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I've got myself into a big mess & I don't know how to handle it.
I have gotten myself into an immense mess with my studies; I make almost no effort. I don't seem to care, I can't commit. I'm lying to my parents - they don't know I dropped out of my first uni and am now doing another course in the same city and the worst part is, I vowed to myself I would work super hard this year and prove that I can do it but of course I've done the complete opposite.
I feel like I cannot tell my parents about how sad and depressed I am and how hugely disappointed I am with my life - I fear they will disown me.
Every day I wake up feeling terrified and thinking about the future makes me so stressed my heart starts racing.
I am not entirely sure I will pass this academic year, which makes me even more terrified of having to come clean if I get kicked out for not obtaining enough credits.
I am living a lie and I am struggling to stay sane - I am ready to burst into tears everytime I think about what a fuck up I am and how majorly I've ruined my own life and I am only 20 years old.
I need some words of advice. Anyone who's been in a similar situation or knows how to approach my parents - I'm going to have to come clean at some point this summer.
As a side note; I've always been average at studies. Nothing special, mostly disappointing my parents who don't seem to understand it isn't easy for me to get super high grades and succeed at everything.
If I struggle, and I tell them about it they have always blamed it on my lack of trying.
Even if I failed a small test in highschool I would instantly receive a lecture on what a disappointment I am to them and how there is no excuse for failing.
I don't know. I'm in a mess, I have nobody to help me and even my boyfriend, although loving and supportive doesn't quite seem to grasp what a fuck up in my academic life I am.
I just..wish I could restart everything with my parents support and this is what I want to tell them but I fear they will me to leave and support my own life..which I am not ready to do...
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Want to answer more questions in the Work & School category?
Maybe give some free advice about: Colleges & Universities?
Here's what I want you to do. Walk into the emergency department of any local hospital. Explain that you feel depressed and that everything in your life is a complete mess and be brutally honest with these people.
An on-call psychiatrist can diagnose your depression right there and then and put you on a treatment program of proper medication and counseling. They can only keep you 72 hours or more if they believe others or yourself can cause you harm which we've seen isn't an issue or if they feel you need to rest.
This makes you free for a bit of pressures outside and to adjust you to meds. It's not all bad you can have visitors, attend support groups but have a rest if need be. Odds are you'll walk out of the ER within a few hours though.
Armed with a diagnosis I want you to go to the head of your program at the college and tell them bluntly that you know your academics and courses are a mess and that you waited too long to do anything because you were scared of them, your family and failure.
Then indicate that life has been a mess for you until now as you were recently diagnosed with X, Y,Z and that's why your grades are in the toilet. Ask if there is anything you can do at this point to receive an incomplete so you can return once your medical issue balances out. They will have to do something for you. The depression explains the lack of desire to do anything too if that's what you have.
The other thing you should figure out is if you have had a learning disability the entire time that has made learning difficult and affected success until now. If that's a problem on top of what's going on mental-health wise than your parents nor anyone else has any reason to blast you over grades and you can get help from the school if it's a problem.
Once you know both of these things tell your parents exactly what happened with both colleges and that you are taking measures to get your life which has been hell for years because of the problem with being depressed in order and if you disappointed them you're deeply sorry but were so scared and didn't have any idea how to function.
If they don't understand that they're pretty dense as shit is happening with you that is far deeper than college or grades. Get that dealt with and your life will be on the right track.
The thing with college is that you also are probably studying something they wanted you to do and you have no aptitude or any interest in at all. What you need to do is realize that, move on and get involved when better with a program or something that really ignites a passion in you. Then you will certainly succeed.
You're only 20 and you have time to sort all this out don't worry. It may not come easy or fast as you would like but getting your health in check will lead to the success you crave. Take time for yourself to figure out who you and where you want to go. That in fact could be the best damn thing to ever happen for you. To hell with what your parents think if they don't see the issue and the solution.
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Let me guess. Your parents wished they had been able to go to college or they did attend college and drilled into you the importance of going to college, and the importance of a degree. Am I right?
"Even if I failed a small test in highschool I would instantly receive a lecture on what a disappointment I am to them and how there is no excuse for failing."
That sentence right there tells all. I am guessing they probably are footing the bill for college which yes will make them upset if you drop out. But they pushed you into this. You went along with because more than anything, you have always wanted unconditional love from your parents but feel you have to perform a certain way to earn their love. Your life and how you live it, including school or not and whatever vocation you choose, is yours and yours alone to live. No person in the world, including parents can tell you what you are expected to do and force you to do it.
There is nothing wrong with finding a job that doesn't require a degree while you think about what it is you really want to do. Are you a more creative person? For example a creative person would look for jobs (and the training for those jobs) that allow the creative side of you out. Maybe beautician, clothing design, garden design, artist, song writer, book writer, singer, actress, etc. You might want a firm idea of which way you want to go before you tell the parents.
You can let them know that even though the pay would be less, that you want a job that you enjoy.
There's a saying in life, " if you aren't having fun, you are doing it wrong. "
It could be that as a soul, you are going totally against the reason why you are here and what you are meant to do. Perhaps your lesson is to stand up for your own life and learn to not let others dictate what you do. There are many people in life who like to control others. Obviously, you dont like it and its making you sick/stressed, mentally, emotionally. The spiritually will follow as well as becoming sick physically. All those things are connected. It's not worth seeing your life go down the drain. No matter how scary making your own way in the world, sounds like its high time to ditch college and do so.
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Okay so first of all, don't be so hard on your self. Traditional school is not for everyone. Some of the worlds greatest successes were high school drop out which is much worse then a college drop out. So I think the sooner you come clean to your parents the better. This living a lie thing really sounds like it's eating you up inside.
More then your parents believing in you I think you need to believe in your self. There are many different types of learning and maybe the traditional school type is not for you. Maybe you need something closer to applied learning like a work study or apprenticeship to learn a specific trade. What do you like in lIfe? do you like fashion? Maybe cosmetology school where you get to learn by doing is something you might like? Maybe massage school? Maybe apprenticing with an artist or a musician if you enjoy or have skills in that? Think about what things you as a person like and what type of training or work study might be right for you. Do some research on the internet and brainstorm ideas.
Then take your ideas with you when you go to break the news to your parents. Remember first you have to believe that you can succeed at something. Just because traditional school isn't it doesn't' mean that you can't succeed at anything.
Then tell your parents look i'm sorry to let you down but this just is not me. It's never been me and i don't know that it ever will be something i'm good at. It makes me feel bad about myself and like i'm a failure. I want to do something i enjoy doing and that makes me feel good about myself. I've don't some research and although i'm still not sure i think..... might be my path.
Look into everything there is culinary school if you like cooking, massage if you like therapy. Finding your place in the world doesn't come easy. Most people have to fail at something so they can succeed at another.
Good luck honey
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