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Advice, please. I am pregnant and he wants to end the relationship.
I am 3 months pregnant. I live with my boyfriend. He pays the rent since I don't have a job. We are BOTH on the lease, though, and I have contributed in the past when I had an income. I am 21 and he is 26. Today he said to me "You can't live here anymore. I am not your family and I am not your father." (Meaning, he thinks since he has been paying the rent by himself recently, it gives him the right to tell me to move out.) I know he has been talking to other girls online, at his workplace, and at bars. (They are in his phone text conversations and emails.) I don't know if he has cheated on me, but I do know he is pursuing other women. He has not told his parents I am pregnant and told me he has no intention of raising a baby with me. The reason he gave me is because I have not found a job since I have been unemployed, I am a college dropout, and that I have no ambitions in life. He has never expressed this until my pregnancy, and quite frankly, what does being and unambitious unemployed college dropout have to do with anything? He helped create this baby, AND DID NOT OFFER TO PAY FOR ABORTION.
Okay, so here are my 2 questions:
I KNOW ITS THE YEAR 2013 AND ALL, BUT SHOULD I BE ASHAMED THAT I WANT A TRADITIONAL MARRIAGE RELATIONSHIP IN WHICH HE IS THE "BREADWINNER" AND I TAKE CARE OF THE HOME AND CHILD? (I'M NOT SAYING I DON'T EVER WANT TO RETURN TO WORK, BUT IT HAS BEEN VERY DIFFICULT FINDING WORK AND BEING A HOMEMAKER AND MOTHER CAN BE MY "AMBITION" FOR NOW.)
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND SEE THIS PREGNANCY AS MY WAY OF "DEPENDING ON HIM LIKE A FATHER"?(I AM DEPENDING ON HIM AS A BOYFRIEND, FATHER OF MY CHILD, AND POSSIBLE FUTURE HUSBAND)(He is making me feel bad, almost like I am a gold digger, because I am living here rent free. I don't ask him for gifts, I don't ask him for anything, not even food because I am on food stamps. He is stingy with his money and I respect his decision to spend his money elsewhere, even though I RECENTLY FOUND OUT it is spent to take other women on dates or to buy other women drinks at the bar. but why is he so unwilling to pay for his baby? He has a good full time job and a bachelor's degree. AM I A GOLD DIGGER SERIOUSLY?
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Well here's one good reason not to have pre marrage sex. And I'm totally not against it. I don't mind the idea ofnot saving yourself for marriage. What pisses me off is that people think they like each other and they get pregnant. Then the guy is a lazy ass and decides 5 min later he don't want a baby, so he leaves you. Next time,get married and give it a couple years to make sure your cool withh each other' and let the magic happen.
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I understand your frustration and I am sure I would be upset by his behaviour in your shoes. He needs to realize that although he is not your father he is the father of your unborn child and it is also his responsibility to if possible keep a roof over that baby's head and the person carrying it, it is just being decent.
Yes this particular world we live in doesn't care much for marriage either way and it isn't the answer and I certainly wouldn't want to marry a man I did not trust, who treated me in such a manner and had no regard for my feelings, pregnancy is a rough time for women without worrying about somewhere to live.
My advice would be a cooling off period and sending him occasional messages about the progress of the baby and very little else once you have found somewhere to stay. I'm not saying leave him just keep your distance so that you don't get upset and possibly cause distress to the baby and explain that to him. It isn't just you he is affecting with his decision.
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He doesn't have to want to marry you. He doesn't owe you that. It's very nice that you want a traditional marriage. He doesn't want that with you, and he's not required to give it to you. The only thing to be ashamed of, is if you fail to recognize that, respect it, and make other plans for yourself (perhaps, with someone else who wants what you want from life.)
You should have spoken to him about these things before you started having unprotected sex with him. You are just as responsible for that as he is. You didn't plan your lives together, talk about your ambitions and shared goals. You got pregnant and then assumed you could just have the life you wanted. Unfortunately, that isn't the life HE wants.
He not your future husband, and he is not your boyfriend. If he doesn't want to be those things, then you can longer depend on him for that degree of support. It is 2013, and what that does mean is that no one has to stay in a relationship that they don't want to be in, even if there is a baby on the way.
Now you need to find out your options and make other plans. Call your family and friends, find a place to stay, and connect with a support network for single mothers. You may be on the lease, but if you aren't and can't contribute to rent you won't have much defense in court. If you take him to court over that lease, you'll just end up owing even more money in the end. Besides, you don't really want to go on living with your ex who is chasing other women, do you? So, you'll need legal support, so you can get the financial help from your ex that the child is entitled too, and you'll need advice on how else to make ends meet while you have a newborn.
Get out of your fantasy world. The reality is that this guy owes you child support and civility, nothing more. Although it would be better for the child if he choose to be in it's life as a father, he's not legally obligated to do so. And he is definitely not required to marry you or support you in the same home if he doesn't want to.
For your own sake stop fighting for a relationship that is already gone. For the sake of your child, wake up and start looking for help from family, community groups and the state. If you can't support yourself, that is where you need to turn.
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I would tell him where to go and move back home with your parents. He deeply resents you and is using this to blame you. He's not a nice guy and messing with other women behind back.
You may not be paying rent and dependent on him temporarily but he knew that before he invited you to live with him. Don't abort the baby as it's not the child's fault his/her birth father is a jerk who won't take responsibility.
It may be hard but you can raise it yourself with support from family and get your work and education sorted out from there. Also get your parents to hire a lawyer and threaten him to pay child support or sign over the rights to be legally termed its father.
The baby may be the blessing of a lifetime for you and bring you great joy and your family too the whole job thing and money issues seem bleak now but can change. Get your parent's support and let them know what a real ass this guy is. It will all work out but you need to end the relationship with him and not let him see the kid later as he refuses to acknowledge any responsibility.
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