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My boyfriend is always "appreciating" other girls. Is that bad?
18/f
I was just wondering, how much looking would be considered over the top in a realtionship? Because my boyfriend is very attentive to the way other girls look physically. He told me he likes to "appreciate". At first i was like, he's a guy. Obviously he is going to look. But he was full out staring at all the girls in their bikinis when we went on vacation together. I love him with every aching bone in my body, and I know he would never ever cheat or do anything to hurt me. But the way he stares like that can be really suggestive sometimes and might give the wrong idea. He recently went off to college and he has been making a lot of friends that are girls, and i just asked him how much looking he actually does and he told me openly that he does it a lot. We are best friends as well, which is why he tells me all these things haha. But i still can't help but feel like it's a slap in the face to my self esteem. It's not like he would ever do anything, all he does is look. But sometimes he even does it in front of me and i have to admit, it really hurts. Sometimes he'll even talk about it, which is kind of worse in a way. I understand he's comfortable with me, as i am with him. But even though were close doesn't mean i want to hear everything. Some things are better left unsaid.
I just need opinions on whether what he's doing is over the top or not. Thankyou!
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Hey its not necessary to break up with him just talk it out with him and tell him it hurts when your turning your neck so far around it could break just to check out another women and if he continues play him at his own game for a while when his talking pretend you can't hear a word get up and go greet some other guy if that ticks him off tell him you giving him a taste of his own medicine you can't be with a guy that's hurting you a man should make other women jealous of his girl not his girl jealous of other women so good luck hope all goes well. Jesse XOXOXXX
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The natural fact is this: the human brain doesn't mature until about age 25. So what is gong on is that one's preferences evolve a lot over time and what he may like at 18 he may not like at 25. That is why getting tied down at your age is not recommended. Generally speaking, people who don't have that exploratory phase of their life (such as dating around) very much regret it.
As for you personally, it's not that he doesn't find you attractive, it is him wondering if the grass may be greener somewhere. For someone with very little life experience, and that is what teenagers generally are, that kind of curiosity is understandable and inevitable.
The contradiction in the teenage mentality is that because of their innate insecurity, teenagers crave more than anything else predictability while still wanting to stretch out and explore. So you want a relationship you can depend on since your own sense of self really isn't fully formed yet and so much still seems so uncertain in life to you.
Then you have the tendency of women to compete with each other. Women HATE to lose and, in fact, often take great joy in tearing boyfriends from other girls.
Consequently, you aren't going to like my recommendation, which is to break up with him. Listen, if it's meant for you guys to stay together then you can resurrect the relationship at some future time after you've had a chance to sample what's out there and grown up some. Having a greater range of interactions with the opposite sex is necessary as part of the maturation process and helps one hone and solidify in their minds what people want in lifetime partners. So see this as just a fact of life, because it is, and call it a day. I mean, who needs the stress, right?
Finally, try to look at it from his perspective: he hasn't done jack, as far as you know, to be accused of cheating. The guy isn't your personal possession and you aren't his. Yet, because you've become completely paranoid about this issue (since women overthink EVERYTHING) you are accusing him of having one foot out the door when there so far has been no evidence to support that. There is the possibility that the guy may be a bit of a boor or a yahoo and/or he is ogling these girls in such a flat out obvious way as a passive aggressive way to send the message to you to not get out of line or he will indeed kick you to the curb. Or he is merely testing you to see how much of a pain in the ass you would be if he decides to, down the line, subscribe to Maxim or Playboy or whatever about him looking at other chicks. His eyes don't belong to you, they belong to him.
So if you insist on trying to keep things going, you have to sit down with him and tell him how you feel when he does what you perceive to be going over the line in checking chicks out in a way that is non-accusatory and doesn't make you sound like just another pain in the ass neurotically jealous girlfriend. That is about your only resort short of a breakup.
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If it's bothering you, he should respect you more. He doesn't have to look. He thinks he's allowed to because he's a guy. That's a horrible excuse. Everyone, male or female has choices about what they do in their lives. Talk to him and tell him that you don't care if he looks because you know he will, but that you want him to be less obvious about it. It's fine if he looks as long as you can't tell that he's looking. Tell him that it's really obvious when he does it and it's embarrassing to you. If you notice it, other people will too. He is not only making you look ridiculous, but he's making you feel ridiculous too. He can absolutely take it down a notch. If he can't do this for you, you need to seriously consider breaking up with him. What he's doing isn't that horrible, but it is a huge sign of disrespect especially after you tried to talk to him about it. He's hurting your feelings and he doesn't care because "he's a guy". There are lots of guys out there that don't do this. If he's disrespecting you now, he'll do it again down the road about something else. If you allow him to use this excuse in this situation, he'll learn that it's an acceptable excuse to use for anything and you'll hear it again and again throughout the course of your relationship. Put a stop to it now. If he just doesn't get it after trying to talk to him again, you should start doing things that he doesn't like and tell him, "what do you expect, I'm a girl". That should get his attention. Once you get the point across, talk about how when you're in a relationship you have to make sacrifices and changes because it's not just you anymore, you're making yourself responsible for someone else's feelings too. You can't be selfish when it comes to reasonable requests if you really care about the person. Good luck!
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How much is over the top? As soon as it starts to bother you.
There is no scale. Sometimes, it bothers people. Sometimes, it doesn't.
But if it bothers you, then speak to him about it. Communication is key, and although it sounds like an awkward prospect, it has to be done.
Just sit him down, and explain how it makes you feel.
Good luck.
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