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mother moved in, now he's upset.
Recently my mother and little sister has moved in with me and my boyfriend due to finicial struggle. My boyfriend and I talked about and both agreed that it would be okay for my mother and my sister to move in, until they get back on their feet. They have only been here 3 days and its not going great. My boyfriend is constantly complainning about how they are too loud. I tell them to be quiet and they listen but if they talk above a whisper he starts banging the walls and grunting at them. I just don't know what to do. I will not have my sister and mother on the streets but I feel like my boyfriends anger is rising too much lately.
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First: You are right in the way you feel towards you sister and mother.
Second: There is something else going on here with your boyfriend. I really can't say what it is but if there is ever going to be piece between the three of you and him you need to find out just what is bothering him. It may be something very simple and mundane. Like he is the type who likes to sit around in his shorts and watch TV but feels he can't because your mom and sister are now living with you?
It could be something just that simple. A small change to his routine that maybe you asked him to make, your mom may have asked him to make or he feels he needed to make. To find out you need to get him out of the apartment to someplace quiet where you two can talk and you can get him to open up to you. Without him telling you what his problem is you can't fix it or find a compromise that might work. If you don't do this or if he won't tell you what the problem is then your relationship is unfortunately headed down the drain pipe.
I can't say if he is being unreasonable without knowing what the problem truly is. What is unreasonable is to ask you mom and sister to walk on eggshells in their own home. Yes, for now this is their home and they should be allowed all the privileges, within reason of sharing your home.
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Lesson 1: Family shall always come first.
Not only is he being completely unfair, He is making this into something much bigger then it has to be. Instead of trying to get along, He is behaving irrashionally and making everyone else miserable.
Family comes first, If he can't except it and learn to show some respect then sweetheart, He has to go.
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Normal regular movements about the place and normal conversation should not be so annoying to him.
You alone must make the same amount of noise yourself. Does he get upset with you for making noise? He doesn't sound like the social type. He'd probably be better off living on his own, the hermit type. Why he has you living with him is it's really his personality and wanting to be a loner, I have no idea. But it could be something other than wanting to be a loner. Perhaps he was an only child, no siblings, and all the extra bodies in the same amount of space is something he isn't used to.
Or him being so extra sensitive is a glimmer into his head of underlying mental issues he has that may over time develop into a mental illness.
Except for the last example, mental illness, all the rest point to him being totally immature and unflexible, unable to change with what life throws at him. The economy may never get better and all families everywhere will need to start living together just to survive. Getting back on their feet when executives of companies now work at Starbucks or Walmart, means theres less jobs to go around. No matter how hard she tries, mom may not find a job quickly. If you did not have a job right now and had to stay with lets say a grandma and she asked you how long exactly you needed to stay, unless you are a psychic able to see the future, you would not be able to give a real true answer. The boyfriend may have agreed but his brain doesnt consider all issues, his mind doesnt look at it from all angles and think ahead to all possible outcomes to agreeing to take in mom and sis. So for one thing, he has a lot of growing up to do as far as becoming mature in his thinking and he is very rigid when flexibility is needed for the unpredictable stuff life throws our way. My ex had mental illness. I had to handle all unexpected stuff cus he couldn't handle it if anything went a way other than the picture he had in his mind of how things should pan out. Thats either immaturity or mental illness of some sort. A person like that will grow worse and freak out over other things in his life that dont go as planned, and to relieve himself of his frustrations, he will dump on those closest to him by yelling and abusing them verbally in attempt to try to feel better himself.
These things with boyfriend may not ever happen but its a possibility its about to start real soon, especially since you say he gets angry often. Maybe he just needs anger management counseling. But the chances of getting him to see that HE has an issue and its not anyone else causing it is going to be hard.
Heres a tidbit for you to remember throughout life: No one can make anyone else feel a certain way or do a certain thing. No one can change another person. All for the same reason....each individual has a choice of how to respond to any external stimuli in their world, in frustration, sadness, anxiety, anger or with peace and joy. It's an internal choice. Example: Just because some kid in school said, you're stupid and their friends joined in agreeing, is a person going to believe them because more than one said it, or will the person look at the reality of it before automatically deciding to believe them and going on thru life really believing they are stupid. The battle is in the mind, always is, always has been. We can allow the external onslaught to help shape us into growing into more mature, stronger individuals, or we can fail when the pressure is applied.
In your case, boyfriend is failing when the pressure is applied...it's not your family but him who is the problem. If he can't learn to cope with this, you will see him have issues with many other things in life. He may not be the best bet for a long term partner. Keep a close eye on him and how he acts. He should be putting you first, be patient and flexible no matter what life throws your way, and choosing to be loving, caring and supportive. A man who can not be supportive in tough times like this is not likely to change in his life time for the better, perhaps for the worse.
It may come down to mom and sis having to find 'strangers' or aquaintances to go stay with because I can predict that no matter how short or long their stay, it will be a daily battle with him. Ask yourself how long before he starts to treat you the same and I dont care if he says I love you. I have life experience with someone like him. I know what I am talking about. Their inner mental struggles are stronger than the conviction of their words, I love you.
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You need to speak to your boyfriend. He's being unfair.
He agreed to having them there. It's one thing if he wants to revisit that agreement. It would be fair for him to turn to you and say "Man, I thought this would be okay but it's just horrible for me." but it is NOT fair for him to torture them with complaints and insults.
And that is what he doing. It would be one thing if they were screaming or blasting music, but what he is doing is punishing them for existing. That's not cool.
You might also want to speak to your mom about how long she thinks this will last. "Until they get on their feet..." can be a very, very long time. It's fair for you and your boyfriend to ask for a firmer commitment from them. You'll have an easier time telling your boyfriend to respect that he is now sharing the space with them, if you can give him some guidelines about how long that is going to go on.
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