|
Continuously bad relationship with mother
Hello, I need help with my relationship with my mother. I am 18 and I feel as though we are growing more distant and hostile towards each other. I feel as though every time I do something wrong (which I will freely admit I am guilty of), my mother and I over react to each others response and it just ends in a shouting match. We continue to do this (and have done so for years) and I can certainly say it is not pleasant for either of us. It has gotten to the point that I am reluctant to talk with her as it almost always ends with one of us upset and angry at the other.
I am not writing this because they took my phone or Xbox or something and I am just complaining because they are unreasonable. I'm here because I need some genuine advice on how to communicate openly with my mother about why this always happens.
I know I am not the perfect son, but I feel as though the instant I do something wrong, we just get into it.
I can't stand to be angry all the time anymore.
[ ]
Want to answer more questions in the Relationships category?
Maybe give some free advice about: Families?
Maybe it is more than just a communication problem. Something more deep between you all. Or a depression. Depression can cause you to be irritable. Try to focus your hostility in another form. A punching bag, a run, writing etc. Once you can release your tension it will be easier to talk. Good luck.
]
Your problem is not all that unique, many children and their parents face the same problem when children reach this age. Boys generally have the problem with their mothers and girls have the problem with their fathers. If you are an only child the problem is intensified some.
What is the problem. For the parent it is the fear of losing. Losing their child to the adult world, losing having the closeness or the feeling of being needed they have cherished for the last 16 plus years. For the child it is the fear of being smothered, not having enough freedom, not being seen as the adult they feel they are.
As someone old enough to be your grandfather I have been through this with my own and now I watch as mine go through this with theirs. Mom needs some reassurance that you are not going to run off and leave her. You're going to have to find away to show her as well as talk to her.
My son would take my wife shopping but if he met anyone he knew at the mall or wherever he told his mother to act like she didn't know him. This worked well for those kids that didn't know us. For one of his friends he liked to embarrass people and run up to us shouting mom, dad. You see he was black and we are white. Twenty years ago him calling us mom and dad caused a lot of starring. He didn't mind we didn't mind so who cared but he was the exception to the rule, when in the mall.
I agree you need to sit down with mom and tell her you are tired of all the yelling. Tell her you are growing up not away from her. That you love her and you will always be there for her. That in order to be the adult she has raised you to be you need some freedom to learn just how to act as an adult while she is there to help you.
Try this and see if it doesn't bring about a change. If you are an only child you might try being a bit more helpful around the house. For as you get older you make more work for mom something you may not be aware of.
]
This is something you should sit down and talk to your mother about.
Tell her how you are tired of arguing and feel the need to try and talk about the problem rather then picking a fighting match. If you openly admit to doing a lot of wrong things, Maybe you could try to work on these things. If you feel that talking won't get anywhere then you should try writing her a letter and put it somewhere where she will read it. Explain to her how you feel and that you are tired of attacking one another. It sounds like lack of communication on both parties, If you both can learn to talk about the problem then it will get better but again, Write to her.
]
Some questions to ask yourself:
Has this developed slowly over the years? Or is it more recent, Do after a particular event in your lives? Do you have similar problems with relationship with Dad? You did say they, "not writing this because they took my " so I assume they are both still married living in the same house.
Have you tried asking your Dad what he sees going on and whether there is anything you can yet improve on? Perhaps you apologize and admit when wrong, but tone of voice, facial expression, and body language can send the opposite message no matter what was said.
And what about mom and dad, do they also get into shouting matches with each other? If they do, then neither of them have the skills to properly negotiate through disagreements, nor have the self control over their emotions and still have some maturing themselves to do. Just because someone is a parent doesn't mean they have mastered everything yet and may be lacking in some abilities relationship wise.
If your parents know how to calmly talk things out with each other and mom only loses her patience with you, then she only knows how to control her temper in certain situations but not all and therefore still has that to conquer while you must be doing something that still sets her off. Your dad should be a good person to ask if theres something you can improve upon.
If on the chance he agrees you are handling yourself politely and reasonably and mom is the one reacting but doesnt know why, or he just would rather not know and ignores it, then theres a problem.
Mom may have PMS, pre menstrual symptoms and you just never noticed until more recently, and she may have gone all her life untreated for it. If severe, it can last in duration for the 3 weeks she is not on her period. I knew a woman like that, hard to get along with. Or she may have a mild case of mental illness. Many have it mild enough to still handle job and regular life but the frustrations and pressure has to be released at some point and they take it out at home with family members.
No matter what the cause is of the problems between you and mom, counseling would be the best way to go in either situation.A woman who did not part on friendly terms with an ex, may subconsciously begin to harbor resentment towards other men, or in particular to a child who reminds her of the ex, in looks, or maybe personality and mannerisms. It would not be the fault of the child but deep issues the mother needs to get counseling to have dealt with.
can improve and willing to work on it. If she is not willing or you are not, theres isn't anything that can be done to improve your situation.
But you both have to be willing to admit there is a problem, both willing to admit you
]
More Questions: |