|
families, love life, leaving home, etc.
So, this is kind of a long story, but I am going to try and condense it as much as possible. I am a 22 year old female, soon to be 23. When I was 18 years old, I was planning on going away for college, but due to a series of events (family members becoming ill, going through some personal things), I decided to stay home. I was planning on going away the second year, and then the third year, etc. After the third year passed and I was still home, I did not see a point in leaving because it would take me longer to complete school and most of my credits may not transfer to another university (you know how that is, it can be difficult). So, I stayed home and finished school here, while living at home. I decided to make the best out of it, so I got involved in the university, and have been holding 2 part time jobs. For the first 2 years, of my school, my mom was not working. I was completely and totally supporting myself and her. Now, she is working, but I am still working in 2 part time jobs.
two years ago, I met my boyfriend. She met him and she loved him. But, I really believe my mom is bipolar. she changes her mind about things too quickly and too sporadically. The first nine months, she LOVED him. She would always make us dinner when he came over and she was so happy that I had a nice guy in my life. I was pretty happy too. I live with my mom and my grandparents. My grandparents come from a different upbringing where a woman should not be out alone unless she is married. they are very strict. I am almost 23 and I am not allowed to drive by myself at night. Therefore, I can't pick any night classes. I am not allowed to sleep over at anyone's house or have anyone sleep here. I cannot be out past 6pm without my mom or my boyfriend. It's really crazy. I have no privacy in my home. Sometimes, I just want to be alone so I can talk on the phone or do my work. But, that doesn't happen. They will break down the door if they want to talk to me. They even come into the bathroom while I'm in the shower and open the shower curtain. Sometimes, I see that I have 25 missed calls and they are either from my mom or my grandma. My aunt lives across the street and she has just as much authority as they do. I feel very suffocated.
You must be thinking, why hasn't she moved out? Well, let me explain. I live in a VERY expensive city. The cheapest apartment I have found is $1100. That is a lot considering my monthly income is about $1200. But, now I am seeing the need to move out more and more. My mom has started hating my boyfriend. She has never met his family and she says she hates them too. She has given me until decemeber to break up with him and says that is all that she's giving me. I found out something disturbing about the family that I do not wish to put here. I understand that when you marry someone, you marry their family, but my mom has treated him horribly and he has put up with it. I don't like this kind of pressure. I am taking this one step at time and praying about it. but, I don't like to be given these kind of timelines. I am graduating in December and I was planning on moving out right away so that she won't harass me with this anymore.
I graduated with a major in education, but I am getting my masters in speech. I have a year before I can start school again for my masters because I need to take the pre-requisites. So, I was thinking of taking a teaching job in the meantime so that I can move out. However, I know that I need to save money because I really want to go away from my masters. I hate the city that I live in. I want to explore the world. I've talked to my boyfriend about it and he will be done with his masters by the time I finish my pre-reqs. So, he would be willing to come with me. I would love to even apply to schools in the UK. I'm not saying I'm going that far... but, I need to save money for wherever it is that I do go. Should I take a teaching job? Even though I'm working on my pre-requisites? How about moving out? Would it be the right thing to do now?
Please help!
[ ]
Want to answer more questions in the Relationships category?
Maybe give some free advice about: Families?
This story is something that people don't really hear about, so I'm glad you posted it. I agree with what these people have said, you are legally an adult. It looks like you are pretty unhappy, and are only happy when you can escape your household. I feel the same. I sneak out because I am not yet an adult, but it seems like even though you are 22 you have more restrictions than I do and it is impacting your life, namely your education and love life. If this man is willing enough to help you, you need to let him. Your parents and grandparents cannot say no, and maybe when they are gone they will realize how harsh they have been. For your boyfriend to deal with these strict rules, it truly shows that he loves you, especially for the person you are and have become through this. Keep trucking on, find that affordable place, and let your life be your life, not your families!!!!!!
]
You're 21 and you live at home. In some families they say; "if you live under my roof you live by my rules." This seems to be the case with you at this time. But you are also legally an adult which means the restrictions they are placing on you are wrong both morally and in some respects legally. Yes there may be some cultural and religious reason behind their restrictions. The fact still remains if you live in certain countries such as the U.S., Great Briton and other Western countries your mom and grandparents have no right to place these restrictions upon you.
That being said you are also dependent, to a certain degree, upon mom and your grandparents for food, clothing and shelter. There is no longer a legal requirement for them to provide these things after you turned 18. They do this out of love and moral obligation rather than legal obligation. This places you in a Catch-22 situation. Meaning you can either abide by their rules or they can tell you to get out.
What to do about it. Simple math says you cannot afford an apartment of your own. Their are other alternatives to living on your own. Apartment sharing where you find a roommate to share an apartment with or you find someone who is looking for a roommate to share their apartment with.
While you are attending school there should probably be a number of homes that offer rooms for rent near the campus. Maybe not the greatest solution to your problem though they are generally inexpensive. They offer you the privacy you want and need as well as having much fewer restrictions. You may also qualify to rent off campus housing which would be a room in a house shared with other students.
Moving out of your grandparents home is the best solution to your current situation. I would expect you will meet with stiff objections from both your mom and your grandparents when you tell them you are moving out. Remember you are 21 and legally an adult responsible for yourself. If you wish to move out that is your privilege and not theirs to control.
You have about 8 weeks to seek a new place to live. An apartment of your own is not possible. The other alternatives are possible and a good solution to your present problem. Use this time to find a place you can afford, is close to school and work as well as comfortable for you to live and study in.
Check with the school for off campus housing and check on line for apartment sharing websites to find listings in the area you want to live. Your local paper and the school should have an ample supply of lists of rooms for rent for you to look at.
]
You will not have a life of your own until you get away from all family members, plain and simple. They mean well but their customs and belief systems whether they ever did work, applied to times in the past. Trying to live by customs of the past while navigating in todays world, does not mix well at all. Due to expense and not being able to get out on your own in your city, I would certainly choose any situation that presents itself as a way to make that first break...but for one exception...do not marry someone to get away from them just because they feel its the only proper way to go. You should marry for love, not because the guy is your ticket out no matter how he treats you. In desperation to get away, girls have decided to settle for less and marry a jerk to get away from controlling family.
If you can pull this off without marrying, do so. If at any future point in time, the boyfriend doesnt work out for you, don't stay with him. Proceed to living on your own and then looking for a sweetheart when you are ready.
Good luck dear.
]
More Questions: |