|
Ex comes back the third time, I am to get married to someone else soon.
Long story short-
I dated my ex (my first love)for more than 2 years, got engaged, were soon to be married , did crazy things together which i might never do with anyone else.Then we hit a bad patch. His family thought I was not good enough for him, etc.We broke up. He came back, I took him.He left to a different country, we continued to be in the relationship. In one year after he left, his behavior changed, he met new people, started ignoring me etc. I called it off. He comes back to me,asks me to marry him. He promised to behave himself,to come for me in a few months and get married. I gave it one more chance, he goes back, same old behaviour. Lied to me, ignored me etc. I called it off. And moved on.I Found someone and am getting married in a month. Now he is back again after an year, and is begging me to marry him. He seems like he has changed. The arrogance is gone, sends me texts all through the day and in the night trying to convince me.I am in a fix. I know my ex is all wrong, he will go back on his word .
The one I am going to marry now is a research scholar and all that, more mature, good nature d ,trustworthy, respects me, families are happy,but he is not as interesting, spontaneous, passionate as my ex.I respect him , but I am not as passionate about him as I was towards my ex. Will I regret my decision to marry him? I'm scared . What do I do?
[ ]
Want to answer more questions in the Relationships category?
Maybe give some free advice about: Love Life?
Jealousy speaks in weird ways, If it didn't work several times it is not going to work this time.
Clearly, You both have differences. You are engaged to someone else and soon to be married, Why are you even rethinking the possibility of getting together with someone that you have not worked out with several times? If you really want to seek happiness then I suggest you cut this guy loose and move on with your life. We can only give people so many chances before we need to begin to realize that it just isn't going to work. Likely, He is jealous because you've moved on from him and wants you too THINK he has changed. Even if he did, He had his chance. We cannot live on "what if" This guy is baggage and he needs to stay in the past, Don't become gullible because you will end up loosing what you have now and fall back into your tracks once again.
Focus on your life and stop contacting him
]
"Happily ever after doesn't happen because you wish it so. It only happens when both parties put in maximum effort to make it so"~~~a quote I found.
All relationships take work to make something wonderful of it. The first guy wasn't willing to.
The second guy sounds like someone who will be willing to put in equal effort to work on the marriage. So he does sound more promising.
Ask yourself why you agreed to marry him? Did you ever feel some kind of chemistry with him in the beginning, and just don't feel it now? If so, you were being carried by the NRE, new relationship energy, that feeling of your head in the clouds, and heart doing somersaults. However NRE wears off after a few months or even up to a year and what you're left with is the true amount of passion and chemistry that will always be there.
If you seriously think that you and he don't match in the pheromone connection and there is a mismatch there, you need to have an honest talk with the fiance. There is something to be said about having too high a standard or high expectations. There is also a chance that while one of you may be willing to settle for a life time commitment to someone who is not your sexual equal including chemistry, the other will always be unhappy because they do not feel fulfilled.
I believe there are two components for a stable foundation of a marriage, One is being best friends, and the other being sexual equals and that includes the passion felt between each other.
On a scale of 1-10, will every day feel like a 10?
No thats unrealistic. When one is ill, tired, stressed, preoccupied, or even as in my case, 2nd husband and I finding in astrological charts a period of time where both of us would not be feeling as passionate or desiring of sex...the time passed and we were back to normal. first husband i married at 20 when i didnt know any better, he and i were sexual mismatches from the beginning. he didn't ever give me orgasms, his kiss was like kissing a brother, and he was also not happy because he was unfulfilled no matter what we tried, couple counseling therapy, watching porno, sex toys, studying books...
Sometimes all the effort will make no difference if there isn't something there.
Only you can know if your situation just needs a little more effort from each other to make it great. Or if there is nothing there to begin with.
Many have married for stability and security onlyinstead of passion and romance as well added in. And they are still married. They may be best friends and both have low libidos and have been willing to not worry about lack of passion. Yes, they may love each other. But I know couples like that, they are more like sister/brother living together for convenience sake financially. Siblings can of course love each other. If you are willing to have that kind of love in a marriage, then go for it. If you want the kind of love where where you both can say: I'm so in love with you, so much a part of you that I find life is more enjoyable just having you in it, I can't stand being apart from you, I find myself craving your looks, compliments, touch, and never tire of it, then either you too have been too busy planning a wedding and forgot to put those kinds of priorities first, or you both have to admit, it just isn't there.
So yes, there is a chance you may regret marrying. So have a heart to heart talk with him.
You can write me again if you have anything that comes up from your talk that you need advice on. I've given you something to think about but the decision is entirely yours to make. Good luck!
]
First loves are always hard to get over especially when they continue to remain in the picture in someway. From what you have written your first love is not ever going to change, I think he has proven that to you. I believe he sees you getting married and will tell you anything you want to hear to stop you and keep you on a string while he is off doing his thing wherever,when and where he pleases.
Will you regret your decision to marry the man you're engaged to? That is really hard to say as marriages do fail. If this marriage does fail I feel it won't be because you didn't marry your first love; it will be for another reason.
Having second thoughts are normal this close to the wedding day. Yours are complicated by the return of the ex, don't let that happen. Spontaneity and passion are a learned experience one you can teach your husband in the privacy of your home and bedroom or any other room of the house. There is a very fine line between respect and love to the point that they are almost synonymous.
Not knowing your age it is hard for me to know if you are questioning your decision for fear something or someone better will come along. As is the grass is greener on the other side of the fence; or if you are not truly in love with this man. As I said above it is normal to have cold feet at this point. You're about to enter a marriage that hopefully will last the rest of your lives. You want to make sure you've made the right choice.
I believe you probably have made the right choice. First loves are just that. They are the first people other than family that show you affection and you have affection for. As with your first love they rarely last as we learn different things about them we don't care for so we move on. It is a learning experience and is why we call it a first love for there will be more loves to come.
I wish I could tell you for certain that you made the right choice but I can't. I can only tell you that 42 years ago I married a women I met after a second attempt at getting together with my first love. A girl that everyone said we were meant to be together. I have since learned she has gone through 3 husbands. Would I have been one of the three? I do not know. What I do know is I have been extremely happy with the woman I chose to marry.
]
If you're not in love with someone, do not marry them. I mean LOVE. Like you're crazy about him. And if you're not! Don't get married. That's just common sense, I mean, I'm not telling you to go back to your ex, you should never have to be in one of THOSE relationships, but you should NEVER marry someone you weren't crazy, head over heels, couldn't stand to be without him, about. I mean, come on. Sort out your feelings and figure out what it is that you want to do. Never do anything just because it's "easy". That, in the long run, is never easy. You'll get divorced and by then, someone who you could have met now would already be taken, if you get what I'm trying to say.
Good luck with whatever you choose,
Have a nice day :)
]
More Questions: |