Member Since: May 25, 2012
Answers: 9
Last Update: May 25, 2012
Visitors: 1323
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would they hate them for it, or think that they hate them, and stop trying to become friends with them? i've just realized i've done this and i think it's the reason why i haven't had really close friends throughout my life, and i'm 18. like people take an interest in me right when they meet me and then the interest dies down and then they stop talking to me and then i end up feeling hurt and like i can't trust them when maybe it's cause i've been putting up a wall, subconsciously stopping them from really getting close to me, and causing a self fulfilling prophecy - that they're going to leave me. but i just feel afraid and i feel like i can't talk to anyone, so i started seeing a therapist about it. it's really embarassing for me to say personal things like that cause i think it would make someone just write me off and not want to be friends with me.. but at the same time not telling someone my problems also doesn't allow us to be close. so i just feel all mixed up with regret and more anger at myself for doing this and not being strong enough to be confident and accepting good and bad responses to someone truly seeing the true me. it's just.. that i'm ashamed that i've let my depression cause me to do bad in school, when i'm a perfectionist, and once again, feel like someone will not wanna associate me for putting myself in this situation. this is all a mess, sorry. the only places i can truly spill everything out are on anonymous sites like this and to my therapist, who i just started seeing today
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I wouldn't hate you for it.
What you need to understand is that what you're feeling? It's okay. Sometimes we feel like we are being judged so what we do is we hide our true selves, hoping that they wouldn't "write us off" or do anything else that can hurt us, when really all we're doing is not giving them a chance to do anything, good or bad.
You're right, it is hard and embarassing, but always remember that it's not your fault. If people don't give the time and effort to get to know you, to break down your wall, maybe they're the ones not worth getting to know.
However, it also wouldn't hurt if you tried to make an effort, if you really feel that it is your fault.
Strength and confidence-it's what everyone wants, isn't it? What everyone tries to exude, in order to show people that they're fine, that they're happy. Both of these come from experience. And since you've never really been hurt because of your wall, how can you gain it? It takes time to become these things, you won't suddenly just have it like magic. It doesn't work like that.
The truth is we're all messed up sometimes. We're human, that's how we are. We are not perfect. Which is why relationships are such a risk-what if they make a mistake? What if we do? What then? Well, that's where the strength and confidence comes in. As you face trials and hardships, you understand both yourself and the other person better, therefore making the relationship stronger and gaining confidence in both yourself and the other person.
It's okay to feel ashamed, but really there's no reason to be. At least you know that putting up a wall isn't going to fix anything, and that it's a problem. A lot of people think it's a solution.
I wish you all the best and I hope this helps.
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how can i drive myself to move on and be motivated to reach my dreams when no matter how good i become i'll just be alone. doesn't matter if i get straight As or fail. i want to help others, because i think i am good, but why should i feel like helping others when they don't even truly care about me? always alone, while everyone else hangs with their friends, sharing fun high school memories. and then when i don't do anything, and don't reach my high expectations, because i don't have the fuel to progress, the guilt wears me away until i dissolve. and then everybody acts like they didn't see it coming. i only find true love, understanding, and acceptance from music, but i can't take a record out for a movie. if friendship is so difficult how could i even find romantic love, when i crave that also. crushing on a guy everyday, but not being able to do anything about it. he wouldn't really want someone like me. i guess if you saw me you wouldn't know what's hidden under my plastic smile, and nice clothes, cause if you did you'd probably just run away to someone else not as f***ed
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First of all, let me congratulate you.
Some people dont understand that the meaning of a good life isn't reaching their dreams or becoming rich, it's being with people and loving them. That's how you become happy. Some take their whole lives to realize this, others never do.
But you know all that.
Okay, so. relationships.
One thing you need to understand is that if you want someone meaningful, you're gonna have to be patient. Friendships and relationships find meaning over time, after years of memories have been made. Sometimes they don't even work out. But you have to move on from those and have faith that there IS someone out there who's willing to love you and accept you for who you are. It took me a while to meet my friends, and then years after that to completely trust them. That's okay.That's how it works. Don't feel bad if some people don't fit your standard, because that's the way you are.
Another is that crush you have? You mentioned he wouldn't want someone like you. That means that you don't think you're good enough for him, which most likely stems from your own disappointment at yourself. Don't do that. You're not f***ed up, you're just human, and none of us are perfect. But what we can be is better-we can be strong. We can face hardship and disappointment, and not let it discourage us from working harder. From doing better. We can be brave, loving, caring, so many things. You already are, you just haven't found people to show it to.
I wouldn't run away. In fact, I'd probably come running and embrace you, thinking "God, she's just as insecure as me," cause the truth is, we all want to feel loved and we all sometimes think we're not good enough for it. But we are. And the sooner we accept that, the better our life will become. People are always attracted to strength, you know. They crave inspiration and motivation. What they don't know is that the best place to get it from? It's themselves.
