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My mom is just too involved and I listen too much
Hey there. I'm writing here bc im in need of advice. I'm turning 21 next month. Female. Ever since I can remember, my mom has been extremely involved. She has really pushed me bc she's wanted to know everything about my life. I've let her in, maybe too much. It has gotten to a point where she's very controlling and when she doesn't get her way, she gets extremely upset. Last year, I dyed my hair dark brown. I'm naturally a light brown. But when I was about 17, he insisted that I go blonde. I listened to her and i never questioned the way I look. But, looking back, I really don't like myself as much with blonde hair. I like my natural color or even a little darker. I look relatively young. I'm very petite and i have a very youthful looking face. I don't really drink a lot, I don't smoke and perhaps that has contributed to the fact that i look younger compared to a lot of people around me. Everywhere I go, people always ask me how old I am and swear that I look so young. It gets REALLY old when u hear it EVERY day. When my hair was brown, it made me look a little bit older and I wasn't being asked every single day about my age. I went back to brown last month and she told me if I didnt dye it at least a dark blonde she would never speak to me again. She was crying, throwing things, and having a tantrum. I dyed it to dark blonde so she would stop. But needless to say, I'm constantly being asked my age again and getting gasps. Nice, but old! Don't get me wrong. There's nothing wrong with looking young. But, I'm 21. I want to feel sexy. I want to feel like a woman. Last year, I also had extensions. I needed them for a while, but they were on way 2 long. I recently took them off and now my mom won't let me leave the house without clip ins. It just makes me want to cry. You may say fight with her and let her have a tantrum. But, u don't know how she gets. She is out of control. She is scary. I want to have my hair brown for my birthday which is next month. And i don't want any extensions. I hate them. They hurt and they bother me. She doesn't understand anything. When I tell her I like my hair dark she says that if I change back to dark, she will cut herself and enroll herself in a mental institution. You have no idea what I put up with every day. Our relationship has improved so much. I don't want to ruin it. But, if I don't have my own independence to do what I want to my own hair at 21, what is next?
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look,your mum obviously needs therapy,that's not healthy,you should help her not only listening to her but also taking her to the doctor,because YOU are the young person and who need to grow up and face life,she has alredy done her job,it's time for you to make your own life and let her live hers, as an adult who has to let his or her children to move on with their own lives:)
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You're over 18 and you're considered an adult at this point. Mothers have a hard time of letting go to their babies because they don't want to feel not wanted. They still want to do anything and everything to help you. The way you desrcibed your mom however is a bit scary to me. It sounds like she's a bit of a drama queen when it comes to things she wants. My advice is do what you want to do and if she doesn't like it tell her you're an adult and that this is your choice. You have the freedom to do anything you please now that you're an adult and for her to tell you what to do or how to style your hair isn't right.
My mother doesn't like the fact that I wear jeans a t-shirts mostly she says I'm too old for that. Guess what? I'm still wearing t-shirts and jeans. I am my own person and I define me. I love my mother to death but I'm really the only one that knows what I really want or really want to look like. If she continues I would maybe try living with another family member or maybe even save up and get your own apt. Your mother is looking out for you it's just not the right way to go about things. Maybe the reason she is acting out is because she feels like she doesn't spend time with you or something. Maybe plan a mother/daughter day where you two can hang out that way she still has some involvement in her life. Good luck!
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Wow, you do have a problem. One that I do not see resolving itself as long as you reside in her home or anywhere in close proximity to your mom. Your mother is controlling you, as to why I really cannot say. What I can say is her controlling you is not good for you or her.
Her threat to cut herself and enroll in a mental institution is not very far from what she really needs. I'm not suggesting she cut herself; seeking mental health help is a very good idea.
You are 21 not 12; how you wish to dress, wear your hair or color your hair is your choice as an adult. Your mom needs to understand that. That you are an adult and responsible for yourself. The choices you make are yours and yours alone and if she doesn't like them it she is within her rights to voice her concern, but only to voice her concern. Not to threaten or in any manner cajole you to change. Unless of course she sees you doing something that is wrong and will cause you great harm.
As parents we continue to parent our children even after they obtain adulthood. Why? Simply for the fact we have and will continue to experience more than they have. Your mother has taken her parenting to far, if I am to call her controlling of you parenting. She needs help, the type of help that only a qualified mental health professional can provide. Family counseling might be helpful.
I would start with a visit to her family doctor. Tell him or her what is going on. Ask for a complete neurological work up to rule out any organic reason for her controlling manner. Then a complete physical is in order to rule out any other medical problems that might be underlying. If no physical problems are found then I suggest you ask the doctor to recommend a good counselor for both of you to visit with.
I don't think your mother will go alone. If she thinks you need counseling she will go with you. In this instance a little subterfuge is a good thing.
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Hello there. I think your mum started out with the intention of making you happy and keeping you safe. Call me cliched, but that's what every parent wants. However, I think her concern has become obsessuve-neurotic control.
My suggestion, especially since you mentioned that your relationship is particularly good now, is to sit down and speak to her openly.
Listen to her thoughts on why she suggests the way she does. Then explain your feelings in what we call the 'sandwich' method. Compliment her first, tell jet you appreciate the fact that she takes time to give you advice and help you with your problems.
Then go on by delicately and tactfully explaining why you sometimes you would like to make your own decisions. Tell her that you understand that whatever she tells you is in your best interest. Open communication is vital. Listen and understand what your mother tells you. Finish off by emphasizing that you appreciate her and that you love her.
I'd really love to know if this helped. I wish you all the best. God bless :)
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