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My girlfriend is breaking up with my because of my past
I have known my girlfriend for 6 months and been dating her for 5. I am 28 and she is 30 and she is american and im english.
When we first met and started talking we hit it off big time. I told her from the first day that i wanted to be completely open an honest with her, especially after i had been lied to and cheated on in both my only 2 serious relationships....this meant telling her that as of the last 3-4 years whilst i was single i had dated alot and had had many casual partner & one night stands (i dont know my actual number but i told her it was 35). At the time she was shocked and didnt know what to think of me, but i really liked her and expressed my feelings for her and explained that as of the last year /6 months i had made a concious effort to stop partying, being wild, no more casual dates and to just wait for the 'right girl' i felt i could love and trust. Furthermore, as part of us getting know eachother we both talked about our last dates / relationship. The thing with my last casual / semi serious date is that it was with another american girl. I explained all this as honest as i could and explained i didnt have an 'american girl fetish' or anything...its just co-incidence how things have worked out.
She on the other hand has only has 2 serious relationships and says she has never been the sleeping around / casual dating type..which i truly believed...she has no reason to lie. Her past relationship was very abusive and she was physically harmed and it ended badly. i dont know whether this is a result of that, but she can be a very insecure person and often needs constant reassurance id never hurt her, or cheat on her..etc etc. an im more than willing to do this everytime its needed as i truly love her and feel sorry she went through her bad past.
anyway, after we got it all out in the open, she fully accepted what i was telling her and a month later we became serious and bf/gf.
Since then we fell truly head over heels in love with eachother and ive never felt this way about anyone before...i genuinely think (thought...seen as how shes now breaking up with me) that she was 'my one' and i told her this and she said she felt the same. ive been more romantic and done things in this relationship that ive never done before...showering her with flowers, gifts, travelling with her to the US to meet her parents and suprising her for her 30th birthday etc we've met eachothers familys and friends and everything was rosey....right up until last night
She began questioning me about the previous american girl i casual saw...asking specific times and months we dated, how serious we were...etc etc. I told her again what i told her when we first met...but played it down abit more than was actually the case, as i didnt want to make think that anything i had was as serious as what i have with her now...which is honestly the case. What i didnt know was that she'd been on my facebook page and trawled back thru all my old msgs, comments and photos between me and the other american girl, which are very 'coupley' and flirty. not only that but alot of what id wrote to her was similar to what ive wrote to my now / recently broken up with gf (english - american banter etc). She WENT ABSOLUTLY CRAZY BESERK.
saying that i lied to her, i was way more serious with her then i first said, that the dates and times i orginally said didnt match with fb dates n times (they were a month or so out here and there which i honestly didnt know...i dont memorise things like that). I told her i was sorry i didnt explain all the details about the previous relationship...and in all honesty it wasnt as serious relationship as what i have with her now. She did not and can not accept that. She says im a liar..i lied about something really important.
To make matters worse...she then trawlled through even more of my fb, looking as far back as 3-4 years ago and going through every girl im friends with. As ive stated before, i did sleep around alot had many dates...so over the last few years theres alot of fb comments, photos etc...not really on my page as i deleted alot. but theres alot on other peoples. When she saw this...how i spoke to them, how i flirted etc tec...she said she didnt feel special, nothing we had over the last 6 months was special anymore, id done exactly the same as id did with all the other girls already and that she didnt really know me anymore, or who i was...etc etc.
i pleaded with her that i told her this from the start, that it was my past, that i was ashmed of it, that i was a different person as of the last 6-8 months (basically just before i started dating her)and that id that all i ever cared about since meeting her...was her. furthermore...that i loved her and id never put as much love, romance, effort into anyone else before her. I couldnt describe enough how special she is / was to me.
She didnt believe any of it though. she kept saying i lied, i was a player, i would use her, nothing about what ive done is special, i treat her like every other girl before and that she wont be just another notch on the bed post. she the abruptly ended with me. all that in 5 hours in one night after 6 months. its been a day an ive not heard from her and dont know what to do?
Did i do anything wrong? what should i have done? what should i do now?
advice would be greatly appreciated, thanks
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I don't think you did anything wrong. I also don't think you have anything to be ashamed of. I haven't been with as many people as you have but my number isn't a minority fraction of your number either.
I'm completely up front. I tell girls whatever they want to know. If I feel judgement or disgust or insecurity I walk. I ask questions to show that I don't make such judgements myself. Well, mostly. If I talk to a girl and she's been with less than 5 I get kinda nervous about it. The lower the number the lower the chances of sexual compatibility unless her life has been a series of several year serious relationships or something.
Stop begging.
