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Second Chance?
My boyfriend and I are in our mid-twenties. We have been together for about a year and a half and I've never had a reason to feel like I can't trust him. Yesterday evening, he went to bed and left his phone laying out on the counter. Now, looking into each other's phones is something we promised we'd never do. Neither of us get jealous easily and we've always gotten along SO well because we're both laid back.
Well, what I found hurt me a lot. There were two different girls that he had been texting from time to time over the course of the past few months. With one girl, he would text her randomly and tell her that she looked beautiful in her new Facebook photo, and then a few weeks later he would say that he wished he could come see her. The other girl, he'd call her sweet names and he said he'd be off work for a few days and thought that they should meet up. From what I could tell, he never met up with either of them. But seeing him flirt and sweet talk other girls hurts so bad and I don't accept that. Plus, if he's willing to say those things, what else has he done that I wouldn't find in his phone?
I don't know what to do. I don't put up with cheating but if it IS just words in a message, it is different from physical cheating but still is a betrayal of my trust. What I don't understand is that our whole relationship has felt like it's in that "honeymoon" stage. I've never felt like he's been unhappy at any point. We constantly have so much fun together and have rarely had even the smallest of arguments. He brags about me to all of his friends, his family loves me, we've made plans for our future... and then I discover he texts random girls every once in a while. They're never ongoing conversations but still very inappropriate.
I left him while he was sleeping and went back to my own house. Since then we've briefly discussed the situation but I really don't want to talk to him because there's nothing he can say to justify what he's done. He keeps apologizing and saying how bad he feels, and that he'd never actually cheat on me, the texts are just an ego boost for him and he only sends them when he's drunk, that's why he quits replying. It makes sense, but at the same time, I will not tolerate cheating and I'm just hurt so bad that I feel like I will always have doubts in the back of my mind.. but beside this situation, we are SOOOO good together and I don't want to throw that away.
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First of all, I know many couples that share the trust and decide not to go through each other's phones. I completely understand that. But there comes a point, especially when you're living together and carrying on a serious relationship that it's not even a concern if one or the other picks their significant other's phone up. I can only imagine the hurt you felt when you saw those messages and I'm sorry you're going through this :( but don't go back to him just because you care so much about him. I know that sounds crazy, but going straight back to him will make him think that he can/could keep doing that and you would come back. I think if in a little while you do decide you all are a match and you want to be back with him, the phone rule should be thrown out the door. It does make sense that he could have possibly been drunk doing those things but he should have told you or deleted their numbers and learned from doing it the first time. Drunk is no excuse to continuously make the same mistake. I really hope things work out for you and overall you're happy! (: Hope this helps.
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I will tell you what my wife told me the day we married. "I could look at the menu all I wanted but if I ever reordered she would cut a very important appendage of mine off." That will be 43 years ago come this July. What she meant was it is okay to look and considering I worked for an airline as a gate agent at the time I could even flirt with the flight attendants just as long as the only bed I slept in was hers.
I understand how you feel and I could explain why he may flit when he is drunk though it won't change your feelings. You have a right to be hurt what I'm not sure of is if his actions justify throwing the baby out with the bath water, ending your relationship with him. What he has done is not the definition of cheating not by the dictionary definition of the word.
Now the dictionary and you are two different things. I only use the dictionary to ask the following question. If by your definition of cheating is what he has done so egregious in your mind that you will never be able to trust him again?
That is the question you have to ask yourself. If you can truthfully say to yourself that he can earn your trust and respect again then sit down with him and work out how to do that. If this misstep on his part, which could be looked at as something all men go through before they make that big commitment, is something you will always hold against him. Then it may be best you go your separate ways.
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A couple of years ago, I was in a very similar situation... Two years with a guy that I was crazy about and I found texts and Facebook messages that were inappropriate but didn't prove he had cheated. He said something similar about just wanting the attention. I gave him another chance.
It ended up being a five year disaster. Things escalated to him pretending to be tired so he could drop me at home and go see other girls. When we eventually broke up, he used me to cheat on three girlfriends, and years later I found out he had cheated on me too. This was a guy who seemed like the 'nice guy' that I wanted to spend the rest of my life with. I thought I'd never have a relationship that amazing ever again.
My point? Any kind of straying or disloyalty is a problem. With him, not you. Someone loyal will care about you so much that they will be strong and not want to send that text. In life, there is bound to be temptation and an opportunity to cheat sometime. Do you want someone weak who might not be able to resist that?
The right guy finally came along for me, and though we completely trust each other, we can go through each other's phones anytime we want. And when I have, there has been nothing bad or upsetting to see. This guy is not the last good relationship you'll ever have, and I think it's worth leaving him behind for someone you can trust and be truly happy with.
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It depends on your personal opinion on what you feel cheating is. My boyfriend and I agree flirting is cheating. What does your heart tell you. You are hurt. Their for you were betrayed. He still operated in seeking speaking and wanting to meet with this person. What was his reason it didn't happen. If he keep this from you did not inform you about these friends he keep it a secret another distrust. You will constantly be wondering who is he talking to. Where is he. Is it something you can get over you need to answer your own questions as in can you forgive him and give him another chance?
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Flirting is not cheating. Flirting can be anything from this to a certain kind of smile given to a waitress in a coffee shop.
That's not to say what he did was harmless. What matters is how well he understood how you feel. Did he think that it would upset you if you ever found out about the texts? Probably, therefore he did something wrong.
I would give him a second chance, but not a third. It seems likely that he was telling the truth and this was just an ego boost without any attachment for the other two women. That's something to keep in mind. The type of connection that you two share isn't shared with these other women. Really, the type of connection you describe isn't commonly found in general, so I would put forth the effort to keep it.
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I'm actually going through this myself.
If you feel like he will change then you can give him the second chance. But you have to be willing to let it go and throw it back at him later. Trust is separate. You can set boundaries to him and let him know that you will still be skeptical of him for a while. But it's totally up to you.
But don't be so forgiving. He messed up and the excuses that you listed are not convincing. Flirting is cheating. Telling another girl that's beautiful and telling another girl that you want to meet up is not okay. It would only be okay if you were going as well.
You need to do what you what you feel will let him understand where you're coming from. I understand completely. It will be in the back of your mind and he needs to know that actions like that are not tolerated.
You don't want to throw the relationship away and honestly I don't feel like it worth completely ruining the relationship if he hasn't actually done anything and I'm ONLY saying that because of the length that you two have been together, it's not easy to just throw away. You say that you have just briefly discussed the situation, but you need to do more than that and then make up your mind when you get to what made him do that.
Good Luck.
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