|
A crazy marriage
I have been married to John for 2 years. This has been my experience: Within the first 6 months of our marriage my father passed away. I had to fly across the country to attend the funeral, and stayed for 2 weeks. Upon my return, I found out that John had cheated on me with a prostitute. To make a long story short, I forgave him and we worked really hard on our marriage. Another 6 months went by, and while I was doing laundry, I found 2 movie tickets in his pants pocket. I looked at the date on the tickets, and it happened to coincide with one of the nights he told me he had been “working late.“ Again, we worked on the marriage and got counseling, and things went better.
On Jan. 1st, 2014 he left me. He packed up all of his belongings and left our home. He moved into an apartment with a girlfriend he had been having an affair with for the past 2 months. They lived together for 4 days before he called it quits, and made her move out.
The excuse he gives me for all the cheating incidents is: (in his exact words) “you are a beautiful person, with a beautiful soul. But my sex life with you has always been bad. In fact, it is sh*t.“
He told me that while he doesn´t want to say goodbye to me forever, he wants me to begin seeing other people. When I ask him if he will come back to me, he says he is not ready.
I don´t know what to do. I thought marriage was supposed to be a sacred union lasting for a lifetime. I certainly went into it that way, and I feel that I have done everything possible to make it work. Now, I just feel used. Is there any hope for this marriage to ever heal?
Thank you very much for your attention.
[ ]
Want to answer more questions in the Relationships category?
Maybe give some free advice about: Love Life?
I am so sorry you are going through this. John is not marriage material, some men are just not committed, and you can't fix this marriage alone. A man that is committed to a marriage would and should tell you if his needs aren't being met, before going to a prostitute, especially considering that you went to counseling. The "sex being bad" comment isn't why a committed man would leave someone. Seems it's easier for him to leave and point the finger at you and your "sexiness" instead of pointing his finger at himself. You need to get a lawyer, and get on with your life, life's too short to waste another minute on him.
]
You have pretty much given this marriage every effort you could of given it before it ended. At this point, I don't believe marriage counselling will do any good.
This man decided to go and have an affair and karma came around and bit him in the ass when he realized it wasn't going to work. It can't work with someone who isn't willing to do his part. Don't offer him a plea deal to come back into the marriage, He has already proven he isn't capable of being in a faithful marriage yet alone give you the love you deserve. It would be in your best interest to be grow apart and learn to move on and meet someone new when you are ready. I wouldn't be sitting on the little to no hope of ever rekindling this marriage. Never can I understand why you would even want to be in any sort of contact with someone like him. When trust is broken, It is broken for a long time until one can learn to gain the trust back if they ever do. Nothing is ever promised, Not even a marriage. Cut him loose and write him off, He isn't worth your time and your pain. You are much stronger without someone like that in your life. Get yourself into therapy and work on YOU.
]
I'm going to start by saying it seems you put him in higher regards than you do yourself. I could be wrong, but if that's true, understand that he's not more important than you. When it comes to relationships, no one should be seen as more important.
I agree with the other columnists' summation of your husband.
Maybe your husband is right. Maybe you should see other people.
He's not satisfied with the sex. Is that your fault? If you two are doing something that isn't amazing for both of you, is it solely your doing? No, it isn't. If he enjoys sex better with someone else, maybe they're just more compatible. Of course, regardless of how compatible two people are, things can always be improved with effort. He could learn things that would help, but it really doesn't sound like it's in him to want to.
He's looking out for himself, primarily. That isn't necessarily a bad thing, everyone's in charge of their own happiness, but he isn't showing you enough respect while he's doing it. When he cheats, he knows he's risking your relationship and that doesn't stop him. This is a huge problem for more than one reason. It means he isn't as invested as in you as you are in him, for one. If you're going to be as happy as you should be, you need to be with someone who needs you about as much as you need them. Another big problem is how important his sex life is to him. In the grand scheme of things, there are things that are so much more important in a marriage. Besides, infatuation and sex will fade in time regardless of how good it is.
Leaving him would be difficult. It's understandable as attachments for people can be stronger than just about anything. In cases like this, I think it's important that people look at their situations with an unbiased opinion. To do that, pretend that you have a friend that is constantly cheated on. What advise would you give that friend?
The truth as I see it is you are missing out one something important that everyone should have in a marriage: respect. Because of this, even if you two try to make it work, I don't see anything stopping an issue like this from happening again and again. You truly deserve more than he seems to be able to give you.
]
Well, at least he's finally being honest about how he feels. Now you are able to make your decisions based on a better idea of the truth. I honestly feel you need to move on with your life. The two of you are looking for different things. There is nothing wrong with you or what you are doing. It is him. He will most likely never be faithful to anyone. I think he is using you for that convenient faithful comfortable and reliable safety net. He knows you are always there and willing to take him back despite the terrible ways he is treating you. You already know where his head is at. He is worried about one thing and one thing only and just knows you're going to be right there. You deserve so much better. Being with him is putting your health at risk at the very least. You are not going to be happy. You need to find someone who loves and appreciates you. You are too special with so much to offer. Don't wait for him to continue taking your happiness and your wonderful loving spirit.
]
I agree with Razhie as for you to go back into therapy. I believe your husband is a conceited bastard for saying what he said and did so to hurt you.
For the sake of discussion and just for the moment lets just say you came to your marriage bed a true virgin. Then it is up to the husband to show his bride the wonders of sex for you have saved him the most precious gift a woman can give a man. If in this instance he is so selfish as to just take what he needs and not show you the wonders of the marriage bed then the fault is all his.
Now if you are like the majority of couples; you married as non virgins and had a premarital sex life. He would have known before hand what type of sex life the two of you would have had and again if something was missing then he was being selfish in not sharing his needs with you.
Premarital sex is usually secretive and wham, bam thank you maam type of thing. It is when a couple marries that they truly learn how to love and make love to each other. If he did not show you what his needs where or allow you to show him what your needs were he is wrong. This is what I meant by him being a conceited bastard. For he has no idea what being a husband or lover is.
You have every right to feel used for I think in most ways he did use you. He used you to do for him what mommy use to do for him.
Is there any hope for this marriage? I don't see why you would want to even try. Based on that one remark my feeling is he is so conceded that there is no room for anyone else. What he said to you is the worst thing a man can say to a woman, especially his wife. As his wife if she comes from such a sheltered background that sex is virtually an unknown. Then the pleasures of sex is his to share and to teach.
There are better men out there then him. Hopefully there are no children of this marriage. If there are then see a lawyer and see to it that he is made to legally live up to his responsibilities as their father and walk away without looking back.
]
Go back to therapy by yourself.
It's too soon to tell what the future will bring, but you need an advocate and a safe space to talk about what is going on, so go see a therapist or counsellor.
There isn't much reason to believe that a man who was never really faithful to your marriage in the first place, will ever be ready to come back, and have the kind of marriage you desire. That's just not realistic at this point.
So go to therapy and deal with the fallout of this situation.
]
More Questions: |