How do I move on when I'm so angry and ashamed of my past?
Question Posted Sunday May 20 2012, 10:23 pm
And how I could have done things better, so I wouldn't be this stressed out and unhappy. I basically have ruined my life. I feel like my life only progressively gets worse, because I allow it. I was happiest in early childhood, things started progressively getting worse after elementary school, all because I allowed it. I allowed myself to procrastinate and not participate in enough school events and have enough hobbies and that's been my downfall. I'm 18 now and i'm just so mad and I have dreams but how can I just forget the past?? but I want to but it's just so painful looking back, because as a kid I thought I'd have the typical teen experience with friends and everything and yet I didn't do that. I know some things are out of my control but I feel like I mostly could have prevented it. I just don't know how to move on even though I want to, but its like I'm just having this stupid mental block. I think this is due a lot to me being a perfectionist, and my parents basically expecting perfection even though they deny it (love is only conditional. now that i'm failing one subject they don't like me as much) and it just makes me like.. shut down, basically. i don't even have good social skills cause i've spent so much of my childhood on the computer. cause nobody really invited me for stuff and etc. and now i procrastinated applying to colleges so i'm going to community college even though my grades could have gotten me somewhere good, so now i have to do really good in CC and transfer. but i just need to get rid of this self sabotaging mindset and it's really hard cause i can't go to anyone, i dont have any best friends or anything, or even good friends. i don't think i'm this crazy weird person, i just have bad intimacy issues. i greatly fear getting close to someone and then them leaving me because they don't want to hear my problems so i keep my problems to myself. i've started going to a therapist but i hate how it's only once a week. i really hate being a human, i wish i could be more in control of my actions and not be led by emotions like I allow myself to be
I honestly think you expect too much from life. Your childhood was happiest cause you didn't really think about it. You just went out and had fun. It's not the same when you reach teenhood cause things change. What is a "normal" experience? Being popular? Having a boyfriend? Is that really how you measure the meaning of a good life?
If you want to be happy and move on, don't forget about the past. Learn from it. Accept it. Understand what you could've done to get what you wanted, and apply it to the present. You talk about being unsatisfied because of the events that happened before, but the truth is so many people go through this, sometimes they have it worse. If you want to make something out of right now, then don't be afraid to say you didn't have the best high school experience. It's okay.
I think you just want to be happy. And that's more than fine! But it won't just come to you. Make an effort. Smile at people. Be friendly. You don't have to really put yourself out there, just small steps at a time. Focus on building and nurturing the relationships around you, with friends and family. Do nice things for people, be thoughtful. This will make you understand what it means to have a good life.
Focus on the future. Get into that school you want to, study hard. Make connections. Aim high, and don't let anyone tell you what you're worth. Trust me, just by showing you have a problem and asking for help is an amazingly courageous thing to do.
One day, you can look back at this and say, "Oh! Yeah, my past was pretty bad, but look at where I am now? I didn't let it ruin or define me, and instead used it to help me get to where I am today," and everything will be okay.
alexisgirlie answered Monday May 21 2012, 11:31 pm: You can't change the past, but you can start building a wonderful future, even if the past was difficult. You seem to be suffering from low self esteem. Start believing in yourself, and your ability to make this world a better place just by being here. You are a priceless gem, and deserve the best life possible! If you are confident in yourself, you will attract others to you! Never settle for less than you deserve! Write a list of great things about you and what makes you special, and read it when you're down. It's great that you're seeing a therapist, and for more help you can start learning about DBT online, or get a book about it. It's really helpful, and will change your life! Good luck, and always remember "Carpe Diem!" It's a very important to apply in your life :) [ alexisgirlie's advice column | Ask alexisgirlie A Question ]
Carriebeca answered Monday May 21 2012, 10:56 am: Only you can change your life. You must leave the past behind you, there's nothing anyone can do to change it. Look to the future; where do you want to be in 5 years time? Still sitting there, worrying about what was, years ago? Or getting on in life, making friends, having close relationships and being a useful human being?
Whatever challenges lie ahead of you, do your utmost to overcome them and shine as brightly as possible. If that's not enough for your parents, then you'll have to explain that you've done your best and no-one can do more than that. If it's not good enough for YOU, you'll have to work harder to shine brighter.
You can do pretty much whatever you want to do, be what you want to be, but you have to plan the future, decide what you want to do, to be and who with. Go for it! It's all out there just waiting for you to decide. [ Carriebeca's advice column | Ask Carriebeca A Question ]
SamuelinSampa answered Monday May 21 2012, 3:16 am: It sounds to me like you allow other people's perceptions of you to define your self image. You make references to concerns about your social skills and your relationship with your parents. My recommendation is to try to break away from that. Try to be the person you want yourself to be, and forget what anyone else says (even if they are your parents). The moment you can really come to like yourself as a person, your relationships with other people will improve. Also, the term "social skills" is a little overused. There are billions of people on this planet with vastly different habits, customs, values, and sense of what's "normal". Focus less on figuring out what you need to do to make friends and more on finding the friends that are going to like you the way you are.
You seem to have depression, which can be tough to get over. I would recommend filling your life with commitments. Get a job, volunteer, go to school, join a club, and in general do as much as possible. While that probably sounds like the least appealing thing in the world it should help. I have had (and continue to have) some problems with depression, and I find they are worst when I am home alone browsing the internet alone with my thoughts. Keeping yourself busy means you really can only focus on the task at hand. It also has the added bonus of giving you more opportunities to meet people.
Xui answered Monday May 21 2012, 1:02 am: Nobody can fix your life but YOU, You have to change it.
The more you dwell on the past the more it will haunt you. You need to move forward in your life and learn to except things. It is not going to benefit you to sit and pity yourself. Stop allowing yourself to drown. We cannot fix the past, We can only change our future. Do something productive.
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