Don't be afraid to get hurt. If someone turns out not to love you as much as you thought they did, it's their problem, not yours. Don't be afraid to put yourself out there and love and get hurt. After all, how will you be able to find them if you don't look in the first place?
I wish you all the best and I hope this helps.
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Don't worry, I'm not going to do it, as the cons greatly outweigh the pros, and I know suicide is a permanent solution for a temporary problem. but ever since I've put myself in more stress the more I think about it. I don't even have any methods planned or anything, it's just when I feel really sad and ashamed I want to just melt into the ground and not be seen, and not try and reach out for help. i've started seeing a therapist but I hate how it's only once a week, I feel like I have so much to get off my chest. I think all my problems revolve around me being a perfectionist, so it's like because I haven't been perfect I don't deserve to exist. I'm so much harder on myself than others. I accept others when they fail but I feel like I need to be extremely successful when I'm older, and know that I can, but being a perfectionist just gets in the way because it immobilizes me, makes me procrastinate, and then makes me feel guilty. it's an endless cycle. it's so hard to break out of it, and i know it's wrong but I still feel like I have to do even do more perfect work to make up for my f*** ups in the past. it's like i'm trapped in a hell of my mind. why can't i just let the past go so I can start working on reaching my dreams? why am I doing this to myself when it's stupid and doesn't get me anywhere? I want to be a high achiever instead of a perfectionist, so I can accept my mistakes and still work hard. but how do I do this? I still have many perfectionistic tendencies..
sometimes I'm afraid of a loss of control, though. like i have to go to the bathroom before going anywhere, like the bus or in a car, or i'll have anxiety over suddenly needing to use the bathroom. and train stations scare me cause i'm afraid something will make me want to run and jump on the tracks.. i don't know why i'm afraid of this when it's never something i'd want to do and yet it's like i'm afraid of myself. i also put walls between me and most people. one benefit is that they aren't close enough to really hurt me at my core, but the cons are a lot worse as it's prevented me from having meaningful relationships, really, if i can't even trust others with my problems. i like to help out others and am open minded with them and yet i think they'll think negatively of me and leave me if i tell them my closest feelings. ugh why have i allowed myself to be this stupid. i wish i could just snap out of it, maybe if i did a long time ago my teenage years wouln't have sucked so bad and i'd actually be going to a great college right now on full scholarship. now im going to community college and i want to transfer later with great grades but i need to get a drive to do it and believe in myself or i'll just end up doing the same BS I've been doing in high school. i know i'm smart enough to do well in this world, but how can i get out of my rut?? (link)
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If only things can be as easy as "snapping out of it". But it's not.
I don't think you really understand what you want. Is it to be successful? Or to find the courage to trust others? Because to be honest, even if you did get to go to a good college and have great grades, I don't think it'll help you with your anxiety.
You said you're smart enough to do well in this world, but I don't think you understand what that means. Lots of people are successful, rich and famous, but that doesn't translate to doing well. Being smart isn't going to cut it. You have to be brave enough to trust others, that way you'll be able to have good relationships. You have to be strong, so you can accept the things you can and can't do and move on from disappointments. And so many other things.
But let's break it down: right now, what you need is love. You're a perfectionist, so you're hard on yourself, and that's fine. That'll be your advantage in the world of work, but in life? It'll get you nowhere. What you need to understand is that you're not perfect, you can't be perfect, and no one (except yourself) expects you to be perfect. You're open to others' failures and flaws, why is it so hard to accept your own? Maybe it's self esteem? Or more likely, a lack of belief in yourself. And that's not stupid, that's completely normal. What you need to do is to accept this. Some learn on their own, some need to be taught. True, it's hard to tell someone your real feelings, but you have to be brave and take the risk. People do it every day.
Everyone has their moments of weakness. Sometimes, despite having a wonderful life with people who love me, I feel this gnawing loneliness inside. But I don't shy away from it. Instead I let it pass, reminding myself of all the good things I have (in your case, the good things you can have, in the future) and I'll be okay again.
Some people are solitary so maybe you'd rather get through those moments alone, but it'll help a lot to just know someone is there waiting if you ever do need someone.
It's going to a long journey for you, but please never stop believing in yourself and in your future. Look forward to the experiences and friends you'll one day have, and the happiness you've always deserved, even if you didn't realize it yet.
I wish you all the best, and I hope this helps.
