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I think I am mentally ill. What do I do?
I constantly think, day dream, fantasy, have urges, & desires to kill people. One day I was so overwhelmed by my urge that I couldn't ignore it anymore. So i drowned my pet & I didn't feel guilt or remorse. All I felt was happiness & satisfaction. So ever since I did that my urges to kill have become to much to handle & it's becoming more difficult to ignore my urges. I don't know what to do? My mom says I am doing it for attention but I am doing it because I desire to kill things. She won't let me get help & she won't let me tell anybody so I can get help. So does anybody have ideas on how I can get help without my mom knowing?
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Maybe give some free advice about: Mental health?
Thank you for writing to us for help you have done the right thing.
You have two choices as to how to get help. The first and fastest way is to pick up a phone and dial 911. You do not need parental permission to call 911. Tell the call taker what you have told us. The call taker will probably stay on the phone with you while help is sent to you.
Help will be in the form of a Police Officer and the Fire Department along with an ambulance. The Police Officer is there to see to it that you get the help you need. That neither mom nor dad turn the firefighters or paramedics away who are there to care for you and take you to a hospital emergency room where you will be seen by a doctor.
Once at the hospital you can expect to be kept in the hospital for a bit while the doctors talk to you and come up with a proper treatment plan.
The second way is for you to go to any hospital emergency room yourself. At 14 that you are old enough to go to the hospital without parental permission for this problem. Tell the admitting clerk and nurse what you have written to us. They will admit you to the hospital and have you seen by the appropriate doctor.
Don't be too hard on yourself. You did something you should not have done and you realize it. You are doing the right thing by seeking help even though you mom is not willing to help you.
Don't be too hard on mom either. As a parent I can tell you that no parent is prepared to hear from their children what you told her. While most parents might feel as she does, most parents would also take their child to the appropriate doctor for an examination. Without knowing the why behind your mothers’ decision not to seek a doctor’s examination I cannot say she is right or wrong.
I will say you are doing what you feel you need to do by seeking the proper help before you hurt someone. That is a decision I will support you in as best I can from where I am.
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As a mother of three sons I can tell you that we moms just do not like the idea that our sweet sons are anything but angels. Obviously we know they are not at all times but we will do anything to protect our children at all costs. That being said you know what you are feeling better than anyone. The fact that you found joy in the suffering of a living creatures says yes you indeed need some kind of immediate professional help. I know for myself as a mom I might get upset if my child went behind my back and did something I asked them not to but I could never live with myself knowing I stood in the way of something so serious and then something really tragic came from it. I'm sure your mother just isn't understanding the extent of your problem. If you can not get her to understand the seriousness and soon you have to decide to get help on your own. Because if you did take someone's life you will be suffering the consequences on your own while your mother suffers hurt and blame forever. I can not say that I understand what you are feeling but I think you are on the right path wanting to seek out help. Please go to your school and talk with a counselor right away. You know you MUST do this to save both someone else's life as well as your own.
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Your mom may not know what to do or just is unable to mentally process or handle the information that you need professional help. So it is easier for her to try to ignore it by telling you it's nothing but attention getting and not to tell anyone.
Her playing the part of "Turtle" and pulling into her shell to try to hide from the situation isn't going to make it go away or get any better.
I am glad you wrote us. Yes, you need to get help. Don't be hard on yourself. You aren't choosing to be like this, it's something you can't help but a doctor can help you.
Talk to a school counselor. They need to hear from you that mom isn't taking this seriously and told you not to tell anyone. As far as counselors and medical professionals are concerned, they must abide by a law to keep things confidential so that no one else need know. Ask them to help set you up with a mental health professional. I believe they may have someone come to the school to meet you because there is no other way for you to go on your own somewhere for appointments.
Some of my own experience:
My daughter confided in me after giving birth that she was scared that something was very wrong with her. She was bombarded with thoughts of killing herself or her baby although she knew it wasn't right and didnt want to do so but she feared she might lose control one day. Not the same thing as you have. But it turned out she had depression as a teen but there were no signs...I am pretty close to my kids and we talked alot...no signs. However pregnancy increased her problem and she now had extreme case of postpartum depression. As she began to get treatment, they discovered it wasn't related to just the pregnancy but it would have to be medication she got for the rest of her life. For many though, its a combo of medication and long term counseling. I was a caregiver for a gal who was mentally ill. She will be on medication and getting counselling for the rest of her life but it makes her able to have a normal life. When her medications were changed to a new one that was different and cheaper, unfortunately the difference was great enough that it was as if she wasnt taking medication at all and her whole attitude and mental stability went haywire and she was miserable. I made sure the Dr. saw her immediately for an unscheduled visit and they put her back on her regular meds. The right medication can make a big difference. So please don't chicken out. Tell the school officials dear.
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Please, please speak to a counselor at your school (or call a mental health hotline - do an online search for ones in your country). The hotlines should be anonymous, however, I'm not sure what the protocol is for when someone may be endangering someone else.
At any rate, even if those hotlines/the school DO have to inform your mom, you will be getting help. That is what's most important right now.
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