|
I'm Iin a hard situation
I'm 17/f and about to graduate from high school. Although my culture does not allow dating, my bf and I have been dating secretly for 2 years. My family wants me to finish college before getting into relationships. About 5 months ago, my older brother and sister found out that I was dating and they were upset about it and told me to break up with him. If my parents found out, they would be extremely upset. Anyways, I didn't break up with him but I told them we did. I love my family and my boyfriend. My boyfriend is a huge part of me now and I need him in my life but my family would probably never accept him before I'm done with college. What should I do?
Please note that I'm from a different country and my culture is very different from America. In my culture your family choose when you can start dating. If I choose to stay with my boyfriend and go against my family's wishes, I'll have to face consequences.
[ ]
Want to answer more questions in the Relationships category?
Maybe give some free advice about: Love Life?
This is tough. If I were you I would keep seeing him anyway, because love is always the answer.
But, I understand that it is risky. It is up to you whether you think that the risk is worth it or not. Maybe it is, because you love him. Or maybe you love him, but you want to put your safety first.
Take time to make this decision. Take a bubble bath and decide. I do some of my best thinking in the tub.
Toodles,
Miss Piggy
]
If you're first-generation like I am, you've gotten conflicting advice your whole life--be true to yourself and honor your family. Now that my friends and I have nearly all gotten married, I can see how well the "self-centered" (I mean that literally=revolving around the self) approach works for American marriage. The divorce rate is sad. If both partners only think about themselves, eventually the other's wishes will become as inconvenient as their birth families were, so they'll separate and go their own way.
Maybe you and your parents are more in line than you imagine. I imagine the ultimate goal is a successful happy marriage with as little hurt along the way as possible. People who marry later in the second half of their twenties with a college degree have on average much greater chances of financial and marital success. (See book "For Better" and article: [Link](Mouse over link to see full location)). Now, if you're just having a good time with your boyfriend and are avoiding or at least being careful with sex, and marriage is so far off that you don't really care where it goes with your boyfriend, maybe your parents values don't apply to your situation. You have to feel pretty casual to not get hurt. But if you know you're looking for marriage and that this boyfriend is someone you feel you'd eventually consider, starting off with secrets might hinder the closeness you want between your families.
I am sure your boyfriend has been a great support to you through high school, and he could possibly be the man for you for life, but to even be a contender for real commitment, he has to show himself a man to be worthy of it. One way to show his seriousness is to start over with your parents approval. Having him step up and be open is a clear sign that his intentions (as much as he can set them at 17) are serious and honorable.
If there's nothing wrong with him that they'd disapprove of other than your age, if he's ambitious, respectful, kind and stable, then they very well may also be happy you've met someone you care about, they may just adore him and will want to help you keep yourselves on track until you're ready to decide whether you'll get married or not.
The big question I have is, are you being careful with your heart and your future? Do you abstain or at least practice safe sex? Do you have a plan in case of pregnancy? For matters of the heart, if it didn't work out with him, what would you regret?
Your parents love you and want you to be happy with someone of good character and real compatibility (for me, it was someone outside my culture, but our families met and shared the values we all felt would make us work together well in the long run). When people choose for themselves, sometimes love blinds them to what my mom calls "the fatal flaws." Parents have lived longer and met many kinds of people along the way. They will see him without the love haze you see him through. If you really believe in him, maybe you can put him to the test.
]
You are not 18 yet but you are close. Once you turn 18, at least in the U.S. you are considered legally an adult. If you live in another country, the legal age at you are considered an adult may vary.
As an adult you will become responsible for all your decisions that will affect you the rest of your life.
Some young people give away the control of their life by allowing other people to make decisions for their life. This is something you want to be careful not to do if ultimately you are interested in being happy. Those who follow the wishes of family due to cultural customs, religious customs or just parents wishes or the stronger "demands", end up unhappy because they are not living their life for themselves, but allowing someone else to live or relive their life through a child or a spouse, etc.