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And how I could have done things better, so I wouldn't be this stressed out and unhappy. I basically have ruined my life. I feel like my life only progressively gets worse, because I allow it. I was happiest in early childhood, things started progressively getting worse after elementary school, all because I allowed it. I allowed myself to procrastinate and not participate in enough school events and have enough hobbies and that's been my downfall. I'm 18 now and i'm just so mad and I have dreams but how can I just forget the past?? but I want to but it's just so painful looking back, because as a kid I thought I'd have the typical teen experience with friends and everything and yet I didn't do that. I know some things are out of my control but I feel like I mostly could have prevented it. I just don't know how to move on even though I want to, but its like I'm just having this stupid mental block. I think this is due a lot to me being a perfectionist, and my parents basically expecting perfection even though they deny it (love is only conditional. now that i'm failing one subject they don't like me as much) and it just makes me like.. shut down, basically. i don't even have good social skills cause i've spent so much of my childhood on the computer. cause nobody really invited me for stuff and etc. and now i procrastinated applying to colleges so i'm going to community college even though my grades could have gotten me somewhere good, so now i have to do really good in CC and transfer. but i just need to get rid of this self sabotaging mindset and it's really hard cause i can't go to anyone, i dont have any best friends or anything, or even good friends. i don't think i'm this crazy weird person, i just have bad intimacy issues. i greatly fear getting close to someone and then them leaving me because they don't want to hear my problems so i keep my problems to myself. i've started going to a therapist but i hate how it's only once a week. i really hate being a human, i wish i could be more in control of my actions and not be led by emotions like I allow myself to be
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Everyone has regrets. It's human. And don't say you hate being one, cause that's what you are, that's what everyone is. We sometimes lose control. We sometimes get caught up in our emotions and do stupid things. It's normal.
I honestly think you expect too much from life. Your childhood was happiest cause you didn't really think about it. You just went out and had fun. It's not the same when you reach teenhood cause things change. What is a "normal" experience? Being popular? Having a boyfriend? Is that really how you measure the meaning of a good life?
If you want to be happy and move on, don't forget about the past. Learn from it. Accept it. Understand what you could've done to get what you wanted, and apply it to the present. You talk about being unsatisfied because of the events that happened before, but the truth is so many people go through this, sometimes they have it worse. If you want to make something out of right now, then don't be afraid to say you didn't have the best high school experience. It's okay.
I think you just want to be happy. And that's more than fine! But it won't just come to you. Make an effort. Smile at people. Be friendly. You don't have to really put yourself out there, just small steps at a time. Focus on building and nurturing the relationships around you, with friends and family. Do nice things for people, be thoughtful. This will make you understand what it means to have a good life.
Focus on the future. Get into that school you want to, study hard. Make connections. Aim high, and don't let anyone tell you what you're worth. Trust me, just by showing you have a problem and asking for help is an amazingly courageous thing to do.
One day, you can look back at this and say, "Oh! Yeah, my past was pretty bad, but look at where I am now? I didn't let it ruin or define me, and instead used it to help me get to where I am today," and everything will be okay.
I wish you the best and hope this helps.
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so ive come to the conclusion that i hold my friends to a really high standard. i get really mad when they flake on plans on ditch me or anything like that and in my mind it makes sense to be mad about these things but the are always surprised and never see what they did wrong. im starting to think i just get mad too easily and id love to fix this but i dont know how. i want to just get over it and move on but i know deep down im still mad and if i pretend not to be im just being fake. how do i actually get myself to not get so mad? (link)
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Remind yourself that they're your friends.
Isn't that enough?
From what I understand, they can be really oblivious, which COULD mean that they're not the friends you want. If I ditched on a friend, I would probably send a million apologies.
But hey, no one's perfect, not them or you. Friendship is a two way thing, you give and you get, you compromise. Confront them about how you feel like they're not being good friends cause they're never there. And if they show that they're sorry, then it'll be fine. Show patience and you can work at it together. If they don't, then I think you should find better friends. They have to care about you too. That's the whole point of a friendship. And if they don't understand, you'll have to decide whether or not you'll fight for them. Are they worth the pain and effort? If not, then find others. It may be hard at first, but they're out there.
I wish you all the best and I hope this helps.
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Lately I feel like my friend just complains to me about everything. She has it really bad, to me at least. She's anorexic, and is in a "relationship" with a guy across the country. She sexted him and her mom found out and it's not so good. She's been going to thereapy btw.
Well I cut myself, because of alot of things. I hate my stepmom, myself, I'm worried about my friend. My mom knows I used to cut, but doesnt do anything about it. But I have no one to talk to because they all seem to have it worse than me and I feel selfish talking about myself. So instead I cut and hide my scars. It's really hard to explain. I wrote a poem, explaining it better
You always tell me I should talk
But I feel selfish, so I walk
I refuse to burden you with me
It's locked inside under lock and key
When you ask if I'm okay
I'm dying to come out and say
"No I'm not" but you can't see
The pain revolving inside of me
I stay as silent as a ghost
As the pain feed of its host
My fingers close around a knife
It glints and threatens to take my life
I refuse to look in the mirror
I hate myself and my tears
I hate the scars made from the hurt
But love the blood that stains my shirt
As time passes I grow weak
Tears slide endlessly down my cheek
When I'm around people I wear a smile
But I'm dying all the while
So I'll tell you every lie
So you'll never see me cry
I'm so sorry if I hurt you
Theres not a thing I wouldn't do
I would run a thousand miles
If all you'd ever do was smile
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Your poem is amazing.