In your situation I would be pissed. She is being childish and insecure and it's entirely situational. She's throwing away what sounds like a good relationship over stupid insecure judgmental bullshit that she probably could get over if she thought it out and stopped being a brat about it.
I would agree with the suggestion below to write it out. Do not beg or cajole or beckon. The tone of further interactions... honestly you should be slightly offended. I would be. I know that you're probably desperate to get this girl back but you need to change things up on her.
You pleaded and it got you nowhere.
Hit her harder with it. Confrontation. Show her some frustration, some irritation, some offended anger. Not saying you need to yell at her, you just need to demonstrate in some quiet way that these are the things she is making you feel.
If you're not feeling them smack yourself in the head, because you should not ever have to plead for a relationship. No one should ever put you in that position and if they do you should not take to it like they're right.
She needs to hit a brick wall of "You are absolutely wrong and I'm pissed at you for even suggesting that that's the kind of person I am. You should damn well know better by now"
If that doesn't work, walk. You did literally everything you could and probably more than you should. You sound like a pretty decent person and obviously you haven't had problems finding girls who want you, so just keep on keeping on looking for someone sane to have something serious with.
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The first important step in diffusing her insecurity is to validate her concerns; they're not crazy, even if she sounds it when she's trying to express these deep fears. Understand that she wouldn't react that way if she didn't care about you a great deal. I was won back from a very similar situation. It helped that he was clear that although I wasn't his first partner, I would be his last and only from now on.
Find the message she needs to hear to reassure her that you will be true: her specialness, that you've never loved anyone this way, that you didn't hide the badness you've done in the past, because although you weren't trustworthy back then, you wanted to do things differently now because of how you felt for her. If the last American were that special, if any of them were, you'd be fighting for them, but your fighting for her.
Admit that you felt affection for the other, but then explain exactly why things didn't work out with the last woman and exactly why your gf has made you forget about her and how this new relationship makes you more certain than you were before. Show her all the ways you've grown up since your oat-sowing days. Put it in writing, tell her you love her, ask for one chance to show you're sincere in your intentions for her. It might help if you could clarify what you see in the future with her and when you see that happening, that was what mattered to me, because I wanted to start a family. The more distinctions you can draw from the past and more certainties you can give for the future, the better.
All is not lost. She just needs to know she's safe with you, that it's different this time.
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I will say that Yes, abusive relationships from the past can affect people. I know, I was in one. Verbal abuse. If the female wants to avoid it in the future to protect herself, she has to learn how to spot the warning signs and back away from such a person. Although I did that, I had something to steady and balance me, a deep relationship with God which is what kept me sane so I didn't have a low self image. Because someone treated her that way, until she is healed, she will always question what may be wrong with her, not be secure enough in who she is and her ability to attract and keep the love of a man. Whats happening is that her subconscious.. where her emotions and feelings, good and bad come from is running the show. The memories of her past influence the insecurity and thus the need to sneakily spy on your past on FB.
and interpret the information via bad programming so that even where there is nothing to use against you, she will create something out of nothing. We all know she needs to trust. Trust is one of the basics of a relationship. Without it, no relationship will ever be healthy or survive, or in her case even start. Honesty is another big part of a relationship and you decided to be honest with her.
Did you do anything wrong with her? It doesn't sound like it. You sound like a wonderful guy. But I do have some things to tell you. The way you phrased it to me here, you decided to be totally honest with her....does that mean before this you weren't always totally honest with others based on the situation? Women have intuition, an ability to pick up on things. Although hers is warped by her past right now. Other than having many lady friends and lovers in your past, have you always been the same man at core. You need to know who you are and what you stand for, your beliefs, values and morals and how it relates to what you see your role as a male is when interacting with the female that stands before you. I met my 2nd husband on line. Here is what he wrote to me that is the best example of what I can show you in his own words. I saved his letter:
What this all might mean, in relation to You:
From the start, my personal experience in this world that we share, has been in my own growth and evolvement. In regards to relationships this has translated into exploring and finding out who and what I am so I can be that to the mate that stands before me. I am no longer a child and at 47 years of age, the strength of my integrity as the male that I am to you, as a female and friend, is…
To support who and what you are becoming…
To strengthen who and what you are…
To up-hold you as no other has yet in your life.
These are neither pledges, nor commitments, I am making to you. They are in fact raw internal values of who and what I have been and I am, and have evolved from the sum total of my path of growth thus far in my life as a male.
As the masculine expression of Awareness, I have learned and I am aware of my only two real functions as a male, which is…
To initiate the creative possibilities of feminine expression of Awareness and…
To support, strengthen, and up-hold "her" and "what she brings forth."
