Tell him. Tell him, to sit his butt down, and to watch you enjoy using it. Tell him, to use it on you. Part of being married, is being intimate. And in biblical reading, if a partner or husband/wife wants it, the partner must submit. Now, we've come a long way from that, and that's great! Now, you are your own person...just because you're married. My fiancé wasn't sure about it...then I showed it to him and did it in front of him...it gets him all kinds of hot and bothered.
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It's a tough problem because sexuality is so personal that anything but glowing praise feels like an attack on the person's core worth. I think keep to positive "I like" and "it turns me on when" statements when communicating about sex whenever possible. You're the more motivated party, so you'd do well to be available at whenever the opportunity arises. Go to the bedroom exactly when he does and then come back out to work on the computer when you're done, that may help a bit.
Sex is also a very good health barometer, and we all (him included) are aware his weight isn't the healthiest, and it sounds like it makes him feel really self-conscious. The hard thing is getting him to change his behavior. Coming from you, his wife, it'll sound like criticism even when it's just concern. Coming from a buddy might be less offensive, but it's not as though lack of awareness is the issue, informing him won't make him change his habits. He's not likely to change his diet and activity on his own, either. There are little things you can do, though. Try new, healthier recipes, don't buy junk food or soda from the grocery store, find small, active things you can do together: go on walks, take ballroom dancing together, bicycle. Once he starts doing physical activity, he won't have to overcome all the inertia he feels now. He had athletic habits once, if he remembers how great it feels to be active, those old positive habits may start to kick in. I also think it's great to just lie naked together spoonwise without needing orgasm--look up karezza lovemaking!
It may not be so bad to use the toy in front of him, either. There's a chance having him watch could be a turn on for him, I think most husbands like to see their wives having a good time. If he's truly very old fashioned maybe he'd be offended by the idea, but it sounds mostly like he's just not feeling sexy and the fact you "need more" than him is a blow to an already down self-image. I put that in quotes because a vibrator is simply capable of a level of stimulation a human cannot provide, but it also doesn't provide human warmth or closeness; they're not comparable and it's just not a threat. In fact, it makes a great compliment to couple playtime.
When you take marriage vows, you're pledging to be sexually intimate only with each other. That privilege comes with a corresponding duty to make sure you're each getting the attention you need. Your "love language" sounds very physical and the fact you're only wanting to play on your own is a good sign of how little extra you need--many people would be tempted to get flirty attention from others when they're not having as much sex as you prefer. I think it's clear you're not a sex addict, otherwise you'd be having sex with other people by now. When he labels you that, he's treating you like there's something wrong with you because your desires aren't equal to his, and it's not fair to negate your feelings like that. No two people will have the exact same desires at all times, so self-stimulation is a great compromise. A few people think of masturbation as cheating; I think it's only a problem when the self-pleaser is replacing it with opportunities to make love with his/her partner and neglecting the relationship in favor of solo fantasies. It doesn't sound like that's the case here. Be open with him about what you're going to do and let him know he's welcome to join in at any time.
I hope you have a blog post about how to make this wonder vibe, too. Sounds like a fun project!
