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Will I know it's the 'right time?'
I am 16. My bf is 19, we have been together for over 3 years. I love him very much, with all my heart. He has NEVER forced, pressured or even suggested we have sex, even though I've been 16 for over half a year. He always says, he is only ready when he is sure I am ready... but how will I know?
My mum is ok with it all, she really likes my bf, she says he treats me right. She has always said that when I am ready I will know, and as long as it is for love, and protected, she is ok with me having sex.
But how do I know? In my head it is like:
- I am scared (will it hurt? will I be good? what do I do? will i feel different after?)
- I am confused (we have done other stuff... I like the say it feels, i want to have sex)
- I am in love (I really do love him with all my heart)
But I seems to find excuses. Not excuses for other people, just excuses for me, in my own head. I don't want to regret it. Will I know?
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Want to answer more questions in the Relationships category?
Maybe give some free advice about: Love Life?
I'll take these in order of questions.
- Will I know?
Not in the way you mean. No one ever knows that they are absolutely ready for sex. What people know is they are ready to make the decision. At some point, the desire for sex is stronger than the worries about things like being ready, and you have sex.
Sex is an adult thing. Adults do not ask themselves if they are ready. They decide to be ready, and they make their decisions, and they deal with the consequences good or bad.
While you won't be an adult for a while, this kind of decision making will be something you will have to learn in all aspects of your life. Sex is no different.
- I am scared
I'll address these separately.
- Will it hurt?
Possibly. There are three very common reasons why this might be.
a) Hymen stretching/breaking. This is unavoidable but not everyone hurts from it. In fact less than half of women actually bleed their first time. Generally the pain is gone quickly if there is any at all. Nothing to worry about.
b) Size differences aka he is big and you are not. The vagina is very stretchy. It's made to handle babies. But that said it can hurt if he is large and you are tight. The two solutions to this problem are excitement and lubrication. Excitement is simple, more foreplay and more relaxation. If you try and it hurts, take a minute and relax, go back to foreplay, and get more excited. Lubrication is pretty simple too. The more excited you are the more lubricated you are. But if you need or want some help, use lube. The best lube is lube. Wal Mart has astroglide. Suck it up and take it through the check out.
c) Lubrication. You can have no problems with size but still not be wet enough, and the friction is enough to hurt. Being anxious can do this. Anything that dampens your excitement can affect it. But also some women are just not as wet or take longer to warm up.
So use lube.
- Will I be good?
No. More than likely not. That's ok. Sex is a skill. It involves learning. Part of the reason people emphasize relationships over casual sex to teenagers is that sex can come with mistakes and awkwardness. If you're with someone you know loves you, you can elbow them in the face by accident and kill the mood and laugh about it until your assorted body parts stop hurting enough to be into having sex again.
Google has a ton of instructions for you. There are millions of pages that will tell you in detail how to perform all kinds of sex. There are videos that will show you how. But when you get right down to it the most important things are the most basic.
- Will I feel different after
Yes and no. Sex doesn't change who you are. But there is a very common perspective shift. Before you have it it's this big built up thing. It is very common after to wonder what you were so worked up about. If the sex is good, you wonder why you bothered waiting so long. If it's not, you think "really, all that build up over that?" and hope it's better next time.
You have not described a situation which makes me think you would regret this guy being your first.
- I want to have sex but I'm confused/scared
Entirely normal. Every bit. Liking how it feels, wanting sex, being worried. Normal.
- I am in love
Good, you should love your first partner. That's the best way.
A few extra notes.
First, your mom seems like a good mom. Value that.
Second, talk alot more. With him, maybe with your mom. I know I'm repeating myself, but seriously talking about sex is fun and communication about sex especially when you have doubts is important.
Third, if you aren't on birth control get on it before you have sex. You said protected so I won't go into the birth control lecture, I assume you are thinking smart. Make an appointment with a gyno if you don't already have one. Get on birth control if you aren't. Ignore this if you've already done all this.
Last, statutory rape. It ruins lives. Be aware of that. Your mother may like him. If that changed, she could ruin his life.
