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Why do I constantly think about suicide instead of trying to deal w/ shame
Don't worry, I'm not going to do it, as the cons greatly outweigh the pros, and I know suicide is a permanent solution for a temporary problem. but ever since I've put myself in more stress the more I think about it. I don't even have any methods planned or anything, it's just when I feel really sad and ashamed I want to just melt into the ground and not be seen, and not try and reach out for help. i've started seeing a therapist but I hate how it's only once a week, I feel like I have so much to get off my chest. I think all my problems revolve around me being a perfectionist, so it's like because I haven't been perfect I don't deserve to exist. I'm so much harder on myself than others. I accept others when they fail but I feel like I need to be extremely successful when I'm older, and know that I can, but being a perfectionist just gets in the way because it immobilizes me, makes me procrastinate, and then makes me feel guilty. it's an endless cycle. it's so hard to break out of it, and i know it's wrong but I still feel like I have to do even do more perfect work to make up for my f*** ups in the past. it's like i'm trapped in a hell of my mind. why can't i just let the past go so I can start working on reaching my dreams? why am I doing this to myself when it's stupid and doesn't get me anywhere? I want to be a high achiever instead of a perfectionist, so I can accept my mistakes and still work hard. but how do I do this? I still have many perfectionistic tendencies..
sometimes I'm afraid of a loss of control, though. like i have to go to the bathroom before going anywhere, like the bus or in a car, or i'll have anxiety over suddenly needing to use the bathroom. and train stations scare me cause i'm afraid something will make me want to run and jump on the tracks.. i don't know why i'm afraid of this when it's never something i'd want to do and yet it's like i'm afraid of myself. i also put walls between me and most people. one benefit is that they aren't close enough to really hurt me at my core, but the cons are a lot worse as it's prevented me from having meaningful relationships, really, if i can't even trust others with my problems. i like to help out others and am open minded with them and yet i think they'll think negatively of me and leave me if i tell them my closest feelings. ugh why have i allowed myself to be this stupid. i wish i could just snap out of it, maybe if i did a long time ago my teenage years wouln't have sucked so bad and i'd actually be going to a great college right now on full scholarship. now im going to community college and i want to transfer later with great grades but i need to get a drive to do it and believe in myself or i'll just end up doing the same BS I've been doing in high school. i know i'm smart enough to do well in this world, but how can i get out of my rut??
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If only things can be as easy as "snapping out of it". But it's not.
I don't think you really understand what you want. Is it to be successful? Or to find the courage to trust others? Because to be honest, even if you did get to go to a good college and have great grades, I don't think it'll help you with your anxiety.
You said you're smart enough to do well in this world, but I don't think you understand what that means. Lots of people are successful, rich and famous, but that doesn't translate to doing well. Being smart isn't going to cut it. You have to be brave enough to trust others, that way you'll be able to have good relationships. You have to be strong, so you can accept the things you can and can't do and move on from disappointments. And so many other things.
But let's break it down: right now, what you need is love. You're a perfectionist, so you're hard on yourself, and that's fine. That'll be your advantage in the world of work, but in life? It'll get you nowhere. What you need to understand is that you're not perfect, you can't be perfect, and no one (except yourself) expects you to be perfect. You're open to others' failures and flaws, why is it so hard to accept your own? Maybe it's self esteem? Or more likely, a lack of belief in yourself. And that's not stupid, that's completely normal. What you need to do is to accept this. Some learn on their own, some need to be taught. True, it's hard to tell someone your real feelings, but you have to be brave and take the risk. People do it every day.
Everyone has their moments of weakness. Sometimes, despite having a wonderful life with people who love me, I feel this gnawing loneliness inside. But I don't shy away from it. Instead I let it pass, reminding myself of all the good things I have (in your case, the good things you can have, in the future) and I'll be okay again.
Some people are solitary so maybe you'd rather get through those moments alone, but it'll help a lot to just know someone is there waiting if you ever do need someone.
It's going to a long journey for you, but please never stop believing in yourself and in your future. Look forward to the experiences and friends you'll one day have, and the happiness you've always deserved, even if you didn't realize it yet.
