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is it a good or bad idea to take a 14 year old to visit someone in jail
her mother is going to prison for one year for forgery related charges. I am wondering if I should take me 14 year old daughter to visit her but I am not sure if I want her to be in that kind of environment
it has nothing really to do with the mother. She made some stupid mistakes but it was out of character so I think she just got herself into a bad situation and make some poor decisions, She also never did anything bad at all before this. Also, her mother is showing regret and no defense at what she did and has admitted to being a bad influence to her daughter so that is why I am still willing to stick by her. And I am not defending her or saying she should not serve her punishment or anything either, it is really only the type of environment. I hear also it is a hassle to get in and you don't even get much time to speak. Also, if I take her to visit she might think "mom went to jail, she has no right to tell me what to do anymore" .Which would just be a stressful thing. I even heard her express a kind of joy at her mother being locked up and having to take orders from other people. While that is understandable since she did commit a crime, since her mother has shown remorse for what she did and clearly still cares for her daughter, I think eventually it needs to be put behind us. If I do decide to take her what should I say to her beforehand?
my wife is saying that if she wants to visit let her, but if she doesn't it is fine
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I think it is from the start, her choice. Tell her that you're sure her mother misses her, and would love to see her, but at the same time will understand if she chooses not to visit. If she decides she would like to visit her I think it is important to explain to her ahead of time exactly what you said in your question. That her mother commited a minor crime and is accepting her punishment, and once it is over, she should no longer have it held over her head. Give her an analogy that she'd be able to relate to, such as "remember when you ___ and your mom ___ as a punishment for that? well when your punishment was over, and you apologized and accepted your punishment it was lke it never happened." Then explan how jail is just the adult form of being grounded. Her mother has authority over her, therefore decides her punishment for what she does wrong, while the police are the authority figure over her mother since she is an adult, therefore they get to choose what her moms punishment is. Remind her that what he mother did wasn't that serious and maybe even say her punishment might be too harsh. Again maybe relate it back to her by saying "you know how sometimes when you get punished for something you did wrong, you think your punishmentwas way too extreme for what you really did (or are being accused of doing) well that's how your mother feels now." I think the most important part f making a child understand a situation in a mature way is making it relatable to them. Otherwise they resort to the stereotype in their head to assess the situation. When she said the part about being happy that someone else was telling HER what to do, maybe just tell her "maybe it will remind your mom how it feels when she punishes you. I think if we let this go when she comes home, things might be a little different." Jail is like being grounded...the bars are just there to make sure no one leaves before they are "ungrounded." Hope this helps! :)
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This is a double edge sword type of question. Before we even go there a lot of the answer rests with your daughter.
First: Does she know her mother is going to jail and why? If so what are her feelings about her mother going to jail.
Second: Is you daughter mature enough to understand what she is going to see. This is important as you don't want to scare her.
Third: Does she want to see her mother in jail.
Now for the double edge sword part. Just because her mom is going to jail it does not mean any of her parental rights are being given up. She is still the girls mother and needs to have as much input as possible to what goes on with her daughters life while she is in jail.
Prisoners have phone privileges as well as visitation. It is through the use of these privileges that mom can stay involved in her daughters life. The last thing you want for your daughter is for her to think she has a vacation from moms authority just because she is in jail. should something come up that you would normally discuss with her mother or bow to her mothers thoughts on. That should remain the same if at all possible. You can say something like I will discuss this with mom when she call and WE will decide.
I would say you should only force your daughter to visit her mother in jail for two reasons.
First: If your daughter is feeling she has a vacations from moms authority while mom is in jail. By bringing her to visit mom just once the two of you can show your daughter that even with mom in prison you are both her parents. That the united front at home is still intact.
Second: This one is a judgement call on your part. Your daughters feeling towards her mother change from a love to more of a hate relationship. Other kids will know her mom is in jail. Teachers will do what they can to protect her in school but they cannot protect her 100%. She will most likely bare some backlash from other kids because of her moms misdeeds.
If this happens I feel she will need to speak about it with her mom. To feel moms love in a way that the jail will allow and hopefully mom can help her through this.
Otherwise let your daughter be your guide. If she wants to go with you during visitation let her. If not don't force her.
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Leave it up to your daughter. If you think she can handle it and she thinks she can handle it, then take her, if not, then don't take her.
All you have to say to her is that her mom made some mistakes but everything will be fine. She's 14, she understands what's going on.
If she doesn't feel ready to go then she can talk to her on the phone or write a letter.
Does your daughter not know her mother is in jail or something? I only ask because of the, "Also, if I take her to visit she might think "mom went to jail, she has no right to tell me what to do anymore".
Well, either way, if you take her to visit or not, she'll know her mom is in jail so she could use that whether she goes or not.
I say you should just leave it up to your daughter. Obviously, don't talk bad about her mother, just positively.
If your daughter starts talking bad about her, just sit her down and talk to her.
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No because my mom refused to take me to visit dad. She called him the bad guy. Five years later she kicks me out chosing her husband over me. I was afraid to contact dad because she convienced me he was bad since he had been in jail and it was safer to stay away. My aunt on my mom side convienced me to talk to him. A couple months later I live dad and have no contact with ma whatsoever. Please let her see her mom so she can have a mother and not be afraid of her. I don't want her to miss a chance like me.
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In my opinion, it is not a problem, especially since the one incarcerated is the child's mother, but at the same time I agree with your wife, let your child also decide, after letting her see her mother. This way she can decide whether she is comfortable in that environment or not. She is 14, so I'm sure she'll be able to decide on her own if she can handle seeing her mother in that type of setting. If not, there is always writing letters, and the occasional phone calls.
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