Do not talk about having sex via text, e-mail, facebook chat, or anything else. Not even over the phone. Face to face only. Do not take or accept any naked pictures and certainly do not take pictures of you two having sex. The less evidence the better. I think your choices are your own. Opportunistic District Attorneys don't care what you wanted if they can secure an easy conviction or a plea bargain. Do not tell anyone that you are having sex with him if you do. Your mother is the likely exception because she's probably going to know and you have to be able to trust someone.
Do not expose him otherwise. Find out what the age of consent laws in your area are and if you are about to violate them. It's your private life. Keep it private.
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Your b/f needs to be aware that he could wind up in prison for statutory rape, depending on the laws where you are. For his sake (if not for yours), don't do it.
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Well make sure you know the laws in your state because if something went wrong, you don't want him arrested.
Now as for knowing it's the right time, you will know.
It's good that you and your mom have a good enough relationship to talk about sex. It's good that she is making sure you are protected.
The right time is when you're in love and feel comfortable going to that level on intimacy.
Sex is different for everyone. Since it'd be your first time, it will most likely hurt. But if he does everything right, it won't be too bad. There is no really "good" at sex, especially your first time. The first time you do it, you'll just be trying things out. And as for feeling different, that's different for each person. My personal experience, I didn't feel different after at all. Some people say they do.
Just because you're in love, it doesn't mean that it's time to have sex. As long as you're on birth control and using condoms, feel completely comfortable and have no doubts then everything is fine. So take your time.
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At the end you will find a link I found some time ago answering this very same question for other young ladies. It would be a good idea for you to review the information and suggestions you will find by following this link. Those who I have given it to in the past said it was very helpful.
Before you decide to have sex with your boyfriend there is something else you must take into consideration. I know you have written that your mother approves that when you are ready for sex she will be okay with it. For as far as that goes that is all well and good.
The problem is you are a minor, below the age of consent in just about all states in the US. Your boyfriend is an adult over 18 years of age. Fact is if someone wanted to get him in real trouble the fact that the two of you are dating, even with your parents consent, can cause him to be charged with statutory rape. If you two were to be having sex then other REAL charges could be added to those of the rape charge.
At one time the age of consent was well below the age of 18 and there was a forbearance for age difference between two people dating. When the federal government enacted the no child left behind law most states raised the age of consent to 18 so that a student could not drop out of school before then. In so doing the opened up Pandora's box for a host of sexual charges against people such as your boyfriend in dating people younger than himself.
My suggestion is that you check the laws in your state to see just if any trouble your relationship could cause your boyfriend before you go any father. Will the police come looking for your boyfriend. No, someone will have to report him or he will have to fall into some other trouble with the law. This is not the type of c rime the police go looking for though when made aware of it they must investigate and place charges if the report they get is found to be true.
My suggestion to check the laws in your state falls under the heading of; "Better safe than sorry." As promised below is the link that should answer all your questions.
[Link](Mouse over link to see full location).
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Dear Asker,
Being in love is awesome, isn't it! Firstly, I'm a guy, so this might be out there. The first time I had sex I was 20 and it was with the lady I married and is now mom to our 2 kids. My wife is 2 years older than me. It has been a wonderful journey discovering life together so far, and sex has been a big part of that.
Your first worry: I could tell you that as long as you go slowly and enjoy yourself, it shouldn't hurt (apart from breaking your hymen), but you'd better ask a women about that one ;)
Secondly, confused I think indicates that it's a good idea to wait. I remember counseling a female friend who decided to have sex with her boyfriend at 17. He was a year older than her and they had been waiting a while. Afterwards, she was devastated; he left her for someone else and her heart was broken. I remember sitting with her at nights while she cried. She got over it and is now happily married, but she still regrets that night and losing her virginity is something she doesn't want to remember.
Thirdly, being in love is awesome, but why rush into sex? Sex does NOT equal love. Nor does love equal sex! It doesn't detract from the love you have if you're not having sex, despite what any friends/boys, etc tell you, believe me. If you decide to marry this guy one day, sex will be a wonderful present that you two can open together and enjoy for years to come, with no regrets at all!
My wife and I enjoy a freeing, fulfilling sex life without regrets. She's the only person who knows me like that and I'm the only one who knows her in that way. And that, to me, is wonderful! Sorry if I sound traditionalist, but old-fashioned romance is sexiest to me! Hope it helps :)
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