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hopelessly in love..help
I've known this guy for about 3 and a half years, I used to be very depressed and he acted as a consular and helped me. We both started to really like each other but we didn't wanna date because we love 5 hours away so we agreed to date other people but nothing serious. We go to the same camp ground so I see him a couple times a year. Around October he calls Me crying saying his gf is pregnant (he's a virgin so she cheated on him) but his parents and hers made them get married....we tried so much to stop it but it was a fail. So he joined the army to be able to pay for and in hopes his new wife will get bored while he is gone and leave him. He is telling me that he knows we will be together some day but it all is just so hard.....what do I do :/ gone
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No one can make you or your male friend do anything you don't want to do. Somewhere along the line he learned to give away the rights to live his life for himself and gave it away to others namely his and the other set of parents.
If no one was holding a knife to him or shotgun and promising to kill him if he didn't sign a marriage certificate then he was not being forced to the point of life or death.
Perhaps he feared more being disowned by his parents because they chose to believe what they choose.
You did not mention if any paternity test was done.
CVS is done at 10-13 wks so 2 1/2 - 3 mos along. Amniocentesis is at 4 and 5 mos
If he was thinking, he would've said he wanted to wait until he could be proven father or not at 10 weeks. But when blind-sided by something like that and him grieving the news she carried someone elses kid, he wasnt thinking straight. If a test was done...they had no ground to stand on to harass him to marry. What in that case made him cave in to their demands?
Whats done is done. So he's run away once he was upset with his situation. If she does not leave him, there she'll be and there he is stuck living under the same roof with her. Actually, whats worse is that the Armed services takes seriously a dads job to support his kid...so if he's married and gets divorced while in service, they will make sure the wife or ex gets child support no matter if it was his kid or not just because they were married is good enough. They will assume he had a chance to prove he wasnt dad by paternity test so if he entered the marriage willingly, he's responsible. He'd have to check if any of the rules have changed but it happened in my family 5 yrs ago and he was stuck having to pay.
His life when he comes back therefore is going to continue to be a Soap Opera for quite some time. He is going to have to grow the balls to stand up for himself and not let someone push him around in the future. He may and he may not.
I understand how you feel about him...but you have to look at what issues are not going to just go away and can you handle that being with him.
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This is so weird.
What parent makes a kid marry a girl who has another man's child?
The other thing that's kinda odd is that you guys agreed to date other people because of the distance but he has a girlfriend? Having a girlfriend is considered serious.
So why did they make them get married?
To be honest, if he didn't want to get married, he has a choice. No one can force you to marry someone.
Anyways, if this whole situation is true, then I guess there is nothing you can do. It was his choice to go along with the marriage, and if he wanted out, he could easily get out especially if it's not his child.
As for what you do, you can sit around and wait for him but I say just keep yourself preoccupied and don't wait forever. He needs to get his priorities straight and figure out what he really wants.
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First of all this whole situation sounds a little strange to me. Do you know his parents have you met them? I don't know what parents would make there virgin son marry a girl and care for a child that's not his? Most parents are pretty sane and if their child tells them my girlfriend is pregnant with another mans baby they wont make their kid marry her, they would tell their kid to break up with her. So I don't know how much he could have tried to "stop the wedding," If he didn't even tell anyone that the kid is not his.
Have you met his parents? Do they seem like they are completely crazy and detached from reality? Do they seem like people that would force their virgin son into taking a child that is not his? To me his story has DISHONEST written all over it. Also, how old is he? He is over 18 and he's a virgin with a girlfriend? How long has he been with this girl? Most guys that are over 18 and virgins are virgins because they can't get a girl not because they choose to be virgins. I think you really need to re-evaluate how much you can trust this guy.
This is what it sounds like to me. It sounds like he and his girlfriend were having sex. OOPS! She got pregnant because they were not practicing safe sex. Their parents insist that they get married for the child and the family reputation. (both of their parents must be religious or very conservative?) Now before he knows it, his young adult hood is gone! His is married, in the army and has a child and seems like it all happened over night. He wishes he could start over. He feels like all this just happened to him and he wants to find a way to escape responsibility.
He tells you the child is not his because he doesn't want you to judge him and it's one way for him to escape responsibility. He probably really dose like you and was hoping to get to be with you someday. Now that he feels like his life changed over night he doesn't want to loose the fantasy of some day being able to be with you. So he tells you a stupid lie so even though he is married with a child you will not take him off your future "possible partner," list.
Honestly I don't think forced marriages usually work. I think they will probably split up but this woman will be in his life forever linked to the the child they had together. Maybe the two of you will be together someday but you need to get him to be honest with you. Tell him that his story sounds a little far fetched. Why would parents want you to care for someone else's child when your a virgin? Do your parents think you should father every fatherless child? If they didn't believe the kid was not his he could easily have a paternity test to tell. They can be done affordably at planned parenthood weather you have insurance or not. There is even one you can buy in the pharmacy next to the pregnancy tests!!! Seriously it's easy to prove the father of a child these days!
Tell him his story is full of holes!!! Then tell him that he can tell you the truth and you will not judge him. You genuinely care for him as a person and you are not his judge. He can talk to you even about things he's ashamed of and it's okay. If he comes clean with you then great! Be a good friend and shoulder for him to cry on, he is going through a really hard time in his life. Even if you are never together you can be great friends. Maybe you two are meant to be together eventually and friends is all you can be right now.
If he doesn't come clean with you I would probably stop talking with him. You don't want to be involved with a man that tried to deceive you so he looks perfect and flawless. Real people aren't perfect and real partners aren't either. Real partners aren't perfect but they're honest. If he can't come clean and be honest they you two never had a chance anyway. You also don't want to be with someone that renounces all responsibility and thinks they are a victim of their own life. It's just not psychologically healthy to be with people like that.
Try and see if he'll give up the "virgin victim of my life" story and get real. Like I said even if you stay close friends without romance, a good friend in a time of need is always a beautiful thing. You may need the favor returned someday when you need a shoulder to cry on or someone to confess your less honorable moments to.
Good luck honey!
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