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I wish I knew if your hubby was always lukewarm in the bedroom or if this is a recent development. When it comes to sex, it is crucial that you both be on the same page. This is where intimacy and communication are vitally important. Sex toys can be a wonderful way to add some spice to your sex life but BOTH partners have to be willing. You need to find out what REALLY turns him on. Get him to tell you about his favorite sexual fantasies. Ask him if he likes to look at porn and what kind. Maybe you could watch some movies together. He may be into dress up or role playing, whatever he tells you be willing to try it! A lot of men feel inadequate if their partner asks to use sex toys, and there is nothing that kills joy in the bedroom faster than a man who feels inadequate! Tell him how much HE turns you on. You might think this sounds ridiculous but he probably feels like he is in competition with your vibrator! He knows you love how it makes you feel(obviously, or you wouldn't use it)and he probably thinks you prefer it to him! I think he really needs a big shot of self esteem right now. If he is an old fashioned kind of guy then the vibrator thing probably has him feeling emasculated. Give him carte blanche,let him call the shots. Tell him it is his turn to show you how HE wants it. He may be the shy kind and you might have to experiment to find out what trips his trigger but once you find his sweet spot the payoff will be worth it! If he starts to find sex a lot more enjoyable then chances are he will want to do it a lot more often! Once you get your sex life spicy hot again and he feels confident in his masculinity he may be willing to experiment with some toys but I wouldn't count on it. If your hubby has no underlying medical condition and he is indeed just not interested in sex then at least you gave it your best shot! Some people may not agree with what I am about to say but I think if a woman chooses to use a vibrator because her sex life isn't fulfilling that is her private business and she is under no obligation to tell her husband. My advice however,is to get rid of the vibrator for now and try to steam things up with your guy!
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Thanks for the reply geezer, and i will try to do what i did for adviceman and clear things up more so you can get the best picture here.
"I wish I knew if your hubby was always lukewarm in the bedroom or if this is a recent development. When it comes to sex, it is crucial that you both be on the same page. This is where intimacy and communication are vitally important. Sex toys can be a wonderful way to add some spice to your sex life but BOTH partners have to be willing."
Well obviously we had sex way more in the beginning and the about two to three times a week as the years went on, and then about twice a MONTH if we both wernt exhausted from him working and me taking care of our child all day after our son was born. He has always been great in bed, but then again i have no comparison, he was my first and i was his first love. He always (usually) can satisfy me in bed and is a considerate lover, making sure i finish first before he does (whatever it takes) so its not a matter of not being good quality sex cause it IS everytime. it just doesnt happen ENOUGH, and now that im older for some reason im feeling the urge more even when hes asleep in the middle of the night! so im well aware that i have a higher sex drive then him. lol. ive explained to him that thats OK and that i should have a sex drive because i have to keep on wanting babies right?? lol and he seems to understand that so far.
"You need to find out what REALLY turns him on. Get him to tell you about his favorite sexual fantasies."
Ok, ive tried asking him this before and he just clams up and really doesnt want to share with me. he just says that i "turn him on" and that thats "all he needs" but wont elaborate on anything further then that. The frustrating part here is that i hate married friends whos husbands tell them what they like! such and nothing but high heels on etc. but i cant get him to tell me anything which is surprising cause you would think after being together this long, we would be over the shy thing by now, but NOPE. i guess im wrong on that one.
"Ask him if he likes to look at porn and what kind. Maybe you could watch some movies together."
tried that, he doesnt like that watch porn, he says he did that as a younger man and it doesnt turn him on anymore.
"He may be into dress up or role playing, whatever he tells you be willing to try it!"
Tried that before too, i actually used to be a model and used to be high fashion and costumed shoots. lol. i still own alot of the stuff i shot because i bought it myself, so he knows i have it. He just says his usual low toned "nooOOoo" when i suggest that.
"A lot of men feel inadequate if their partner asks to use sex toys, and there is nothing that kills joy in the bedroom faster than a man who feels inadequate!
I knew this could be a barrier and i actually do talk to him and touch him and kiss him all the time, and tell him things, and he just smiles and says his low toned "yesss i know" or "me too" with a kiss.
"If he is an old fashioned kind of guy then the vibrator thing probably has him feeling emasculated. Give him carte blanche,let him call the shots. Tell him it is his turn to show you how HE wants it. He may be the shy kind and you might have to experiment to find out what trips his trigger but once you find his sweet spot the payoff will be worth it!"
