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Will my boyfriend ever get over it?
So me and my boyfriend have been dating since august and when we first got together I told him about something i had done. It involved me and someone not of our ethnicity. He is German and has a superiority thing going on. he will constantly bring up the fact that i done this and he tells me that is disgusts him, but then he says that its his own personal demons and that he will just get over it, that it isn't me, its him. The last thing i want my boyfriend to do is to think i am sick. besides it was before i even met him or even knew of him. He said it is what it is and that i cant change it and neither can he but it bothers him ALL OF THE TIME but he wants it to go away because he shouldnt feel like that...what should i do, he is the love of my life and just knowing he feels this way but loves me very much, it crushes me to no end. Help?
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So he's been bringing this up since August? That is ridiculous that he can hold a grudge for that long. He said he'd get over this, but it's been soo many months and he's still not over this.
He is in the wrong, not you. You were honest with him and it's good for you to tell him about your past but if he's holding this against you, he's so wrong.
He may realize he is wrong, but he's not choosing to stop. He has a choice in this. He needs to let this go or you need to let him go.
For one thing, it's wrong of him to degrade another race and it's wrong of him to make you think that you're sickening because you were involved with someone of another race.
I completely agree with Rahzie. Break up with him, you deserve better than being degraded because he has a problem.
I loved the point that Rahzie made, he is better at hating people of another race than loving and respecting you.
I hope everything works out, you deserve to be treated better.
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Phsh, Sorry but GilbertMar doesn't know everything in the book.
I am going to have say dump him. This happened before you both got together and to hold it over your head like that is wrong. It is almost April and if he can't get over it by now then he may never get over it. Find someone who trust and respects you like you deserve.
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You brought this on yourself, you told him about a past lover before you knew if he could handle it. All these people telling you anything different are wrong. Making this right may not be able to happen and I'm sure as long as you stay together you will not help him. This kind of thing is like a demon inside a person and your just waiting for it to come out and attack you. Take what you've learned here and leave, you know what he is, he may come to grips with it when he's old, but the odds are against it. People don't change because another person wants them to, they only change when THEY want to. In the mean time, you are putting yourself in danger. People can say anything, but this is not about what someone says, it is about what he believes. I know you will think about this after you rate me a one. And I hope you can get out after you see I'm right and before you get hurt. Be well dear one.
Razhie,
Sorry, but you are wrong. Her past is hers, telling someone else that she herself did this was totally unnecessary when she could have said a friend of hers did this and a waited his reaction. She did not do this to test him, but I'm not going to try to figure out why she would tell him something that for all she knew could have hurt him at a level she didn't know. You never tell anyone something like this if there is a chance of them being hurt by it unless of course hurting them is what they were after, but I would guess it was more bragging. She made a huge mistake in telling a guy something like this "when we first got together", if it was a test, why did she not drop him many months ago? She made this mistake and she needs to own it and learn from it. If you can get through our life without taking a single secret to the grave, that's great, but everyone has to realize that you may come across those secrets that you may have to take to the grave. Granted, this should not be one, but it is not something you tell someone you don't have a history with and she did. Whether or not you like this, she brought this on herself and she has to realize that she needs to end this relationship for now, because this one was doomed the second she told him this. And if he were a real man, he would have walked away from this once she told him it, he should have known he couldn't handle it. They are both adults responsible for the own mental health. I stand by my original comments and these as well. We all make mistakes and she made a big one here and she needs to learn from it. Be well.
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If I were you, I'd dump him over this.
He doesn't deserve any bonus points just because he's being honest about being hateful.
Being honest about bigotry and judgements about your sexual past doesn't make that hatefulness any less wrong.
He's degrading not just another race and ethnicity, he's degrading you. He sees you as less worthy because you didn't share his bigotry and hate when you choose a sex partner.
It's great that he also says "It's me not you." While he is judging and degrading you - but that's like the guy who says "I know I have an anger problem, my girlfriend doesn't deserve it when I punch her" but keeps on punching his girlfriend anyways!
Being honest about having a 'superiority thing' actually makes it even uglier. Being a judgmental bigot is not just who he is: At some point it is what he is choosing to be.
Don't waste your time waiting for him to change. I doubt very much from what you've said here that he actually wants too change or realizes how truly wrong he is. He is trying to have his cake and eat it to: He wants to keep you AND his bigotry, but if he wants to live an honest life and have a respectful and healthy relationship, he can only keep one.
A man who is better at hating people of another ethnicity, then at loving and respecting the person you are, is not someone to spend your life with.
EDIT: GilbertMar's first comment is disgusting to me. I couldn't possibly disagree more. You don't 'bring on yourself' someone else's bigotry and hatefulness. That shit is all on him.
You didn't do anything WRONG in telling your partner the truth about your sexual past.
It is important to be honest with sexual partners about your sexual past.
It was important to find out if he could handle the fact that you are a complete human being, with your own life, opinions, choices and past.
If you find out that he CANNOT handle it - that doesn't mean you made a mistake telling him the truth - it just means he isn't a good match for you.
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I feel that since you had this "thing" before you even met your boyfriend and he said that you could do nothing about it, then there's nothing you can do but talk to him. It's not your fault. He has to figure it out and get over it because if he loves you, he has to accept that fact and move on. What's past is past. Will he ever get over it? That depends on him and whether he's able to let it go. But I believe that time eventually heals everything.
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