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controlling sexual urges/ wanting to be a better boyfriend
im a 15 year old boy and im having relationship issues with my 17 year old girlfriend of three months. we love each other and we have a really strong connection, but i can barely control myself around her. we are Christians and we know that sex before marriage is wrong and we've been trying to control our urges, but she has alot more self control than i do. once we start making out, i'm always ready to take it to the next level and try to get in her pants, but i promised her i wouldn't do anything and i just cant help it. i love her and since she's a senior and this will be our only year together, i don't want our relationship to end before it has to. we are on the brink of breaking up because of me and i cant loose her. how can i control my sexual urges better?!?!?!?!?!??!?!!?!?!??
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"If anyone thinks he is behaving improperly toward his virginity, if that is past the bloom of youth, [...] Let them marry." - 1 Corinthians 7: 36
Ideally, the simplest solution is to marry someone who has the same intense and zealous faith in God you have. (God instructs us not to be unevenly 'yoked with an unbeliever' and to marry "only in the Lord". (2 Corinthians 7: 14-18) "[W]hat portion does a faithful person have with an unbeliever?", he asks. (1 Corinthians 7:39) It is clear. He does not look favorably upon disloyal ones who marry a person who does not have true faith in Him.)
But, seeing as how you're perhaps not yet "past the bloom of youth" this really isn't an option for you right now. :D So what do you do in the meantime?
First off, keep things in perspective. Having sexual feelings is completely normal. They are not an indication of a lack of faith or a weak relationship with God so there's no need to recriminate yourself for having them. You can no more control your sexual urges than you can feelings of hunger or thirst.
Your natural sexual impulses are nothing more than a gift from your Creator intended for you to enjoy exclusively with your spouse within the bounds of a loving marriage. What you can control, however, is how you behave. Because you were created with Free Will, you ALWAYS have complete control over what you decide to do at any time (assuming, of course, you're not contending with a mental illness).
With that said, here are some scriptural principles that can be helpful to you:
"Flee from fornication." (1 Corinthians 6:18) Fornication, if you recall, comes from the Greek 'porneia' and is defined as "illicit sexual intercourse". This includes adultery, fornication, homosexuality, lesbianism, intercourse with animals (bestiality), sexual intercourse with close relatives or sexual intercourse with an illicitly divorced man or woman. Because the counsel here is to "flee from fornication" it's obvious that you should avoid compromising situations, sexually stimulating materials of all kinds and even sexually charged conversations. "Let fornication and uncleanness of every sort [...] not even be mentioned among YOU" we're admonished in Ephesians 5: 3-4, "just as it befits holy people; neither shameful conduct nor foolish talking nor obscene jesting, things which are not becoming [...]." The warning is clear. Steer clear of anything, ANYTHING that can inflame your sexual passions.
This also means that you need to avoid masturbation and other forms of sexual gratification. While many will tell you that there's nothing wrong with gratifying yourself, what they fail to mention is that those who habitually view pornographic material and then masturbate end up suffering from an obsessive-compulsive disorder. Make no mistake, developing an obsessive-compulsive disorder will wreak havoc on your life for many, many years.
Don't misunderstand now. I'm not advising you to repress your sexual feelings. As I mentioned earlier, your sexual impulses are a natural biological function that were not designed to be "turned off". Trying to repress them is an exercise in futility and will only leave you feeling exhausted, frustrated and feeling very, very guilty. This is something you need to be wary of because persistent feelings of guilt can trigger clinical Depression and that's not what God wants for you.
In time, though, the intensity of your sexual impulses should subside. That too is a natural function of your design as you mature.
So, what can you do on those rare occasions when your sexual impulses surge to overwhelm you? It's simple. Distract yourself. It won't be easy at first but the more you practice, the easier it will become because your urges will be less intense each time.
Now, consider the following: "[B]ecome steadfast, unmovable, always having plenty to do in the work of the Lord []." (1 Corinthians 15:58) What work is this passage referring to? Well, shortly after his resurrection, Jesus met with his disciples and gave them the following task, "Go therefore and make disciples of people of all the nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father and of the Son and of the holy spirit, teaching them to observe all the things I have commanded YOU." (Matthew 28: 19, 20) And that they did.
