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How to cope when my boyfriend shuts down
I'm 19 years old and my boyfriend is 21 years old. We have been in a relationship for 6 months, but were acquaintances for almost 3 years before dating.
In the past week, he has suffered some pretty devastating events. On Sunday, his aunt suddenly passed away and today he lost his job. After his aunt's death, he was visibly struggling. He lost interest in sex and we practically had no alone time because when we would finally get home after being out wherever we were (usually his uncle's house) he would just want to go to right to sleep. I started to feel kind of neglected.
Then today, he lost his job. Right now he has to live paycheck to paycheck, which means he won't be able to pay any of his bills like the car loan, insurance, cell phone, etc. He briefly told me what happened and he was going to his uncle's to have a few beers. So I tried to show my support by telling him that he still had me and I would stand by him. He responded by asking me to leave him alone for now. So reluctantly, I am obliging.
My problem is that I am over sensitive and over emotional. I was diagnosed with a mood disorder when I was 16 years old, so it's more difficult for me to cope with difficult occurrences in my life. I get very depressed. Because of my boyfriend's attitude change this week (which I know is probably understandable) I have felt a bit neglected. I tried to express that to him last night before the whole job fiasco happened, and he responded by saying how could I expect to have his undivided attention when he's got so much on his mind (his aunt's death). I tried to understand that by apologizing and asking for a clean slate when we woke up and he agreed.
I know that I am probably coming across as selfish, but for my own sanity I just need some advice on how to cope with him shutting down like this. He's not only my boyfriend but he's my best friend and I wish I could help him through this, but I know the men and women respond differently to stress. Men generally don't want to talk about it the way women do, so I know it's not wise to try and pressure him. But until he's ready to talk to me, or until he feels better and acts more like himself, how do I cope with feeling shut out?
Thanks.
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It's understandable that you are feeling neglected. However, he has had terrible things happen to him this week and I don't think he's really all that happy. I know you're trying everything you can do to make him feel better, but for now I think you should just try to help him as much as you can and to comfort him. He should be better in a few weeks, but for now I think this is all you should do.
~ <3
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Every person deals with things differently. I for instance head on right into them and get it solved as quickly as possible or just blow it off. If I was in his position I would have blocked it and kept moving on. That's how I work. My ex on the other hand. She would just shut down. No matter what it was she would walk away and shut me out wether it was me or something else. When ever she would do this I being the dive in head first type would try to head on into it and fix it which would just make her pissed at me and we would fight. I learned that I just needed to give her the space she wants and let her deal with it her way no matter how badly I wanted to be the shoulder she cried on or the knight in shining armor to save the day. I could not do that. I would just let him deal with it and keep offering to be there. Make an effort but don't be forceful. Let him know you care and you hurt when he does. If he pushes you away. Just back off and give him his space.
Good luck
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I know you feel neglected, and that's a natural way to feel at the moment. He has been hit with a lot of stuff this week. It takes time to get over a death in the family, if you add a loss of job to that...how awful!
Its only been a week or so. Give it time. It will take time I'm afraid. Don't give up. Try to be there for him as much as he will let you. If another couple weeks go by and he is still shutting you out, you may need to reevaluate the relationship. But I think it will be ok soon.
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He needs help.your help. Men don't like to talk about their feelings so you have to pry that shell open. You need to make him know that you are there for him. You need to show him that you are there for him.
Yet life isn't about feeling bad about yourself. He needs to move on even though of May be hard. He should look for a new job and honor the memory of his aunty.
I hope this helped. Blessed be.
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