I wish you all the best, and I hope this helps.
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Ditch the therapist. This person isn't remotely qualified despite their efforts to provide you with the support you really need. What you need is a psychiatrist to treat you.
While I cannot say what mental illness you may have what you have told us about anxiety, perfection, and suicidal thoughts definitely falls into that category. This is especially so as these thoughts are constant on an endless internal record functioning as your own thinking but is a disease nattering at you trying to convince you of it.
What I want you to do tonight is go to an emergency room. Tell them that you are overwhelmed, have severe anxiety about certain issues and thoughts of suicide that you won't act on but is always constant. They will assign you a psychiatrist who will assess you and start proper treatment.
Do NOT put this off as it will get worse in intensity if you do. They may keep you 72 hours to determine treatment and just observe your overall behavior. I wouldn't fret over that as they're keeping you in a 100% safe environment and letting you, your mind and your body have sufficient enough rest.
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I'm going to second Zane, but add another possibility: OCD.
I know, everyone knows OCD as the "counting" problem. Touching things even numbers of times, turning the lights on and off, washing your hands. It's not just that.
My main symptom of OCD was extreme perfectionism in myself. Example: it takes me forever to do homework by hand because if I make a mistake and have to erase it I need to start over on a new piece of paper because it's already "too messed up". A mistake can be anything from sloppy writing to an incorrect answer to untidy arrangement of the answer. Another example: even as a child, I wouldn't hand in homework. My mother said that she once went into my desk and saw dozens of completed homework assignments that weren't handed in. Why? Because I didn't think they were good enough. I still do the same thing today, although with counselling I'm getting better. It comes across as procrastinating, but it's more than that.
So yeah, OCD is definitely something to look into. Treatment varies from medication to cognitive behavioural therapy, which teaches you to practice mindful thinking. They get you to think before acting each time, and eventually it gets easier to make decisions. You can even try looking it up and working on it at home!
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I used to be similiar to what you're describing. I judged others favorably, and didn't mind when they weren't perfect, but I was really tough on myself and it drove me crazy. I think you should get more help than seeing a therapist once a week, and start working on improving your self esteem. It took me a long time until I've reached the level of accepting my imperfections and actually embracing it. Here are some tips that really helped me. First of all, no one is perfect, and we can't always have it together. You also need to believe that you are already wonderful, without changing anything. Embrace your awesomeness, and write down things that make you special. Try putting on your favorite dress and perfume, apply makeup and make your hair nice. Looking great makes you feel great. Make some pictures, and save them for a day you're feeling down. Look how beautiful you are, and start to feel beautiful inside. The Woman's World magazine has two incredible sections "a moment for you" and "seven days of inspiration" which really brings out the uniqueness and beauty in everyone. I find it very helpful, and you may too. Start applying compliments you give others to yourself. In the beginning your brain will protest, but eventually it'll start accepting it, and you'll feel much more confident. You might have to be put on medication, and you'll be surprised how you'll become a new person! Sometimes you don't even know what your missing! Good luck! Take care of yourself and feel better :)
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Hello,
Have you ever been diagnosed with any of these?
Depression, Anxiety or bipolar disorder?
The reason I ask is because people who think along the along the lines hopelessness, worthless or even suicide tend to have one of the following. Don't quote me as I am not a doctor but it is a known fact that mental disorders also seem to have a connection with suicide or if someone has a history of any sort of abuse.
Therapy unfortunately isn't a cure to our problems. It is a step towards working towards them but it isn't a magic wand. Sometimes it can take months before we start to see an improvement with any sort of counseling. If you feel you have many worries or things on your mind a great option is to keep a journal. I have been writting for years and it seems to be the best medicine. When you see your therapist then it gives you the oppertunity to go over anything you'd like to share or talk about. Honestly? You sound just like me! And I can tell you it gets better. Therapy comes with time
When you get a minute relax, If you are into it join a gym. Not sure if you have one but Planet Fitness offers a decent price of $10 a month. Exercise will help level you out even if its a 10 minute walk a day. ;-)
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