Beautifully written and very moving.
You sound like such a wonderful person, a caring friend. I would be lucky to have a friend like you.
Okay, so your friends, you worry about them, cause you say they have it worse than you.
Well, for a minute let's pretend I'm your friend, and I don't have it worse than you. So I worry about you and want to help.
Here is what I would say.
Dear Friend,
I'm sorry you're hurting.
I'm sorry you don't think you can come to me with your problems, with your pain.
You're such a wonderful friend, supportive, never wanting to burden anyone with your pain.
But friendship? It's a two way thing.
You help me, I help you. That's how it works. We give and we take, because we're not perfect and we make mistakes, but we have friends there to help us get through it.
Don't belittle yourself, or your problems. They're just as important as everyone else's, and if I could I would definitely run a thousand miles, swim all seven seas, and carry any cross,
if that will make you smile.
Love,
Your friend
Now, this may come from me, but trust me when I say these are the words from every friend you have. Don't you trust them? Don't you believe that they'll be strong enough to take your pain? You can take theirs, after all. That friend you're talking about, she may very likely be stronger than you think. She may surprise you.
I wish you all the best, and I hope this helps.
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I wanna cut my wrists,and all because my boyfriend doesn't love me anymore,I need help because I know it doesn't make any sense. (link)
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I'm glad you asked for help before you did cut.
And I'm also proud of you for saying that you need it, and that it doesn't make sense.
But a lot of things don't. That's okay.
Sometimes when it hurts too much, we become numb. And then when we can't take that anymore, we want to hurt ourselves to feel something, anything.
It's like, "What did I do wrong? Why doesn't he love me anymore?"
Love doesn't really make sense, either.
But please, please remember the time when you didn't have him yet, when you weren't a couple, and the ones who loved you then.
Your friends. Your family.
Yourself.
Sometimes we can get so wrapped up in the love of others that we forget the best love? It comes from ourselves.
If you love yourself, you wouldn't cut. Because you don't want to hurt, right? You don't want to feel pain, to be sad. You want to be happy.
And I'm sure others wish you happiness too.
There are groups, and people who can help you. But the only person who can really make a difference is you.
I hope you find the strength and determination to get through this hard time. Try to be patient. Time is on your side.
I wish you all the best, and I hope this helps.
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So I'm not a bad kid. I'm a 15 year old girl. I'm a good student, I got all A's last year and I do not smoke, drink, or do drugs and no sexual contact. I work hard in school and horse riding. I try hard to please my parents. My parents did hit me and spank me with a belt when I was younger. I'm not bad to my parents, sometimes I may talk flippant however the meanest thing I've said to them is that they are annoying. They get mad at me and offended by the smallest silliest things. They hit me and insult me, and I have lost a lot of respect for them. I cannot take it anymore and I've started cutting as of late. I honestly never thought I would I thought that it was stupid and pointless but I guess now it somewhat helps as stupid as that sounds. I have contemplated suicide a lot. I'm so depressed and alone and I have no one to talk to. I don't know what to do but my realtionship with my parents really sucks and there's not much to do to make it better and I don't like living this way. (link)
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You deserve so much better than this.
You're right, you're not a bad kid, and it does feel hard, I'm sure, but don't give up just yet.
It feels so bad when they talk like you're not good enough. But you have to remember that just because they think that way does not mean it's true. It's hard right now, but I promise it'll get better. There are organizations, people who can help you, those who will recognize how wonderful you are and give you the love you deserve. You're not alone, please don't think that. Parents are never perfect, but remember that YOU ARE NOT THEM. You're better than that. You're smart and sensible, and you'll have so much to live for later on. Don't destroy your life for them, it's not worth it. Don't let them ruin you.
I have parents who are a bit hard on me too, and in times like those, I realized that what I need isn't other people like friends, but myself. I need to believe in myself and have faith in my strength and determination. Remember, YOU are in charge of your own life, YOU will choose what to do with it, YOU can make something amazing of yourself, if you just keep holding on.
Best of luck, and I hope this helped.
I'm cheering you on.
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if you like a guy and he likes someone else and they don't go out but you really want to go out with him what do i do
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In my opinion, I think you should first decide whether you want to pursue someone who might not like you back in the end. Here you can consider how much you like him, and how much he seems to like the other person. It might just be infatuation that can fade over time. Once you've decided, you can either move on or pursue him.
Best of luck!
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