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I'm Worried My Engaged Sister is Still in Love With Her Ex. Any Opinions?
My sister, who we'll call Morgan, is engaged to a guy who we'll call Mitchell. They've been dating since August of 2011 and in July of 2012, she told me she was certain she wanted to marry him. She always talked like you shouldn't think about marrying someone until you've been dating them for at least a couple years.
Before Mitchell, she dated a guy who we'll call Jordan for four years. When he dumped her, she was heart broken and took until she started dating Mitchell before she quit talking about being in love with him. My family and I hated Jordan and thought he was a hopeless, needy, obnoxious, controlling, free loading party boy, which Morgan says she sees now, but sometimes it seems like she's just trying to talk herself out of being in love with him.
There are certain things that I've taken as signs of her being in love with Jordan. For example, when they were dating, somehow she, my mom, and I got on the subject of baby names and she said that her favorite boy name was Hudson. A short time later, a group of us, including Morgan and Jordan were talking and Jordan claimed to have the greatest baby name ever, which was Hudson. I knew he came up with it because she has no identity of her own. She doesn't know how to choose something for herself, so it had to have been his idea. Since they broke up, she still loves the name Hudson and hasn't gotten to like her fiancee's favorite names, which may mean nothing, but she hasn't done anything like that before. Other than Hudson and one family name, it seems like she changes her favorite names every time she talks about them and always has.
Also, when Jordan's name came up the other day at lunch, she got really mad and stopped talking for the rest of the meal. Then, she started yelling at whoever brought his name up just for mentioning him. I can't imagine being like that about an ex boyfriend who I no longer had feelings for, especially if I was engaged.
Another thing that makes me feel that she's getting married for the wrong reasons is that Jordan and almost all of her friends are either married or getting married sometime soon. I'm worried she just wants to show Jordan that she's moved on and found someone to marry too, as well as that she doesn't want to be the last of her friends to get married. I think she's worried that she's getting too old not to be married and that she's always been way more in love with the thought of being in love and having a wedding than with the actual guy she chose to marry.
I don't really like Mitchell that much either. He's okay, but he seems to want her to do everything he wants to do rather than to come up with a compromise. Like I said, she has no identity so she'll do it, but will later resent him for it if their marriage fails. Then she'll be unhappy with the way her life turned out.
I'm worried she's going to screw up her life, or that one say I'll have a bunch of nieces and nephews who came from a broken home and act like my cousin who's from that kind of home. She got pregnant in college and wants another baby, but refuses to get married out of her anger at her parents failed marriage. Her dad is the kind of dad I imagine Mitcheel being if he and Morgan get divorced. One who's more interested in his step kids than his real ones.
What should I do?
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You're in a tough situation. One of the hardest things to do is watch someone you love make huge mistakes.
You obviously can't make her do anything. The most you can do is talk to her. If you do decide to say something to her, just make sure you're not accusing her or pointing fingers at her. Just tell her you're worried about her and you don't want her to get hurt. Don't get into an argument with her and if she really doesn't want to listen to what you have to say, just be a good sister and be there for her.
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I understand your concern but when it all comes to too, You must let your sister live her life.
As hard as it is, Morgan needs to learn from her mistakes in order to grow. Telling her how to live her her life will create anger and resentment. I do agree with you, One cannot truly love if we still love for someone eles. All you can do is love a d support her. If you wish you could express your concerns in a gentle way but just bare in mind, Her life. You just be there to catch her when she falls.
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It is hard to watch a family member floundering around in their life and not seeming to progress anywhere. You could talk to all the expert psychologists and read their books and try to point out some things to your sister, but unless she is ready to change the direction of her life, and learn who she really is first and get to know her self and become a strong individual, she is not going to respond. She can nod her head and agree but she must take action or its in one ear and out the other.
know that her subconscious or Inner child where all our emotions come from is what seems affected by anger, hurt and feeling a blow to her self image from Jordan. There is too much to instruct her and teach for her to begin to even participate in her own healing. Looking into a counselor would be best for her.
We can not make a person take a better choice, choose the right path just as our Creator does not force you nor i to do the same. All you can focus on is learning and growing for yourself right now so that if and when Morgan's life crashes and burns and she finally has hit bottom and is looking for the direction back up, you can point the way. I am so sorry honey. This does not sound like any help at all because really there isnt much that can be shown to her right now unless she is asking for help to get over being so sensitive to hearing Jordans name. She isnt even questioning herself as far as i know. If she does seem to be asking for answers, suggest a counselor or self help book on getting over an old relationship. There are self help books for almost anything...ask a book store clerk.
You my dear, focus on how to hear from your higher self better, its where all the answers and guidance you need in life comes from. It sounds the same as your conscience talking to you, a feeling, impression and as you get better at it, actually whole sentences. You might want to learn to know when your subconscious is troubled by something so you can head off problems before they escalate to what your sis is gong through. Get to really know yourself and someday you'll be able to show your sister how to do the same.
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