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What would someone think of someone else who puts up an emotional wall?
would they hate them for it, or think that they hate them, and stop trying to become friends with them? i've just realized i've done this and i think it's the reason why i haven't had really close friends throughout my life, and i'm 18. like people take an interest in me right when they meet me and then the interest dies down and then they stop talking to me and then i end up feeling hurt and like i can't trust them when maybe it's cause i've been putting up a wall, subconsciously stopping them from really getting close to me, and causing a self fulfilling prophecy - that they're going to leave me. but i just feel afraid and i feel like i can't talk to anyone, so i started seeing a therapist about it. it's really embarassing for me to say personal things like that cause i think it would make someone just write me off and not want to be friends with me.. but at the same time not telling someone my problems also doesn't allow us to be close. so i just feel all mixed up with regret and more anger at myself for doing this and not being strong enough to be confident and accepting good and bad responses to someone truly seeing the true me. it's just.. that i'm ashamed that i've let my depression cause me to do bad in school, when i'm a perfectionist, and once again, feel like someone will not wanna associate me for putting myself in this situation. this is all a mess, sorry. the only places i can truly spill everything out are on anonymous sites like this and to my therapist, who i just started seeing today
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I wouldn't hate you for it.
What you need to understand is that what you're feeling? It's okay. Sometimes we feel like we are being judged so what we do is we hide our true selves, hoping that they wouldn't "write us off" or do anything else that can hurt us, when really all we're doing is not giving them a chance to do anything, good or bad.
You're right, it is hard and embarassing, but always remember that it's not your fault. If people don't give the time and effort to get to know you, to break down your wall, maybe they're the ones not worth getting to know.
However, it also wouldn't hurt if you tried to make an effort, if you really feel that it is your fault.
Strength and confidence-it's what everyone wants, isn't it? What everyone tries to exude, in order to show people that they're fine, that they're happy. Both of these come from experience. And since you've never really been hurt because of your wall, how can you gain it? It takes time to become these things, you won't suddenly just have it like magic. It doesn't work like that.
The truth is we're all messed up sometimes. We're human, that's how we are. We are not perfect. Which is why relationships are such a risk-what if they make a mistake? What if we do? What then? Well, that's where the strength and confidence comes in. As you face trials and hardships, you understand both yourself and the other person better, therefore making the relationship stronger and gaining confidence in both yourself and the other person.
It's okay to feel ashamed, but really there's no reason to be. At least you know that putting up a wall isn't going to fix anything, and that it's a problem. A lot of people think it's a solution.
I wish you all the best and I hope this helps.
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Hi Sweetie,
Until you are capable of talking about your feelings to somebody that you can trust, don't! You will end up feeling even more ashamed if you tell people your problems and they are not who you truly trust and you are just trying to please them. Try talking about it more in depth with your therapist. I feel as if this stemed on from somewhere, doesn't seem like one of those problems that just occured over night. There is a root to it and you need to figure out what it is. Just be yourself and people will love you in the end..the ones that matter anyway. You sound a lot like me, I learned in the long run...you can't trust everybody and you can't just tell them things just to make them like you...be true to yourself. Everybody else is second, you are always first ;)
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