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Is this mental abuse? I feel broken but I love him.
I'm completely out of answers with a current problem and I'll try to be brief yet give enough detail necessary.
I have been clean off of drugs for 10 months with the help of Narcotics Anonymous meetings. I met the man that I am currently involved with in the meetings and after a casual friendship we took it to the next level. At the beginning, we had what I would consider to be the perfect relationship; we loved each others company, never argued or had conflicting opinions, etc. He is the single most genuinely chivalrous man I've ever met.
After about a month together, he relapsed in his recovery for the first time and it was a stressful day, however, I mainly felt bad for him because of his struggle. We quickly got back to where we were and he restarted with his program. On the third time this happened, it really started to affect me. He has 2 children (whom adore me and I, them) from a previous marriage, an unsupporting ex-wife (who gives him the drugs in the first place), and a lot of pain from feelings of failure from having to give up the life he'd worked years for (the house, family, cars, etc.) and also from losing his father tragically a few years back.
I know these things bother him daily and I know that he desperately wants to get and stay clean but my feelings towards him and our relationship have completely changed. I've become very stressed and sometimes go as far as really just not wanting to spend as much time with him as I used to.... I truly love him very deeply, and so does my family, but when he gets himself into these moods of extremes self loathing, we fight like mad and have actually begun this chain of breaking up and getting back together withing a span of a few hours.
I told him that I never wanted to be in a relationship like this.. I need stability and I really expected it because of our mutual love but he just delves so deep into depression at times that he leaves me to "save me from him." It's just killing me inside.. I feel like my heart just breaks for him, just completely shatters and I have no idea what to do...
I love him so much but part of me wonders if this is a type of (and I hate to even say this) abuse.. It mentally wears me down. I truly think he may be bi-polar because of his EXTREME mood changes. One day everything is literally perfect, and the next, just absolutely awful.
I don't know what I need right now... I don't know if it's help, advice, suggestions... I just need someone to talk to about this.
I thank anyone that takes the time out of their day to help me by reading this and know that I truly appreciate it.
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Maybe give some free advice about: Abusive Relationships?
The first thing I think you need to do is talk with your sponsor. My brother in-law is 25 years sober and a member of AA. If he was to be writing this I believe he would tell you that you are too early in your recovery to subject yourself to relationship problems. I believe part of the 12 step program you follow covers this as well.
While it is good that you are sober and have managed to remain sober through all this with your BF. The stress of this relationship, I believe, could have adverse effects on your recovery. I agree you two need a break. I very much would like you to talk with your sponsor as well.
Now your boyfriends ex wife is his enabler, based on what you say. Because of the children he has to have contact with her if he wants to see his children. There is a remedy for this but first he has to get sober and remain sober.
Once he is sober he can contact social services and ask for their help in seeing the children. They can arrange for the children to be brought to them and for him to pick them up there without having contact with his ex wife or Social services will bring the children to him after picking them up from the mother. This is the better way as it allows social services to inspect the children's living conditions on a regular basis.
If the mother is abusing drugs and social service can prove this, they can also void any court order concerning physical custody of the children and place the children with him, if they feel it is safe, or with a relative while still allowing him visitation.
Now as to whether he is bi-polar or simply deeply depressed. I'm not a doctor so I can't say. What I can say is he needs to be screened and properly cared for. There are drugs for either problem that are not narcotic or subject to abuse.
My advice is that the two of you do separate. That you encourage him to see a doctor and be properly diagnosed for depression if that is in fact what he is suffering from. To my mind being properly diagnosed and treated for depression can only aid in his recovery. While he is recovering he can ask for help in seeing his children and keeping them safe from social service, child protective services is who he should contact.
I would also recommend you consider finding a good therapist. Someone you can speak openly to who will keep your confidence. I know your sponsor will keep your confidence but a good therapist is also trained to help you in ways your sponsor is not.
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I'm sure it's very hard on you, but it doesn't carry many signs of being mental abuse - something he is doing to you. You know what has happened here: He abused drugs - he's doing it to himself and you've chosen to come along for the ride.
If you don't want to continue like this, you need to break up and stay broken up. It's not rocket science. You know he can talk a good game, but you also know he hasn't been able to follow through on the talk.
If you do stay with him, you need to stop trying to diagnose him. You don't have all the information or expertise to do that, and more importantly that kind of behavoir is the death of respect and compassion in a relationship. Yes, he needs to see a mental health professional to talk about his experiences and issues, but he needs to do that with an open mind, not with the label his girlfriend has given his problems or a direct request for medication. Those are the kinds of choices he should be making with his doctor, not with you, and the vast majority of medications used to treat mood disorders are not narcotics, and it's unlikely that any doctor (if he is honest with them, and he should be) would give him a narcotic.
Encourage him to seek help because you both know he needs it. Leave your layman's diagnosis out of the equation.
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Getting into a relationship while trying to recover is a bad thing. In fact I think the rule of law is you need to wait at least one year before getting involved? With that said you need to worry about yourself and your health first and foremost. If what he is doing is effecting you mentally and emotionally then you need to seperate. You being with him is not only harming you and your full recovery but him and his as well. As for him being bipolar he needs to see a doctor about that asap as it very well could be what causes him to break his sobriety and there are pills out there for bipolar disorder that can help without causing harm or dependancy. Look into it if you wish to remain with him asap.
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I'm going to be a bit blunt
You met him at Narcotics Anonymous. This man was there because he is trying to recover from a problem of being a drug addict.
Now to spill the beans, Probably not the best place to get involved with someone. If you want stability in your life then you should find someone who is not trying to recover from things. You are there to help yourself, To ween away from the problem. While his problem still consist and will do nothing but drag you right back down again. We can care deeply for someone but you need to put yourself first, Focus on your recovery. You will never truly start a new beginning in life as long as you allow things to be in your way. Maybe this man is a genuine guy but his habit is toxic and he is not stable at this point in his life. Right now I think you may want to move away from the drama and meet someone who will have a positive influence on you.
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