And I look forward to finding the female who lives and breathes at this level of experience and understanding... And to begin becoming One with one another.
All of it showed me that he was a man like no other i had ever met yet. His behavior was consistant so I got to see his "raw internal values" in action on a daily basis in his life.
So figure out who you are at core so you can be showing that in action to her. Yes, you will write to her and give her time and hopefully she will take a chance with you.
Something else that might be helpful is the study of love languages. So far you have given her gifts to show your love and devotion. If her love language is they are 1 words of affirmation,
2 quality time, 3 receiving of gifts, 4 acts of service 5. physical touch
Here is one of but a few links to love languages on the web:
[Link](Mouse over link to see full location)
If yours is giving gifts, then when she gets you a thoughtful gift, it will have more impact than the other acts of love to you. If hers is Acts of Service, and yu keep giving gifts, that doesnt have the same impact and relay the message of love in a way she can really connect to. Acts of service means that you insisting on getting up to get her a refill on coffee, making dinner, doing the laundry, noticing her car is due for an oil change and just taking it in or doing it yourself...these kinds of things will then have the effect on her. I think you've spent enough time with her to figure that out.
Another thing you may want to think of pointing out to her is that some people go throughout their life looking for their soulmate. They just somehow know by intuition when they have found him/her. Until then, they go from one person to the next to the next. Not every soul does this to the extent that others do. Some are willing to settle for less or they are more selective and careful after a 2nd or 3rd relationship and really start looking for the soul mate then. A person like this will indeed change their ways and no longer have a need to go through many relationships because they have found their soulmate or twinflame as others call it. I sense this is the case with you or your heart wouldn't be breaking as it is to cause you to write to us. Yes, some men will be players for life. Most people do not change that easily. A man who is a player is not going to go through the bother to write to an advice column on how to keep the latest female in his life. His attitude will be, heck there's plenty others out there. No, the man who writes here, is truly smitten and wants to have that female be part of his life and grow old together with her.
In fact, maybe the best thing you could do is show her that you wrote in and show my answers.
If she could just trust you enough to take it day by day and not commit to long term dating or marriage at this point, then I believe she could handle it. She needs to give you enough time to prove yourself to her. What she found on Facebook means nothing. I don't always recall my stories exactly in detail either but but deep inside, my values are that I live life honestly and truthfully. It is what she finds in the future that counts. Write her and let her know of your love for her. She should ask her family what they think of you. Family don't have their hearts involved and can sometimes see more clearly than the person can. If they picked up on nothing to give them an alarm about you, then she might want to stretch herself past her fears and give this relationship a chance not a try-thats a wimpy attitude where you back out the moment you imagine something bad that isnt really there. No you give the relationship all your effort with the attitude to always work on it every day that you are together. I created a couple quotes out of my experiences, 'Happily ever after doesnt happen because you wish it so. It only happens when both parties put in maximum effort to make it so." This means her effort will be to go past the fears created by her past relationship. And no it's not a bad thing that you shared that with someone because it is very relevant to the situation and she needs to know it was done not with the intention to embarass or belittle her in any way, but out of love to be willing to do anything to get her back.
This quote is for your lady friend from another woman who knows what abuse is like:
“As with an Antique, the ravages of life upon an individual create a more precious thing in the end, giving one more character and charm, gaining the status of being precious for simply still being.” This means she has to have a talk with herself, basically her subconscious and tell herself she no longer wants to live her life like a victim or even a surviver, but she wants to choose to live as an overcomer, because anything less than that honey, is not living at all.
Good luck to you and your lady. I am sure something good can come of this if she will trust and also work on her subconscious.
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Well you already know what she's been thinking and that she's really insecure about the relationship.
You did the right thing by telling her everything up front. I do admit that it is hard to be with someone who has a wild past. But if you haven't shown anything to make her not trust you, she needs to work on that herself.
You haven't done anything wrong. You did everything right. So just give her some time. If she doesn't trust you even when you haven't done anything wrong while you were with her, then that is her own problem and she needs to fix it. You can't do anything really except be there for her and prove you love her, which you've already done.
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I give you a ton of credit for being openly honest with her. However, As much as you'd like to think she fully accepted everything you said, Sounds like she is back tracking and second guessing things. Perhaps she may feel like another rebound, Booty call or just another fling. She may be scared of being rejected somewhere down the line, Maybe she even wonders how you could still be friends with your past? I know I am the type of person who thinks if someone wants to move on then we need to leave the past the past. You should talk to her, Ask how she is feeling and what can you both do to make it better. The fact that she read your messages on facebook tells me that she has trust issues with you.
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