This doesn't even have to reflect culture, but simply as simple as granddad, and father and other male members of a family have always gotten a law degree. All sons are told they must carry on the tradition and forced in that direction. But the son wants to pursue a career in music playing a cello in an orchestra and is very good at it and talented. But he forces himself to please parents and follows law. But because his heart and passion is not in it, he may succeed and pass the bar but he does a mediocre job and at some point later in life goes through a personal crisis, becomes depressed or finally attempts to change vocation and follow his own path, at which point it may not be as easy to make a change with so many years gone by.
I must agree Adviceman made a good point, your issue involves a relationship out of high school and young relationships very often do not end up being a life long commitment. You may be the exception. If the only issue where you may ever disagree with your parents beliefs and wishes is regarding dating, then it may be best to just bide your time and wait to see where you are at once you graduate college. Unless he's going to the same college, a long distance relationship doesnt work out too well and you can not predict by yourself 100% for sure if you both will still be a couple after college.
My guess is that over your life, as you continue to grow and form your own opinions, thoughts, beliefs, hopes and dreams, there's a chance a few more of your choices will go against what your parents or culture dictates as the only way. At some point in time, you will have to oppose what you've been raised with. A good amount of us have had to face this situation at some point in life.
I have had to face times when my ideas and beliefs changed so much that I was the only one not going with the group mentality and I had to make the change all on my own. It could happen when you're in your 30's or older. As long as we are changing, growing and we're working on improving our lives, we'll experience times like this as long as we are alive. You can always find people who will oppose your decisions as well as those who applaud them. End result is, you have to be able to live with it, knowing that whatever you may be giving up is worth what you are gaining in the end.
It takes alot of personal strength to walk your own path, no matter what others believe. It hurts at first, you may question whether you're doing the right thing, especially when people try hard to convince you to change to their views. After some time when you don't, some people can end up cutting off any communication with you, families disowning children, religious institutions ex-communicating a member, etc. You have to be 100% sure that this is the path you want so you aren't able to be swayed by others opinions.
Through experience, both my husband and I have found that when we were younger, having someone older as a mentor, someone to go to as a sounding board, to get various viewpoints, such as what you are doing here by writing us, is a very helpful thing. It helps you gather much more viewpoints and perspectives that are non biased.
I am grandma age now and still, whenever i come up against a major decision, I still will tend to ask questions of others who have gone through the same, but ultimately the end decision is yours. The best thing is that your decision is a well informed one, realizing all the possible end conclusions and consequences, and being okay with it.
I wish you the best in life and the strength and wisdom to chart your own course in the best way possible.
]
It is not our place to tell you what to do but to advice you on the best path you might want to follow. In the end though the choice you make has to be your own.
Your last sentence pretty much has the best advice anyone of us can give you which is, after all is said and done if you choose to follow your heart and not tradition or custom; you will have to face the consequences with your family.
That being said what I will tell you as a parent is. That young love and high school romances while seeming very real turn out to be very much less than a lifetime commitment. No matter what country you live in childhood friends are just that, childhood friends.
Your about to go off to college; all your current friends including your boyfriend are all going to go off in different directions. Some of you will be going off to college, others will join the military some may travel the world in search of work or pleasure. The only thing common to all of you is you will all be having new adventures and making new friends.
In college you will make new friend and meet new buys. Yes you will before leaving swear your undying love for each other. But separation does not make the heart grow fonder it makes for loneliness. Soon the texting will get less frequent as will the phone calls as you make new friends. By the time you both return home for the New Year’s break you will have both decided that maybe it is best if you take a break from each other.
Your romance may be the different one, the one that lasts beyond high school. Statistics say it won't. But if it does statistics say it won't go the distance and if it does there is a high rate of failure.
This is the truth as I know it to be, backed up by the statistics you can research for yourself. Now you have a decision to make. Is this love a true love or a high school love? Will you find love again if you follow your parents’ wishes? I say you will.
This is really all not that much a cultural thing. Every parent, especially parents of girls want their daughters to focus on school and not on boys. We want all our children to focus on school to get the education they need to take their place in this world. For a girl dating complicates school because she could get pregnant if she dates. Your parents are of a culture that is stricter in this nature than other cultures.
That's the best I can do to advise you, the decision is yours to make.
]
More Questions: |