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Should I stay or run?
Hi. I've been with my partner for a year. I've lived with him since June 2013. I'm starting to think moving in was a mistake. Ever since I moved in, his mother and sisters kids control his life. We haven't been on an actual date because he'll bring mommy and sisters kids. If he doesn't, mom whines and cries and he'll pick them up. I feel like his moms his 2nd girlfriend. She always needs him and kids are always dumped on him. Parents never want to pick them up, so he's stuck with them. I'm always cleaning after his mom and sisters kids. She'll just sit and give orders. When I was contemplating breaking up with him, he'll cry to her and say you're not leaving him. She yells at me for not wanting to get pregnant. I'm starting to hate him and his family.What would you do?
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The fact that you question leaving or not makes the choice simple for me..leave him. You are obviously not happy with the situation you are in so why would you stay? Moving in with the person you love should be a beautiful experience. Maybe there is a way you and him could get your own place? Ultimately it is your decision but know that if you stay you cant make them change because it is their house and they feel in control. Make yourself happy, always but your happiness first
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Deep down, there is something you haven't realized you need to learn and sometimes it is something so simple and yet so hard to do.
You shared all the reasons why this is not a good situation for you. You know it's bad.So that's not the problem you are having.
I can relate after staying with my verbally abusive ex husband through 3 children and not leaving until they left home. I probably have a longer list of all the horrible things I had to put up with than you have given. I knew he wasn't treating me as I deserved to be treated. As with you, thats not the issue, its pretty obvious. But I stayed for 30 years. It took until then for me to get tired enough of the same old same old.
The one thing that I had to learn is to love myself enough to not continue to put myself in situations where I wasn't being treated well or being taken advantage of. However I also struggled with a fear of not being able to make it on my own and thats what held me back too from making a move for change. Whats your fear that is holding you back from just walking away.
BTW, if you discover and battle and win over your fears and leave, be prepared to be tested.
After leaving the ex, there came a time funds were tight and a male friend said he'd go in on an apt with me. All started out okay for about 6 weeks, then he became as abusive as my ex and I was scared because I had no where to go and no funds to put into another place. The guy demanded I jump to his tunes or he'd leave. I knew right then I was being tested for my own sake, so I would know I was strong enough, had really learned my lesson and the first wasn't just an accident that I left. I wouldnt comply so he disappeared, leaving me with an apt I couldn't afford, tried to find a roommate and that failed, I had to walk away from it. In lamenting to a friend, they said I could stay free with them until I saved up enough to move into a room or small place of my own. In 6 weeks I had enough money to start looking, then I heard from a guy on a dating site who ended up becoming my husband. I had to successfully manuever thru being tested on my lesson before I could go on with life. If you don't do well, the lesson keeps repeating and repeating.
So what type of thinking got me to finally leave the ex?
As terrible as my situation was,
Could I handle another day of it? Yes I knew I could.
Could I handle another week or month. Well, I would hate it but I made it so far all these years.
Could I handle the same old crappy stuff for another year? Well, I'd be always stressed and it might affect my health but if I really had to, I suppose I go slug on through it.
Could I handle the same treatment, the same crappy life situation for another 5, 10 15 years?
At the moment I asked myself this question, I felt my heart sink, I felt instant depression like a blanket come over me. It was then I realized, what am I waiting for? There's no better time to cut my losses than right now and leave.
I hope my story helps you with going through the process of realizing that it is important that you love yourself. If you wouldn't wish this on your best friend, don't accept it for yourself. It may be all you need is to just realize this fact and you will decide to leave immediately. Or perhaps you stop lying to yourself that you really are okay with who you are , or you discover things about who you are and begin to learn how to forgive yourself, accept and love your self and that will give you the strength to leave.If you believe that you could use help in the loving yourself department, I've added a link to something called EFT (emotional freedom technique) tapping. This helps you to work with your subconscious mind and any programs you've got running with thoughts that would hold you back that you don't even realize are there.
Good luck dear. Write me anytime you feel a need to talk more about this. But you need to go to my column first and write me from there if you want me able to respond.
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Honey, I will suggest you make your departure as soon as possible. Whatever you do, DO NOT get pregnant with this man. You will regret it, I guarantee you. Can you imagine your baby caught up in this mess?
I see a very toxic relationship on all sides, from what you are describing. You, your partner, his mommy and those kids are sucking all the life energy out of you.
You say it yourself. You say things like: moving in was a mistake, you are starting to hate him and his family, you feel like you are in prison, and you cant stand it anymore. Those are indicators of an unhealthy relationship for you. And I cant help but wonder, what benefit do YOU get? What do these people do for you? I dont see that they do anything that helps you, they only hurt. In fact, they are really good at it! They are a bunch of dependent, clinging, losers.
I think you should be as strong as you can, pack up all of your belongings, and leave. If they start some drama, dont listen. Stand up, look ahead of you, and walk. For sure, they will start crying, begging, and trying to make you feel guilty. Forget it. Straighten up, set your sights ahead, and FIRMLY walk out that door to a better life! Dont look back. To what? Hurt, dependence, and a depressing situation? Get as far away from those leeches as you can.
When you have made the break, and you are finally free, the most important thing to do after this, is to have NO CONTACT. I am sure that your blood sucking partner will blow up your phone with pleas, cries, and words of love. No contact. Dont let his toxic love poison you once you are free. Live your life the way YOU want. Love your freedom! Dont go back to him and chain yourself up in his problems. Those are his/mommy/kids problems, not yours.
Bless you, and do what is best for you. In this case it is much better to be on your own than in bad company.
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Tell him to man up, get his mouth off her teat, and move the f out. I don't know how old either of you are; but if you're over 18 this is simply unacceptable. You're with a hardcore momma's boy and it's ruining you. Don't be swayed by her manipulative behavior. Give him an ultimatum. If she talks him out of it, he's too weak-willed to be self-sufficient anyway and you'll be paying the bills as he goes over there to babysit out of guilt. She's controlling his life and therefore yours.
This may sound a bit harsh, but I have no tolerance for people who just allow themselves to get walked on. For your sanity, you shouldn't either.
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