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Normal to resent that he makes me feel responsible for his happiness?
I am with a wonderful man whom I love very much. We are in a long-distance relationship but he is endlessly sweet, thoughtful, and loving to me. We talk every day on Skype. In most ways I feel I could not ask for a better man. But. He has been hurt by many women in the past, and he's told me many times about how for 20 years he put a wall around his heart and did not love anyone, nor allow anyone to love him, for fear of getting hurt again. He tells me that he was miserable before I came along. He also says that if I were ever to leave him, he would put the wall back up around his heart, would be miserable again, and would not even try to love anyone else for the rest of his life. (He is 50, so this is conceivable, and knowing him, I believe it might actually be true.) Although we are close and can talk about most anything, I would not marry him yet, because we just don't know each other well enough. I love him because he is a good soul and there is no one with a kinder heart, and don't plan to break up with him, but I still don't like feeling pressured to stay with this man forever or else always carry the guilt of breaking his heart and ruining his life. Is this normal, or am I being a jerk, or what?
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When someone says something like that it definitely puts up a red flag. I'm not trying to be mean but he sounds like a 'victim'. Love hurts sometimes. Don't get me wrong I love being in love but it can hurt like hell.
It's unusual for a man to be so honest but why is he right away talking about his past relationships and why he has this 'wall' around him. Everyone of us has had a 'wall' it's not about finding someone to knock it down it's up to the person to knock down their own wall.
You're smart to not rush into the relationship wanting to get married away. Just be mindful of whats going on. Just because someone may want you in their life forever or wants to marry you doesn't me its necessarily right for you. Continue to follow your heart but remember to use your mind as well!
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And aren't you the same person who asked this question?
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This is a very romantic relationship, but you are facing a tough problem. I think that you should talk to him about what you feel about the relationship and about him. He should understand and should listen to what you have to say and if he does not then he does not care. Why should you carry the guilt of breaking his heart and ruining his heart? He is only a person and if he is making you feel pressured then you should really analyze the situation and think carefully before you make a decision. It is obvious that you care for him, but you should care for yourself and then care for him. You are not being a jerk because you are helping him and if he does not appreciate your support and still threatens to "put the wall back up around his heart, would be miserable again, and would not even try to love anyone else for the rest of his life" then he needs to analyze the situation and know what he wants in life. If he gets depressed about the past then you can't expect anything about the future. He has to live life to the fullest because mourning about past loves is pathetic. I think that he fears love and you are the only one that he can count on and does not want the feeling of rejection. That is part of life though rejection because it helps us grow as a person.
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I'm probably quite a bit younger than you, I'm only 20, so I don't know how much my advice is going to mean to you. But I think that it's perfectly normal for you to feel this way. It sounds like he's putting a lot of pressure on you about staying with him.
I would actually talk to him about this. Explain that you think that he's a wonderful person, you want to stay with him but you feel very pressured by some of the things that he says to you sometimes. Let him know that for the time being that you have no intention of breaking up with him but you also don't want to feel like you're trapped.
If he really cares about you he'll understand and back off a little bit. This could also be a sign of a controlling relationship, if he puts anymore control on you than you really have to get out because controlling relatoinships can also get very abusive.
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