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i'm suffocating in my house.
I am a college student & almost 20 years old. I have friends, but rarely get to see them. My mom doesn't really like me going anywhere, & when I do she yells at me & won't talk to me for days. I make plans to go see friends away at school & she even gives me all these ideas on how to get there & what to take, etc. & then the very last minute, is all "nooo, you can't go." She does this with any plans I make! & I always end up canceling. I've lost a decent amount of friends because of this.
I sit home every weekend, & I am so bored & unhappy all the time, because I never do anything. & I don't mean like staying out all night or something, I mean simple things, like going shopping with a friend or going to the movies or something.
What do I do?
My dad usually disagrees with her, but then she gets mad so he ends up agreeing with her. So I have nobody on my side about anything. & I don't want to just move out, that is just pushing the issue under the rug, & that would be expensive..
What should I say?
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Well i suggest you should tell her you are a grown man/woman.(You didn't disclose your gender sorry!) You are over the age of 18 and have rights to have a social life. Tell her you want to have social freedom, and if she still doesn't "allow" you. I say go ahead and do it. You are an adult and deserve to be treated as one.
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Let me try and read into this before I answer your question. You are either an only child or the youngest of your parents children, the last to leave the nest. You attend college but commute from home.
If I'm correct then you do have a real problem that is not of your own making. Not being allowed to walk around the block on your own tells me you either live in a really bad neighborhood or mom is really over protective and may always have been.
At your age, even with a college students natural dependency on their parents, you have a right to your own life. You are by all definition an adult responsible for your own actions; actions that your parents are no longer responsible for or protective of. Here in lies the biggest problem you need to address with mom, who I see by what you have written is the main problem. To solve this may require family counseling.
I have a question for you. Did you want to go away to College and mom veto that request demanding you stay at the school close to home? If the answer is yes then this tells me mom is a controller and over protective of you. You have to break this cycle of control or mom will have control over you for the rest of your life.
Do you want mom choosing you husband? Telling you how to raise your children? How to keep your house and everything else that goes along with having a life? If not then as much as it may hurts you need to stand up to mom and declare your independence.
Yes mom will yell,scream get angry bribe do anything she can think of to regain control over you. You have to be strong enough not to accept the bribes. Not to give into her threats or anger and screaming. It is her controlling that causes your father to give into her but you don't have to.
As a parent of a child somewhat older than you, also an only. I can tell you it is hard not to be protective. Not to want to keep them close to home and continue doing what you as a parent have focused on for all those years. But if you are a good parent, and I'm not saying I am, you must allow your child the freedom to grow up and experience the world around them for we will not always be here or be able to protect them. The one thing we are able to do as long as we are here to do so is to offer advice that wisdom of age gives us.
I am proud of the fact that still after all these years and after all my son has accomplished he comes to me for advice when he needs it. This is the second part of a parents job. The first part is to raise their children to the point that the second part takes over.
Your mother has not afforded you the second part of parenting a child. You have to give this to yourself by standing up for yourself. As I said this may require family counseling. Either on your own or with dad or hopefully with mom.
I don't see mom, based on what you have written, giving you the freedom you need to make your way in this world. You need to take it from her. I wish there was better advice I could give you . Unfortunately there is not. It is up to you and do you have the strength to do what you need to do to be independent of mom.
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You are grown and in college i think you should move out.
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It seems that your mom doesn't want you "leaving the nest." You really need to sit both your parents down and tell them how you're feeling. You are almost 20 years old, you are an adult. You can't stay home forever! When you sit her down, let her know you are a responsible young adult, and would like to be given the opportunity to go out and actually live. Try talking to your dad first and tell him you want to talk to your mom about this, hopefully he will have your back. Hope I helped!
-Bri
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You have every right to feel that way.You are 20 ,which means that your are old enough to make some decisions on your own.You should also understand that your mom might be in a situation where she doesn't want her daughter to grow up,where she thinks that if she let's you do whatever you want to do that will ruin your relationship and drive you away from home.So the key to this problem is talking to your mom.Let your mom understand what you're dealing with and tell her to remember when she was 20 and ask her if she wanted to stay home doing nothing on weekends when she was your age.Maybe then she will understand your point of view.You should also listen to her,see why she doesn't want you to do all of these things.Tell her to trust you and that she raised you right and that you know the right from the wrong.
If all of that doesn't work,go out with your mom,bond with each other,go shopping,do your hair,het a manicure,get facials together,and maybe then she will realize that you've all grown up and that you're ready to go out on your own.
Good luck. :)xx
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You're an adult. It's time to start thinking and acting like one, and that means asserting yourself and your own independence.
What you want to do is not out of line - it is normal, human activity that you should be able to indulge in. If your mother is denying you this, then she is doing you wrong. You have to break this pattern now or she will dominate you for years to come. I honestly don't blame your friends for walking out; having an adult friend who constantly cancels plans at the last minute because his/her mother said so would be unbearably frustrating.
So, what do you do? It's simple. You just do what you want and let her get mad about it. What's she going to do, send you to your room? She is being unreasonable, and so nothing you say is likely to do any good; you can't reason someone out of a position that they didn't reason themselves into, and it's my opinion that whatever it is that makes her want to keep you a child forever, it's got nothing to do with logic. She is still your mother, but you are an adult now and that means you must take responsibility for yourself. SHE is not keeping you at home on the weekends - YOU are. When she says, "No, you can't go," you must say, "Well, I'm going anyway."
And you might want to re-think moving out. It would probably be the best thing you ever did for yourself, expensive or not. You might have to give up a few things you're used to, but there is freedom on the other side of that door, and you're missing out on it.
Besides, if you think things are bad now, wait until you find a potential girlfriend/boyfriend (I don't know your gender or preference). Your mother will chase that person away like a tigress protecting her cubs, if you're still living at home.
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