I knew that him feeling like competition could be an issue and i told him theres nothing better then him already, so he knows thats not an issue. Hes the type that if i explain things to him logically he will usually go with it and try to be understanding. Thats why in my building a sybian i told him that he could control the gauge on it and it would strictly a "warm up" toy, not a "instead of you" toy. (I was actually hoping to get his help on building it, i thought of it as a fun summer project and something we could do together)
The other thing is that "finding his trigger" has been REALLY difficult! ive been trying to YEARS to figure out what REALLYYYYY will get him going and nothing seems to work! i thought i got close once with some scented lip gloss i bought and put on right before bed cause that SORTA drove him wild but other then that i really havnt been able to come up with much and idk what else to try!
"Some people may not agree with what I am about to say but I think if a woman chooses to use a vibrator because her sex life isn't fulfilling that is her private business and she is under no obligation to tell her husband. My advice however,is to get rid of the vibrator for now and try to steam things up with your guy"
I DO agree with you totally on this, and i do currently already own a toy but had to have a friend use cash to get it for me because he pays our cc bills and would see the transaction and obviously ask me about it lol. but thank you.
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As a registered user I can see that you are or where 18 when you registered. I can't tell how long you have been a user of this site so I am left to wonder how old you are today and how old your husband is.
As to your husband not wanting anything new in the bedroom; well to that you can say to each his own. What does bother me a bit is his lack of desire. If this is a big change from when you were dating or is a sudden change then there may be another cause for it. (I will answer your actual question at the end of my thoughts concerning your husband.)
Here again I am at a loss as to a specific reason due to lack of information so I can only give you the most common reasons and they do not include and neither do I believe he is cheating on you. Lack of sexual desire in a you man can indicate a serious medical problem or could be religious training. If it were religious training I believe you would have known this prior to marrying him.
This leave medical problem(s) as a potential cause. The biggest cause is stress; this can be work related or from other problems. Stress causes depression. Depression causes stress it is a cycle that needs to be broken in order to recover from the actual problem. Then there could be a more organic problem such as Low-T or other hormonal problem/ There are other problems such as problems with the prostate but if he is your same age this should not be a problem.
My first and best advice to you before you do anything, especially anything behind your husbands back, is talk to him. Find out if something is bothering him, possibly at work.
Are you on birth control or have you stopped taking birth control. He may be concerned about becoming a father. I know I was scared out of my whit's when I learned I was to be a father, I had no idea how to be one. Women are a lot better prepared than men are for parenthood. He could be thinking about this.
If he says nothing is wrong ask him to see his doctor for a complete physical. Tell him you will make the appointment for him. When you do tell the person making the appointment that your husband has a low sex drive and you would like the doctor to examine him for a possible organic reason such as low-T or possible stress related depression.
IF your husband has not had a physical in the past year he is past due for one anyway. If you haven't had one in the past year either then tell your husband you both need to get them and you'll make appointments for both of you.
If everything checks out both physically and mentally for both of you; then you and your husband need to have a serious talk about your marriage in general and your sex life.
At your age we are supposed to be horny; it does not mean you're a sex addict. This is the time in our lives when we are best able to reproduce and bring new life into this world. Being horny aids in making this happen. We need that sexual relief either through normal sexual relations with our partners or through masturbation.
You might be surprised to learn that over 85% of us masturbate. This includes people with healthy marital sexual relations. While you are not a sex addict; you are for a moment the person in the marriage with a higher sex drive and you need relief. If your husband can't or is unwilling to provide that relief then masturbation is the only other alternative short of finding another partner to supply that relief something I'm sure you don't want and your husband would not want either.
My answer then to our question is. That you tell your husband about the vibrator and your need to masturbate at least until he has seen his doctor to see if there is a medical reason for his low sex drive. You do this while you're having the conversation with him I mentioned above.
The best way to ruin a marriage is to start hiding things from each other. Marriages survive when the couple are able to talk to each other and work together to sort out any problems. Hiding things from each other just causes problems that you can't work together to resolve and next thing you know you're at each others throats across a table with lawyers trying to dissolve your marriage.
So talk to him. Tell him your worried about him and get him to see his doctor.
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