The responsibility these faithful ones received extends even to our day. But, you can't teach others what you don't know, right? So, before you can become a teacher, you first have to be a student. Have you read the Bible in its entirety, from beginning to end? If not, why not set aside 5 minutes each day to do so? Making a habit out of reading from the Bible daily will teach you amazing things about God you've never known before and you'll be much too busy to be bothered by intrusive thoughts.
Remember too that heartfelt prayer is a ready resource for all looking to please God and lead happy, fulfilled lives. "For all things I have the strength by virtue of him who imparts power to me" Paul was inspired to write. (Phillipians 4:13)
Ultimately, God "is not far off from each one of us". (Acts 17:27) If you make every effort to learn about and love him "with your whole heart and with your whole soul and with your whole mind", he will stay by your side, "[f]or, as regards Jehovah, his eyes are roving about through all the earth to show his strength in behalf of those whose heart is complete toward him." (Matthew 22: 36-38; 2 Chronicles 16:9)
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First of all you are only responding to the natural urges of your body. Being as religious as you are you may feel that masturbation is a sin, it is not. A recent survey shows that 85% of us masturbate. We even do so as part of foreplay during sex. We call it handjobs and fingering. In this survey, which was done in conjunction with a religious newspaper; It was stated that many of the western religion while possibly frowning on masturbation, do not consider it a sin. This includes the Catholic church.
Something to think about. Masturbating will help cool things down for you.
One other thing that may cool things down for you is your difference in ages. Depending on the state you live in. Your different in age puts you two right on the edge of having an illegal relationship. If she turns 18 while you are still 15 that will, in some states, trip the bar of illegality.
What happens is you can be in violation of a law called statutory rape. This law has nothing to do with sex and everything to so with difference in age. That being said nothing says that the moment she turns 18 the police will come and arrest her. Someone has to file a complaint.
If a complaint is filed the police must investigate and the prosecutor must decide if charges are to be filed. At 18 she is an adult and will face adult charges and possible jail time. She will also be considered a sex offender for the rest of her life.
By your own admission you two both realize this relationship will not stand the test of time as she will be graduating this year. Is it not better to, taking everything into consideration, end this relationship know before it goes any deeper.
Yes it will hurt, a little less now then latter I might think. You can still be friends but it is, in my mind better for the two of you to break it off now.
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Self-control is what marks the difference between a boy and a man. She is two years older than you - not an insurmountable difference, but enough such that she will need you to be more grown-up than most guys your age. This is especially true if you expect to be able to compete with the 18+ guys who she will meet more of when high school is done for her. Perhaps if you remember that you will lose her if you don't control yourself, that will give you the strength to do so. If that doesn't work, try frequent masturbating.
Here's something else to keep in mind: You are below the legal age of informed consent. If she were to have sex with you, she would be guilty of statutory rape, even if you were entirely willing.
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First, it's not entirely your fault that your body is reacting in a very natural way. Unfortunately, nature has not caught up to societal norms, and when you're 15 you feel all the same urges and cravings that married adults do. There is no way to stop your physiology, but there is something you can do...Try to put yourself in her shoes...If the two of you have agreed to not have sex, it makes her feel as if you respect her and love her completely, but if everytime you get horny you start pressuring her, it makes her feel as if all you have promised, all she believes your relationship is about, has just been a smoke screen to get into her pants. It makes her feel disrespected. One of the reasons she loves you is because of the morals you share, but you chip away at that every time you suddenly switch gears and try to go against those morals. She has to worry that any time you get an itch in your pants you'll do anything with the nearest girl...after all, you're acting like you can't control yourself. It's not the way your body reacts, it's the way you react. Nobody can blame you for getting all worked up, but that doesn't mean you have to make her feel badly about it. She is kissing you and showing you love, and in her mind, you are cheapening it. Pretty soon she will be scared to even kiss you because a nice thing like a kiss will turn into a bad thing like you pestering her.
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